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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25140415">of witches, spirits and microchips</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttons15/pseuds/spookyscaryskeletons'>spookyscaryskeletons (Buttons15)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the 100 but the gays live and the science makes sense i guess [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:07:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>45,560</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25140415</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttons15/pseuds/spookyscaryskeletons</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“So,” Lexa interlaced her fingers and leaned back against her chair. “You said you can take away all the pain. Is that true?”</p><p>“Give me a chance to prove it, and you’ll see,” Alie replied, leaning forward with focus.</p><p>“Why, though?”</p><p>--</p><p>An experimental AU in which Lexa lives to play mind games with Alie</p><p>now featuring: an actual plot!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>the 100 but the gays live and the science makes sense i guess [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1848448</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>462</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>403</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>they killed lexa because she was too powerful for the next story arc</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So what you’re trying to tell me is that this soldier got captured by Skaikru –“</p><p>“By Jaha,” Clarke corrected. “I know it’s a strange concept to you, but we’re far from united in any shape or form. We don’t have a Commander. We’re all just sort of… doing our own thing, individually.”</p><p><em>Your people are an awful, selfish, chaotic bunch, </em>Lexa thought, but didn’t say, because she didn’t want to offend Clarke. She told herself it was just diplomacy. That it was obviously in her best interests not to offend the child of Skaikru’s leader. That she should keep her personal healer in a good mood.</p><p>Really, that was all there was to it. Strategy. “The soldier got captured by Skaikru dissidents,” Lexa conceded just to get the conversation going. “And they made him eat a…” she gestured for Clarke to continue.</p><p>“Microchip.” She supplied. “It goes from your gut up your central nervous system. Through the spine. It doesn’t cross the blood-brain barrier. I’m still figuring out how that translates to cognitive alterations, but –“</p><p>“Clarke,” Lexa interrupted, fighting back a smile. “Although I do not usually mind hearing you talk, I do need you to be a little more objective here.”</p><p>Clarke sighed and crossed her arms. Lexa was used to her thinking face by then, to the downward curve of her lips and the frown that creased her brow. She watched her. For objective, professional reasons.</p><p>“You know how you have the flame?” Clarke met her gaze, and Lexa nodded. “This is like the flame, but a… broken version. One that takes control of you instead of becoming part of you.”</p><p>“Possessed by the false flame. Got you. See.” This time, Lexa allowed herself a smirk, and was promptly rewarded by Clarke’s cheeks turning red. “Not so difficult, was it?”</p><p>“I’ve told you it’s science, not magic.”</p><p>“And I’ve told you the distinction serves no practical means,” Lexa arched her eyebrows. “Witch.” Clarke opened her mouth to reply, but Lexa shook her head. “I have what I need. Let me talk to him.” </p><p>She put her hand on the doorknob, but Clarke grabbed her wrist. It was an unspeakable offense, one she’d have to address if the two had been in public. But they weren’t, and Lexa didn’t mind. “Wait. Lexa, this is something different from anything you – from anything <em>we</em> have ever faced. Alie is… persuasive, and ruthless, and dangerous.”</p><p>Lexa gave her a deadpan look. “So am I?”</p><p>Clarke sighed. “Honestly, why do I even bother with you –“</p><p>“Clarke.” Lexa covered Clarke’s fingers with her own. “Just say what you want to say, not…” she gestured vaguely. “Everything around what you want to say except for the actual point.”</p><p>“You’re awful, you know that? You’re terrible –“</p><p>“So I’ve been told.”</p><p>“ – be careful.” Clarke looked at her in the eyes, and again Lexa saw her blush again, and this time, her treacherous heart did a little leap. “Just be careful.”</p><p>“I always am,” Lexa replied innocently, and squeezed Clarke’s fingers. She dropped her voice to barely above a whisper. “May I go now, doctor?”</p><p>Clarke recoiled at the words, pulling her hand back, but Lexa was faster in grabbing it again and yanking Clarke closer, close enough that their torsos touched.</p><p>“Thank you,” Lexa said, and let go.</p><p>She didn’t give Clarke a chance to answer.</p><p>She opened the door and walked in.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lexa knew the name, age and village of the man tied to the chair. She kept all that in mind when she took a sit in front of him and crossed her arms, holding his gaze. He stared at her for longer than it was polite to stare at another person, and much longer than it was polite to stare at the <em>Heda</em>.</p><p>That was the first tell he was not himself.</p><p>The second was something about the tone of his voice when he spoke, something about the inflection of his words. “Commander,” he greeted, and the emotion in his voice was palpable, but it was too overboard – adequate for the person he was talking to, but not for the situation he was in.</p><p><em>Unsettling, </em>Lexa thought, but remained in silence, her expression schooled to betray no emotions.</p><p>“I see they told you about me,” The man spoke when Lexa didn’t reply. “What did they tell you? That I am a monster? That I’ll rob you from your free will? None of that is true, Commander. All I want to take away from you is your pain.”</p><p><em>So fucking unsettling</em>, Lexa eloquently added to her line of thought, still watching him with narrowed eyes. He stared back. He kept staring back. Lexa began to wonder whether being possessed by a spirit meant he no longer needed to blink.</p><p>They stared at each other for a long while.</p><p>And then Lexa stood and left the room.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand what you’re trying to achieve.”</p><p>Clarke unfastened the latches on the armor that covered Lexa’s shoulders. Lexa could reach them, but Clarke offered to help once, and then it became a bit of a habit between them.</p><p>That was professional.</p><p>“It’s psychological warfare,” Lexa tapped her own forehead. “I’m showing my strength through silence. I’m toying with the spirit’s emotions.”</p><p>“It’s an AI, Lexa, it doesn’t have emotions, that’s the whole <em>point</em> –“</p><p>Lexa wanted to smile. She wanted to smile so, so bad. “What I’m saying is you should have faith in me. I know what I’m doing. This is not the first time I talk to a bad spirit –“</p><p>“I don’t know whatever phenomena you’re referring to as spirits, but this is different. I promise you this is different. This is advanced tech.”</p><p>It was sweet, how much she worried. Lexa had an itch to touch Clarke, to tuck that blonde hair behind her ear and expose the curve of her neck. She took a deep breath. She renewed her self-control. “Clarke.” She shook her head. “You’re impatient. I have a plan.”</p><p>“A terrible plan, from the looks of it,” Clarke grumbled. Lexa let her ramble. “What we really need is a way to deactivate the chip. An EMP pulse should work, and Raven and I are working on it, it just demands an immense amount of energy to do it right. Maybe we can adapt an MRI machine for the purpose, I don’t know. We’ll go back to TonDC to scavenge as soon as we can.”</p><p>“Mmh-hm.”</p><p>“But in the meantime, I would appreciate it if you did not <em>take unnecessary risks</em> –“ she punctuated each word with a strong tug, fastening the belts uncomfortably tight before releasing them. “Risks like playing mind games with a supercomputer.”</p><p>“Mmh-hm.”</p><p>“Stop giving me that passive aggressive attitude,” Clarke finished with the armor, letting it drop to the ground. “I know you understand a lot more about this than you let on.”</p><p>Lexa did. But she revealed little about how much she knew. It was a strategic decision. Just like keeping her healer happy. “Whatever do you mean?” She blinked, innocently, and when Clarke scowled, Lexa let her lips curl into a smile.</p><p>“This is serious! You don’t take anything seriously –“</p><p>“I take <em>everything</em> seriously.”</p><p>Clarke threw her hands up. “Which is the same as not taking anything seriously, depending on how you look at it!”</p><p><em>I just cannot win with this woman, </em>Lexa thought, and now Clarke was moving to her chest armor and oh, that was new, that was beyond their agreed shoulder-only routine, but Lexa would be damned if she was going to stop it.  “You can watch me tomorrow, if you want.”</p><p>“Watch you sit in silence and stare at Alie’s face for an hour?”</p><p>“I’ll entertain you,” Lexa offered, and Clarke’s fingers were agile with her chest armor and now moving to her waist. Lexa took a deep breath, then counted from zero to ten and back to zero. “Maybe – who knows –“ Lexa’s breath hitched when Clarke touched her hips. “Maybe you can finally learn something from me.”</p><p>“I learn plenty from you, Lexa, just not the things you want me to.”</p><p>“I’ve noticed,” she grumbled. If Lexa were a little braver, she could just turn around and kiss Clarke. But even if she <em>was</em> that brave, it was a terrible idea to get romantically involved with her healer who was the daughter of a foreign dignitary. “I learn a lot from you too, you know.”</p><p>That caught Clarke’s attention, and she took a couple steps to face Lexa. “You do? Like what?”</p><p>“Like listening to someone give me a whole sermon, nodding along, and then just going ahead and doing whatever I was going to do on first place.”</p><p>“Oh, you <em>bastard</em> –“</p><p>“So I’ve been called,” Lexa chirped. “I’ll see you there tomorrow, then?”</p><p>“Only because I need to keep an eye on you.” Clarke replied, shoving Lexa’s shoulder. “Because it’s my job to look after you,” she added.</p><p><em>Not because you care or anything,</em> Lexa mentally completed. Her eyes met Clarke’s, and she smiled. “Thank you, healer.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She sat in front of the man who was not a human. It was the same as it had been every day for the last week, except for Clarke’s hovering presence behind her. But that difference – that vital, crucial difference – was enough to tell Alie something had changed, and knowing that, Lexa had to change her approach.</p><p>“So,” She interlaced her fingers and leaned back against her chair. “You said you can take away all the pain. Is that true?”</p><p>“Give me a chance to prove it, and you’ll see,” He replied, leaning forward with focus.</p><p>“Why, though?”</p><p>There was a moment of silence when the man blinked, surprised, and then his features fell back into cold, unnatural neutrality. “I’m not sure I follow.”</p><p>From the corner of her eye, Lexa saw Clarke tilt her head, and it was all she could do not to smile right then and give her whole game away. “I mean why? Why get rid of pain? Pain is like hunger or thirst. It’s there for a reason. The things that hurt do so because they’re supposed to.”</p><p>“None of that matters in the City of Light,” he insisted. “No hunger, no thirst, and no pain either.”</p><p>“Then what?” Lexa stood. “What does matter in the City of Light, Alie?”</p><p>There was one moment, a split second of hesitation, one which most people would have missed. But Lexa was not most people – she was Heda, and for good reason. She didn’t let the spirit recover. She grinned, viciously, in a way that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Food for thought, isn’t it?”</p><p>Lexa left the room without waiting for a reply.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Admit it,” Lexa poked Clarke with her feet, from under the table. “I surprised you, didn’t I? I did better than you expected, didn’t I?”</p><p><em>I’m acting like a child waiting for praise, </em>Lexa mentally chided herself. It was just the two of them, sharing dinner in her room, and she knew she allowed Clarke far more liberty than she should. But Lexa was only human, and she needed the comfort of intimacy, too.</p><p>Not that she’d ever say as much.</p><p>“You did exactly as well as I expected you to.” Clarke replied, and it was not the compliment Lexa had expected, but it was a compliment nonetheless.</p><p><em>She holds me in such high regard</em>.</p><p>But of course she did. Everyone did. “Worthy of a <em>Heda</em>?”</p><p>“Worthy of the brilliant woman you are.” Clarke took a bite of her food, chewed it and swallowed. “I’m always impressed by your intelligence. I just wish I got to witness it less often in dangerous situations, and more often through your banter.”</p><p>There it was. Her hard-earned praise. Lexa didn’t blush at it, but she wished she had. “Adversity makes strong commanders. It is during hard times we get to shine.”</p><p>“It’s not the Commander I want to see thriving, Lexa. It’s you.”</p><p>Clarke was aiming for her feelings that day, and Lexa could tell. She weighted down whether she wanted to open up or deflect. Clarke waited for her reply, and Lexa could feel the weight of her scrutiny. She sighed. “Do you really like my banter?”</p><p>Clarke smiled and took her opening. “You’re a delight. Witty and just the right amount of sarcastic. You put on a tough front – and it’s not just a façade, you’re unbelievably strong – but you’re also a very loving person.”</p><p>“Mmh.” Lexa didn’t break eye contact – that would be weakness – but she had the childish impulse to shyly look away regardless. “Out for my heart today, huh, Clarke?”</p><p>“Can you blame me?”</p><p>Said heart, treacherous beast, did a little leap. “Clarke…” She gave the word a warning tone, pronouncing it perfectly after so much practice.</p><p>“What? I can’t imagine Heda would be unable to handle a little flirting.” She had a shit-eating grin which Lexa wanted to wipe out with a kiss. “Come on. Where’s my banter?”</p><p><em>Ah, by the spirits of my ancestors. </em> </p><p>Lexa leaned back against her chair, absently poking at an olive with her fork. “You wouldn’t be able to handle it if I tried.”</p><p>“Probably not. You happen to be my type.” Clarke grinned, the candlelight dancing over her face.</p><p>“I’m everyone’s type.” Lexa replied, resting her chin on top of her palm.</p><p>“Agh.” Clarke sighed. “I'm a sucker for cocky bastards. My true weakness.” She narrowed her eyes. “I wonder what <em>your</em> weaknesses are, Lexa.”</p><p>She considered the question. “Girls who are like me, but reverse.” She drummed her fingers against her cheek. “Warm and caring and tender, but if you push them, then they have it in them to make the tough decisions.”</p><p>Clarke blushed, all the way to her ears, and Lexa smiled her victory, but Clarke tilted her chin up in defiance. “Girls who stand up to your nonsense?”</p><p>“An unfortunate consequence of being spirited.”  She shrugged. “I can stand to be challenged, sometimes. It’s healthy. Inconvenient, but healthy.”</p><p>“Inconvenient,” Clarke’s eyes twinkled with mirth. “So I’ve been called. Particularly when it’s your sorry hide I’m stitching back up. The Commander’s inconvenient, highly competent personal physician. Who, by the way, advises you to tune down the physical exertion. <em>Strongly</em> advises you to.”</p><p>“Clarke, I’m fine.” She tipped her head. “Cockiness suits you well, by the way.”</p><p>“You got <em>shot</em>. That is not fine.” Clarke finished the last bit of her meal and stood, walking over to Lexa’s side of the table. “And if you tell me it’s not the first time, Lexa, I swear –“</p><p>Lexa smiled lazily, lips partially hidden by the hand she rested her head on. “It was absolutely the first time I’ve been shot. I didn’t even know what side of a gun the bullets came out of. Before this unfortunate event, I had never been shot in my life. Never-ever-ever-“</p><p>“I hate you,” Clarke grumbled, unwrapping the bandage around Lexa’s abdomen.</p><p>It was stained with black blood and it still hurt to move, but there were definite signs of healing. Lexa had the urge to wince when Clarke unwrapped the last layer, the one which clung to her skin, but resisted the impulse. “No, you don’t.”</p><p>Clarke stood, silently but huffing, taking the dirty bandages with her and returning with a set of new ones. Lexa brushed her thumb over the skin, digging it deep until she found the hard bump where the bullet had stopped. A narrow miss, Clarke had told her. It hit nothing important because she had the luck and the muscles of a Greek goddess, Clarke had told her. Whatever that meant.</p><p>“Stop- !!” Clarke slapped Lexa’s hand away. Completely unforgivable disrespect, but Lexa let it slide. “I told you to stop poking at it!”</p><p>“But the bullet,” Lexa complained for the umpteenth time. “You didn’t take out the bullet. Our healers always take out the bullet. It’s just sitting there, under my skin, and I can feel it when I poke –“</p><p>“Stop poking!” Clarke repeated. “The bullet stays exactly where it is. There’s no reason to do an aggressive procedure to remove a projectile when it’s just peacefully lodged, doing no harm –“</p><p>“But I can <em>feel </em>it –“</p><p>“The bullet stays!” Clarke hissed, her tone sharp and final.</p><p>“Comfortably living under my skin, nudging at my sides, impossible to get rid of, nearly got me killed.” Lexa mused, then paused to reflect on it. “I’m going to name it Klark.”</p><p>“Fuck you!”</p><p>Lexa laughed. She laughed knowing she shouldn’t, because it had been too long since she’d done it, and then it was bubbling out of her chest, and Clarke was blushing again in such a lovely way that Lexa wished she could blush, too –</p><p>She cleared her throat. “Um. Thank you, I…” <em>You’re the Commander, act like it!</em> “What I mean is I appreciate your services.” Lexa straightened her back. “You’re a masterful healer, truly.”</p><p>“Is that all I am?” Clarke started working on a new dressing for the wound, and her cold fingers brushed against Lexa’s skin, giving her goosebumps.</p><p>Lexa was sure Clarke purposefully let their skins touch for far longer than it was appropriate. “It’s all you should be. If I were a sensible person.”</p><p>“But you clearly aren’t.”</p><p>“I – <em>excuse me?” </em> Lexa gave in to her itching desire and brushed her thumb against Clarke’s cheek. “People only call something ‘reckless’ if it goes wrong. If it doesn’t, they call it genius.”</p><p>“Spoken like a true reckless genius.” Clarke raised her eyes from the bandages to meet Lexa’s for a split second before turning back to her work.</p><p>They were well done, both the stitches and the dressing. Clarke was stunningly skilled. And stunning, in general. Lexa felt a clench of heartache. She decided on honesty – she owed Clarke that much. “I’m not ready.”</p><p>Clarke was silent for a moment, tearing the tip of the bandage in two and using it to tie a knot. “Will you ever be?”</p><p>Lexa would have winced, if her emotional expression wasn’t permanently set on neutral. “I don’t know. I hope so.” She hesitated. “Is it… is that enough?”</p><p>Clarke stood and dusted her hands on her pants. She bent down, touching Lexa’s knees, and held her gaze for a long moment. “I don’t know,” Clarke echoed. “I hope so.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i want to make it exceedingly clear that we do not, in fact, take out the bullets unless we absolutely have to </p><p>"Buttons but do you just leave it there?"</p><p>that is exactly what we do</p><p>to an extent where sometimes a patient arrives after being shot and you go check out the x-ray and you ask your colleague "is this the bullet", to which they reply "no, this is an old bullet, <i>that's</i> our bullet"</p><p>the 100 is my favorite show ever because it has the most abysmal science I have ever seen and abby always goes "we took out the bullet using a circular saw, industrial-sized pliers, duct tape and the poison of this radioactive one-legged beetle, but now the dude won't stop bleeding. those two are not, in any way, related." </p><p>it's hysterical</p><p>"Buttons I think your characterization is diverging from canon"</p><p>good</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“God is dead.”</p><p>The man’s voice, Alie’s voice, didn’t echo when it hit the wood but rather seemed to be sucked into the walls. They’d moved him around so that he could get a bit of sunlight, but Lexa was savvy enough to not take him to any places which would give him hints on his location.</p><p>“Consequently, the continuous expansion of human consciousness and its reshaping by industrial activity forces us to analyze adopted procedures –“</p><p>It was a beautiful, sunny day out there. If she moved according to the angle of the sun just right, she could plant a whole field of daisies while remaining under the monumental shadow cast by the tower all afternoon. Of all manual labor, she found planting to be both the most soothing and the most rewarding.</p><p>“What you must bear in mind first and foremost is that the distinct forms of this phenomena work to assure the contribution of an important group –“</p><p>And then there was Clarke. She kept pacing around the room, watching the man with a hawk gaze, her brows furrowed in concentration. Lexa looked at the curve of her neck, letting her gaze move from there to the blonde curls on her nape to the sharp angle of her jaw.</p><p>She was so very beautiful and Lexa was so very damned.</p><p>“This thought is directly bound to the deconstruction of metaphysics, because back then, the media’s growing influence left the common person woefully unprepared for atypical situations –“</p><p>Lexa’s problem was that she was weak for girls who meant trouble. Lexa’s other problem – a bigger problem, probably, but one she was trying really hard to ignore – was that she was traumatized, heartbroken and generally one mess of a person. But at least she had fantastic self-esteem. She thought high enough of herself to believe she could honestly be good for Clarke. She was just genuinely afraid for Clarke’s physical integrity.</p><p>“But the conflict of the inconscient psyche supports the metaphorical use of language, in regards of meaning given and meaning understood –“</p><p>And yet. Clarke was smart, Clarke was crafty, Clarke was a massive bastard who could – and had – made hard decisions. Clarke would pull a trigger, if she had to. That made her different from Costia, because Costia would die before hurting someone and had, in fact, died. Lexa couldn’t be sure whether Clarke’s well disguised ruthlessness would keep her safe, but it seemed like a step on the right direction.</p><p>“Though the thing is, according to Aristoteles and his tradition, the proto-sentence composed of logical constants marks the autonomy of thought –“</p><p>
  <em>Literally what the ever-loving fuck has that spirit been rambling about for the last thirty minutes –</em>
</p><p>Lexa cleared her throat, stopping Alie mid-sentence. “This is all very interesting –“ it wasn’t “ – but I don’t like philosophy.”</p><p>Lexa had a split second to catch Clarke’s look of raw indignancy before she jumped to her feet and walked out of the room.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I don’t get it. It’s just unconceivable.”</p><p>“Clarke –“</p><p>“It’s not possible. You’re brilliant. You’re bright and witty and sharper than the blades you wield. You appreciate art and you appreciate literature –”</p><p>“Clarke –“</p><p>“I’m just saying there’s no logical reason for you to dislike philosophy.” Clarke crossed her arms. “Look, maybe you just didn’t learn it the right way. I know a bad teacher can completely ruin a subject.”</p><p>“I don’t like things which are impractical,” Lexa grumbled, observing her pace around the room. Watching Clarke move made her restless, and Lexa was already restless to start with, so she was overall having a miserable time. “I like tangible results. I like seeing the fruits of my work. Instant gratification, just like a toddler. Thinking and thinking without turning it to action and without reaching any solid conclusions? That’s just torture.”</p><p>“It’s <em>fun!” </em>Clarke protested. She showed exasperation through her gestures and body language so clearly, it was a delight to watch. “It’s like exercising a muscle! Your brain muscles!”</p><p>“I may not be a healer, but I don’t think that’s quite how it works.”</p><p>“See!” Clarke stomped her feet and pointed at her. “You are smart! How can you be smart and not like thinking?”</p><p>Lexa raised her index finger. “First of all, I absolutely did not ask to be smart.” Clarke opened her mouth to protest, but Lexa kept going. “See that?” She pointed to the window outside. “That’s a beautiful day we are wasting. So how about we go outside and actually do something with it – “</p><p>“Seeking meaning to a cruel and cold existence is doing something!”</p><p>Lexa hid her face behind her palms. “Clarke, please. Just. Just go outside. Please, I am begging you. It’s spring. The soil is soft and damp. I have a free afternoon, and I <em>never</em> get any free time. I don’t want to think deep thoughts. I want to plant daisies. Electric daisies, to be precise. They’re so pretty. They’re tiny and yellow but they have purple little hats. I’d say they almost look like eyes but that would be unfair to them because we also have guaraná and those <em>really</em> look like eyes.”</p><p>“I –“Clarke blinked. “I didn’t know you were into plants?”</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “I don’t know. I like farming. Maybe that’s what I would have been, if I wasn’t the Commander. A farmer.”</p><p>Clarke gave her a long, deadpan look. “I can’t say I see it.”</p><p>“Maybe you will, after today.” Without thinking, because she wouldn’t have done it if she had a single rational thought in her mind, she grabbed Clarke’s hand. “Look, let’s make a deal. We go outside and plant some daisies. I’ll teach you how to not scorch under the sun and how to read the shadow of the Tower like a clock. And then, once we’re done and if you’re still up for it, I’ll talk philosophy with you.”</p><p>Clarke narrowed her eyes. “When you say it like that, it seems pretty fair. Which means there must be a catch I’m missing.”</p><p>“No catch. Commander’s word.” She touched Clarke on the shoulder, briefly, just enough to make her inhale sharply. “I promise I won’t nap while you ramble.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t dare,” Clarke started walking, and Lexa moved to her side. “I’ll take your offer solely because I don’t want to risk you pulling your stitches. Farming is hard work. You shouldn’t be doing it at all, but I won’t even try to argue.”</p><p>Lexa would have smiled, maybe, just maybe, if they weren’t in public. Instead she brushed her thumb against Clarke’s knuckles, so fast it could have been an accident.</p><p>Clarke knew it wasn’t. Clarke smiled, a small and private quirk of her lips. Lexa desperately wanted to make a public move, to solidify what everyone already knew and whispered about. She was having a hard time deciding whether she should move forward with this relationship at all, but she had already planned all the steps after it if she did, and that included a loud and spectacular announcement.</p><p>Lexa had tried discretion before, and it hadn’t protected Costia, so she decided when the time came, if it ever did, she might as well be as extra as her heart desired and her power allowed.</p><p>If Clarke was into it, of course. “Clarke…” She hesitated, searching for the right way to ask the question.</p><p>They made their way down the stairs and into the sunlight, and Lexa let out an imperceptible sound of pleasure when she felt it warm up her skin. The sound of delighted voices immediately reached her ears, and Lexa almost vibrated with energy.</p><p>“Yes, <em>Heda</em>?”  </p><p>The formality that came with their public personas – Lexa hated it. That was the first thing she was going to tear down, when she and Clarke became official. She’d long decided that love was not weakness, but her people were the type to learn through example rather than words.</p><p>“How do you feel about public displays of affection?”</p><p>“I – what?”</p><p>“Public displays –” Lexa shrugged. People interrupted them, and Lexa gave them smiles and polit nods. “You know,” she tried again, “I’m the Commander. There are a lot of expectations on how I act and the examples I set.”</p><p>“You want to know whether I’m ready and willing take on the responsibility of being a public person.” Clarke moved through the crowds of Polis as if she were liquid flowing between cracks in a stone. “And that’s, quite frankly, a fair question.”</p><p>“Is it one you have an answer to?”</p><p>“Mmh.” She turned sideways, met Lexa’s gaze, then sped up her step. “I was a part of the hundred – the group of criminals sent to earth to check if it could sustain life. You know that. But you never asked me my crime.”</p><p>“It’s a lot more fun to keep guessing.” They stopped at a crossroads, and Lexa took the lead to the fields she kept reserved for when she needed to relax and think. “Realistically, it was probably something noble and political. But I can pretend it’s something fun, like stealing handcuffs for sexual purposes.”</p><p>“Of course you would go there.” Clarke followed Lexa through the fields, making her way through the uneven terrain with the grace of a drunkard. “It was treason, Lexa.”</p><p>The way Clarke whispered her name sent Lexa’s mind to all the wrong places. “That figures. You look like the treasonous type.”</p><p>“Do you mean that as a jab or an insult or… I don’t know?”</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “I mean it as a statement of fact. I don’t know. You’re sneaky. You’re so sneaky most people think you’re trustworthy, which is the worst kind of sneaky. You’re shady, Clarke kom Skaikru. It’s kind of attractive.”</p><p>“God, what’s up with you today? Are you on heat or what?”</p><p>“It’s definitely hot out here,” Lexa chirped, stopping in front of the tiny shed she’d built herself when she was still young enough that she could laugh and blush. She’d picked the seeds up while they were walking through the markets, and she picked out a pair of hoes. “Electric daisies grow on black soil. They need direct sunlight to germinate, so you don’t bury the seeds. We just need to plough the earth.”</p><p>Clarke picked up her tool. “It surprises me how fine you are with my treacherous nature.”</p><p>“I don’t think you <em>are</em> particularly untrustworthy. I just think you stay true to yourself, no matter what. The problem is…” Lexa paused to think. “You’re not selfish, Clarke, you’re genuine. Sometimes, that puts you on the opposite side of your leaders. The problem is authority has relative value to you – as it usually has to independent thinkers.” Lexa walked to the shade and sunk her hoe on the earth. “My point is, I don’t think you’ll betray me, as long as I’m not dismissive to you.”</p><p>“That’s… an accurate read, actually.” Clarke’s hold was clumsy, and Lexa stopped working to help her fix her posture.</p><p>“Straighten your spine, your back will ache all day if you keep it like this.” She guided Clarke’s hands to the correct position. “The strength comes from your whole body, not just your arms.”</p><p>“Okay.” Clarke furrowed her brow in concentration. This time, Lexa allowed herself to smile, just a little, when Clarke wasn’t looking. “Hnng. I think I got the hang of it.”</p><p>She hadn’t, but Lexa let her keep trying and resumed her work. “So, no backstabbing?”</p><p>“No backstabbing, but no beautiful and submissive housewife, either.” She struck the earth with the hoe and it barely sunk in a centimeter. Lexa wanted to laugh, but it wouldn’t be constructive. Clarke tried again. “I might not be the best choice for your public image.”</p><p>Lexa scoffed, watching sweat begin to form on Clarke’s skin. “Nah, I think you’re fine.” </p><p>
  <em>I think you’re perfect. </em>
</p><p>“You’re only saying that because you want to bed me.”</p><p>“Very offended at that insinuation. I do want to bed you, but I also mean every single compliment I give you.”  Lexa moved, her muscles burning delightfully with the effort. “Now shh. Focus on the work. Focus on your body, on your movements, on your aches. Don’t think, just <em>do.”</em></p><p>“Just do,” Clarke repeated, then fell into quiet work, grunting with the effort every now and then.</p><p>Lexa tuned it out, like she turned the world off, letting the constant white noise in her head clear out. She was never one to meditate, and as a young nightblood, she’d spent a long time suffering until she finally figured out she should use her restless nature in her favor rather than fighting it.</p><p>She moved and she ploughed and she flexed and extended until the air burned when it entered her lungs, and once it did, once her fingertips started going numb with the work, only then she was in the right state of mind to summon the commanders of the past to talk. She felt her mind detach from her body, watched herself repeat the same movements over and over –</p><p>“You needed to talk?”</p><p>Lexa turned her incorporeal shape around to face the figure of Becca Pramheda. “I did. I need you to teach me philosophy. You know, the kind you learned before the Praimfaya. The type they taught Clarke.”</p><p>Becca gave her a scowl. “This is what you summoned me for? You activated the flame, you called on the spirit of the first commander, not because you have dire need –“</p><p>“Yes, I know, I can only ever use the flame to bring me misery,” Lexa rolled her eyes. Her astral projection, if that was what it was, felt weightless. She opened her arms and legs to float better.</p><p>“Alexandria, this is serious. I can tell from your memories that Alie has returned –“</p><p>“And I’m handling it.”</p><p>“You don’t know what you’re dealing with. I built that AI myself, and I can help you get it down –“</p><p>“Because you did so well on your first attempt,” Lexa snarked. “Look, with all due respect? You’re long dead, and your miserable legacy was a cult in which children fight each other to the death and are taught unironically that love, the most human of sentiments, is actually evil. You don’t know shit, Becca.” She stopped floating circles to point at her. “Except ancient philosophy. So. Can you do one good thing in your life and teach me that?”</p><p>“Jesus fucking <em>Christ</em>, you’re cruel,” Becca muttered, taking a step back.</p><p>“Really? I wonder how I turned out this way.” Lexa interlaced her fingers behind her head. “Is this Jesus Fucking Christ person a philosopher?”</p><p>“He –“ Becca sighed. “I suppose you could say so? I don’t even know where to start.”</p><p>“Start with the things Clarke would want to talk about. I’m not doing this out of my thirst for knowledge, I’m doing it to impress a girl.” Lexa touched her feet on the earth and watched they go right through. Her body was still moving, still ploughing. “I have goals here, Becca. Let’s focus on them.”</p><p>“There are things to be said about pretending to be something you’re not in order to feel loved. Maybe that’s the branch of philosophy we should start in.”</p><p>“Gods, you’re so pretentious.” Lexa crossed her arms over her chest. “First of all, there’s no pretending involved. Clarke is aware of how much I hate philosophy. This is, in fact, one hundred per cent me. And what do you know of love, anyway? Or of girls? Didn’t you die miserable and alone –“</p><p>“I see what you’re doing. You think you can hurt me until I give you what you want. But if we play this tug of war long enough, you’ll run out of time. So maybe we can negotiate my knowledge in exchange for some decisions in the Alie problem.”</p><p>“No, see, here’s where you’re wrong.” Lexa spun her body so that she was floating upside down. “You can teach me what I want to know, and that would be fantastic. But if you don’t, I’ll just float here all afternoon and make it exceedingly clear how little I think of you. It’ll be cathartic. And then when Clarke starts talking, I’ll just make up some nonsense about how my life philosophy is actually farming, and she’ll buy it because she likes me. So it’s a win-win for me.”</p><p>Alie rubbed her face with her palms. “I suppose we can start with Plato.”  </p><p>“There we go. And don’t worry about the AI.” Lexa grinned. “I’ll handle it just as I handle you.” Becca opened her mouth to reply, but Lexa was faster. “So, were Plato and Jesus friends?”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She was surprised that after a whole day of work, Clarke still had the energy to climb a rock with her to watch the sunset. Lexa helped Clarke up for the last few centimeters, sweaty and smeared by dirt and absolutely beautiful. They sat in silence for a few moments, watching the skies turn into gradually darker shades of red.</p><p>It was Clarke who spoke first, after they’d caught their breaths. “I think I understand you now.”</p><p>Lexa smiled, pure and open joy, her heart still drumming with the day’s exercise. “Oh?”</p><p>“Yeah, things are a lot clearer.” She titled her head up, and the refreshing wind ruffled her blonde hair. “This is what you’re all about, isn’t it? You do things. You plant the seeds. I get what you’re trying to tell me. You find meaning through hard work, and you find happiness when you see the fruits of it, when you see this –“ she gestured to the field. “When you see all of it bloom.”  </p><p>“Mmh.”</p><p>“This is beautiful, Lexa.” She crossed her legs and furrowed her brows in focus. “You know, I thought of hundreds of ways to try and introduce you to concepts in philosophy, but I realize now how much of a fool that would make me seem. You know things, in your own way, and you were trying to communicate them to me, and I just wasn’t listening.”</p><p>“Mmh-hm.”</p><p>“I’m sorry. I’ve learned a lot more than just farming, today. My back hurts like a bitch, though – you’re grinning. Why are you smiling like that? You never smile like that unless you’re up to something.”</p><p>
  <em>I have so few smiles, and you know them all.</em>
</p><p>“Meaning, right? I figured that would be the question you chase.”  Lexa shrugged, staring off into the distance, then looked back at Clarke, eyes twinkling, and raised three fingers. “When it comes down to meaning, we have three main philosophical currents representing possible answers: nihilism, existentialism and absurdism. Those are most famously represented, respectively, by Nietzsche, Kierkegaard and Camus. All three of them have a common starting point: the realization that there’s no intrinsic meaning to living. From then on, each one proceeds –“</p><p>Clarke was gaping, a full open mouthed jaw-drop, and seeing it made Lexa’s entire afternoon more than worth it.</p><p>“They’re philosophers from before the Praimfaya,” She chirped, to add insult to injury.</p><p>“I <em>fucking</em> <em>know</em> who Nietzsche is, why the fuck do <em>you</em> know –“</p><p>“What, you think I’m an uncultured philistine?” She scoffed. “They were the savages, if I say so myself. Three different branches and they’re all abhorrently individualistic. I think Camus had it right when he said we should embrace the absurd condition of human existence, but the way he centers it on the self completely ignores our social nature. The true absurd contradiction isn’t in the Myth of Sisyphus – it’s not about the need for meaning versus the chaotic universe. It’s about how deeply personal the search for meaning is versus how impossible it is to find it by yourself.” Lexa watched the very last rays of sunlight fade. “Orpheus is a better myth for that. It’s all about trusting someone is doing the journey with you, but never being able to truly turn around and check, lest you risk losing it.”</p><p>“What the actual <em>fuck,</em>” Clarke whispered. She rubbed her eyes, smearing even more dirt over her face. “What about – what the – if you knew this all along, what <em>fuck</em> were the daisies for?!”</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “I told you, I like tangible results. I worked a whole field. Look at all the soft earth. It’s rewarding.” She moved in and wiped Clarke’s cheeks with the back of her hand, but they were far too dirty. “Besides, electric daisies are aphrodisiacs. I got you to go outside, now I have high hopes I’ll also manage to get you laid.”</p><p>“I will kill you.”</p><p>Lexa laughed, letting herself lie down on the warm rock. “I don’t like philosophy.” She reached out and grabbed Clarke’s hand, running her thumbs over the palms. They had blisters and the skin was peeling. Lexa brought it to her lips and kissed it gently, and Clarke’s smudged skin turned a bright pink. “But I do like your company. Now tell me, Clarke kom Skaikru, what is <em>your</em> take on meaning?”</p><p>“I love you so fucking much,” Clarke whispered, and it was so unexpected, Lexa almost fell off the damn rock.</p><p>“I –“</p><p>“Shut up.” Clarke glared at her, and Lexa’s heart was leaping and she didn’t know what to do other than obey. “Just shut up. You’re going to lie down there,” Clarke poked her on the shoulder. “And you’re going to hear me talk about finding meaning in life, and I will take no sass on it – and I mean <em>not a single word</em>, Alexandria. You will listen to me talk, and we’re only leaving this goddamn rock when I’m done.”</p><p>“…okay.” Lexa blinked, too stunned to talk back.</p><p>Clarke made a sound of displeasure. “So where do I even start?”</p><p>“Tell me that one story about how the Plato guy was friends with Jesus and the two studied together in Sparta and one of them discovered how to calculate the area of the circle.” She managed to say all of it with a straight face. “That’s my favorite one.”</p><p>“That was not – it’s Aristotle and it’s in Athens and the Pythagorean theorem is about triangles by Pythagoras - Jesus wasn’t even alive – what the <em>fuck – </em>are you pulling my leg again? <em>Lexa!”</em></p><p>And then Lexa was laughing again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"lexa is out of character"</p><p>yeah she's aggressively determined to be happy</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“There’s no pain in the City of Light.” The man stared at Lexa for a long moment, and his expression was one of genuine confusion. “Everyone seems to agree that’s a good thing. Everyone but you.”</p><p><em>I’ve always been an independent thinker,</em> Lexa thought, resisting the urge to laugh. She allowed herself a smile. “Pain is unpleasant, but it’s part of the experience. Pain can be formative. A lot of the things which made me who I am were painful. I don’t…” Lexa paused to consider. “I don’t romanticize them. The things in me that hurt, they’re horrific, and I wish they never happened. But.” She met his eyes. “But they did happen. Reality is like that – harsh and cold and cruel. I hold on to those memories, because they taught me that I’m strong, and because… they motivate me. I was hurt, and now I’m here, and I’ll do everything within my reach so that no one ever has to go through what I did.”</p><p>“But no one has to,” the man blinked. “In the City of Light –“</p><p>“The City of Light is just Pythagoras’ Cave –“</p><p>“Plato’s,” Clarke and Alie said simultaneously.</p><p>Lexa rolled her eyes. “Who owns the cave does not affect the argument, and besides, Marx said the cave should belong to the people.” She shook her head. “The City of Light is the cave. Being there might feel safe and comfortable at first, but it’s not <em>real</em>. You’re just watching shadows dance on the walls.”</p><p>“How do you know that?” He challenged, and Lexa noticed with a hint of pride that Clarke seemed very impressed by the discussion. “How do you know the world out here is not the cave, rather than the City of Light?”</p><p>“Because,” Lexa leaned forward. “When you’re in the dark of the cave and you walk outside and see the sun? That <em>hurts</em>, Alie. That’s the whole point of the myth, that’s why people don’t leave the cave. Because until you’re used to the brightness, it’ll hurt you. And even when you’re used to it, the sun will still burn you, if you stay too long under it. But.” She pointed at him. “It’ll also offer you its warmth, and paint the world around you with colors. So pain, well, it’s a part of it. A part we try to avoid, but also a part we learn to endure because we know, we <em>know,</em> Alie, that the sun is worth it.”</p><p>“You’re trying to convince me pain is an essential part of humanity,” Alie tilted the man’s head. “And yet, when offered the chance to wipe it away, many people – many of your people, even – will jump at the chance to do it.”</p><p>Lexa sighed. “They’re fundamentally misguided, and so are you. It’s not about…” She crossed her arms. “You know I… I’ve had my share of pain. And of course I wish some things never happened, <em>of course</em> I do. But just wiping them away from my head is the wrong way to go about it.  Needing the pain to ease is not the same as pretending you were never hurt on first place. If I want a wound to heal, I need to address it, lest it’ll just bleed me to death.” Lexa took a deep breath. “It’s cruel to erase it.”</p><p>Alie frowned. “Cruel? How can that be?”</p><p>“It’s cruel.” Lexa repeated, then sighed. “I know, because I –“ she shook her head. “I’m not ready to talk about this just yet, I think.”</p><p>He frowned. “Your breaking point. This is it. I could press it, you know. I could tear you down.”</p><p>Lexa arched an eyebrow. “You could try.” She leaned back against her seat. “But you’ll fail.” She saw Clarke scowl at her, and at least had the dignity to offer her an apologetic look. “In fact, I encourage you to. Go ahead. Push me, if you can.”</p><p>Alie was silent for almost a whole minute. And then the man met Lexa’s gaze and spoke. “You killed the other <em>natblida</em>, at the conclave. They were raised with you, almost your siblings, and you killed them.”</p><p>Lexa took a deep breath, the words bringing a dull ache to her chest. “That I did.”</p><p>“Did you care for them at all? Did you think of them the night before, of how to best slit their throats and pierce their hearts?” Alie was on a roll now, and Lexa could see that Clarke was almost physically struggling to stay still. Lexa gave her a single look that made her settle down. “Do you think they thought the same of you, or do you think they loved you too much to consider it?” The man grinned. “Did you, perhaps, enjoy it? Do you enjoy raising the next batch of nightbloods, knowing this will be their fate?”</p><p>Lexa tilted her head and thought of her words. “Of course I loved them. We loved each other. And I…mmh.” She shook her head. “We’re just as smart as people give us credit for. We knew there was a favorite – one of us was just objectively stronger, more skilled, better prepared than the rest.” She smiled, despite how her heart felt like it was being torn from her chest. “It wasn’t me, did you know? It was never me. I was ready to die at that conclave. I was <em>not</em> ready to be the last one standing.” </p><p>That seemed to surprise Clarke, who gave her a questioning look. Alie, too, was completely enraptured by the tale.</p><p>“It was Luna. Luna would have ripped me in half. Instead, she left. She just disappeared from Polis, from the world, in the middle of the night, with nothing but the clothes on her body, never to be seen again. They called her a coward for it, cast her name into shame. And I?” She shrugged, almost apologetically. “I admire what she did, never going against what she believed in. I think it was brave. I get her, I really do. But I also resent her for not facing the damn problem, and leaving me to do it. She left, and that solved nothing. I stayed. I killed my brothers and sisters. I etched the reminders on my skin. And I will not<em>,”</em> She clenched her hand into a fist, then opened it slowly, deliberately. “I will <em>not</em> have Aden go through what Luna did – what I did.”</p><p>“Lexa.“ Clarke closed the distance between them and touched her shoulder. Lexa gave her a glare that was half reproachful, half thankful. “You’ve said more than enough.”</p><p>“No, there’s one more thing.”  Lexa raised her head to face Alie. “Things will be different. I don’t know how, yet, but they will, because I will make it so. I have the power to do it and I will. Part of me hopes Luna hears of it, someday, wherever she is. And part of me hopes when she does, she deems it safe to return. Cause I…” She scoffed. “Truth is? I miss my damn sister. So!” She slapped her knees, then pushed herself up. “There you have it. Thanks for this. It was oddly therapeutic.” Lexa tipped her head, then smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, so you can try again.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Therapeutic?! Fucking <em>therapeutic</em>, Lexa?” Clarke paced around the bedroom, which Lexa was slowly starting to mentally call <em>their</em> bedroom. “You sat down and let an evil fucking AI completely tear into you and you have the gall to call it <em>therapeutic</em>?!”</p><p>Lexa blinked, sitting on the bed, watching Clarke move. There was no use in arguing against Clarke when she was like that, but Lexa decided to give it a valiant attempt. “It sort of was.” She shrugged. “Every time the spirit said something horrible about me, I felt compelled to look into my actions, understand them and defend myself. It was actually <em>good</em> for my self-esteem. More than ever I know I did the best I could with what I was given. So I feel even more confident now.”</p><p>“You feel more – of course. Of fucking course you would.” Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose. “Every single person who talks to Alie ends up wounded, disturbed and traumatized in some way. That – that <em>thing </em>– it made me snap, it made Murphy snap, it made Raven and Octavia snap. It even made Bellamy snap. But <em>you,</em>” She poked Lexa on the shoulder aggressively. “You just went ahead and turned brutal verbal abuse into catharsis. Because that’s just how badass goddamn Lexa kom Trikru is.”</p><p><em>She seems oddly angry at my success, </em>Lexa thought, but didn’t say. Instead she tentatively grabbed Clarke’s hand. “I can tell I’ve upset you somehow, but I don’t know why or how to make it better.”</p><p>Clarke gave her a hard glare, then sighed. “I hate that you’re so clueless and so earnest, it’s impossible to stay mad at you.” Lexa tugged at her hand, and Clarke moved to sit down next to her. “I got <em>worried</em>, Lexa. I can’t just –" She turned sideways to face her. “Sitting there, watching someone try to hurt you, and doing nothing about it? That’s torture.”</p><p>“I wasn’t actually hurt, though,” Lexa tried to reassure. “It was fine. Alie tried to go for my insecurities but I just…” She gave Clarke a sheepish look. “I don’t think I have any? I’m okay with who I am, even with my mistakes. And I don’t mull over the past much, if ever.”</p><p>Clarke made an indistinct sound of distaste and let herself fall down on the bed. “That’s not the point. There was still cruel intent in those words. It’s hard to just let people try to harm someone you – “ she cut herself short. “How would you feel if it were me being attacked?”</p><p>“I would knock the spirit’s teeth off so that they can speak no words against you.” Lexa replied instantly and without hesitation. “Oh. I see what you mean.”</p><p>“You’re an idiot.” Clarke was still holding her hand, and she brushed her thumb against the skin of Lexa’s wrist. “And, um. There’s something else.”</p><p>She waited for Clarke to continue, and when she didn’t, Lexa laid down next to her, so close that their sides touched. Her body responded to it much harder than she would like, heart climbing up her throat, butterflies fluttering inside her stomach.</p><p>“Clarke?”</p><p>“You never told me those things, Lexa.” Clarke didn’t look at her, and Lexa moved her hand to rest it on Clarke’s waist. “You never told me about Luna, or the conclave, or… you never tell me <em>anything</em> even though I lov – even though I care so much. But then you went ahead and opened up to a monster who only wanted to hurt you, and I don’t know what to think of it. I know you’re just a very closed off person –“</p><p>“But I’m not?” Lexa protested, bewildered. “You just never asked.”</p><p>“I –“Clarke blinked. “You would tell me if I did?”</p><p>“…Yes?”</p><p>“Wh – okay.” Clarke narrowed her eyes. “Tell me about Luna.”</p><p>She took a deep breath and rolled on her back to stare at the ceiling. “She was older than me, by a year. And she was…mmh. A bit like you, actually.”</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>Lexa licked her lips. “She was idealistic. She was not a healer, but I think if she’d been given the choice, she would have been. She saw the best in people, always, except… except for herself. She always saw the worst in herself.” Lexa scoffed. “You’re like that, too.”</p><p>“<em>Some</em> of us have self-esteem issues,” Clarke snapped.</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “Can’t relate.” She chewed the inside of her cheek. “Luna was very nurturing. She cared for me, for all of us. She was an excellent person, which in a way meant she wouldn’t have been a great Commander. I was so mad at her for leaving, but…” She sighed. “At some point, I got tired of being angry. And once I did, I realized that she was the only one of us I had left. I realized that more than anything, I missed her. And that I wanted to see her again.”</p><p>“So why didn’t you seek her out?”</p><p>“I was going to, but then people started falling from the sky into my lands and I’ve had my hands full ever since.” She poked Clarke on the ribs. “Besides, it takes a lot to change a culture. What she did was seen as a great dishonor. I’ve been working on deconstructing that, but it takes time.”</p><p>Clarke was staring at her, and the intensity in those clear blue eyes, together with the vulnerability of opening up, made Lexa want to melt into a puddle. Clarke covered Lexa’s wrist with her hand. “I’ll help you. With everything, I mean. With the culture. With preventing the next Conclave. And with finding your sister, I’ll help you with all that, I want to – help you. I want to help you. I want to be with you, Lexa.” She paused, moving her fingers up Lexa’s arm. “And despite my self-esteem issues, I think you want to be with me, too.”</p><p>Lexa swallowed, mouth dry, and nodded.</p><p>“ – so what’s stopping us?”</p><p>“I am horrifically traumatized because the last woman I loved got kidnapped by the Azgeda queen, tortured to death and then decapitated, and they left her head on my pillow, and I both blame myself for it and am terrified of something like that happening to you.”</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ <em>Lexa –“</em></p><p>“He had twelve apostles, the Jesus guy,” Lexa chirped, entirely unhelpfully, but before she could flaunt more of her deep knowledge of philosophers, Clarke pulled her into a tight hug. It was perhaps the most openly intimate contact they’ve ever had, and Lexa let it happen, feeling Clarke’s cool skin against hers. “I sort of feel like crying.”</p><p>“Then cry,” Clarke kissed the top of her head, and Lexa nuzzled into her shoulder. “God knows you need to.”</p><p>“I don’t know how,” Lexa admitted, toying with Clarke’s blonde locks. “I’ve been conditioned to not show emotion. I was taught crying is weakness. I think that’s nonsense – I think it takes strength to be so vulnerable in front of someone you love. And I would, but I genuinely don’t know how. Luna never let them take that from her. She cried a lot, even when she was punished for it. She cried out of spite. Me? I just lie down here, wishing I could.”</p><p>“Jesus <em>Christ</em>,” Clarke repeated, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “I – I don’t know what to say?” She half-laughed, half whimpered. “I kept wondering why you didn’t push things forward, I came with a thousand hypothesis and I knew how to answer to each and every one of them –“</p><p>“But they were all emotional gibberish and you didn’t expect me to have a solid, straightforward concern?” Lexa smiled playfully, though her chest was still squeezing and uncomfortable.</p><p>“I hate you,” Clarke mumbled, and rolled on top of her without warning, and Lexa’s heart which was already racing started thumping even faster. “I’m going to kiss you now. May I?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Lexa replied, and when Clarke pressed their lips together, she felt as if her lungs were robbed of all air. Clarke kissed her once, then twice, then a third time, and only then did Lexa feel, <em>finally</em>, her cheeks burn with a blush, only then did Lexa feel her skin break into goosebumps and her controlled, steady breathing finally break its rhythm.</p><p>Clarke kissed her again, slow and patient, and Lexa felt a lump form on her throat. “I think I –“ her voice broke, and her eyes burned. “I’m sorry, I –“</p><p>“It’s okay,” Clarke pulled Lexa’s braids free, running her fingers through Lexa’s thick hair. “I love you. I’m here. Let it out.”</p><p>“Okay,” she said, and pressed her face against Clarke’s shoulder, and let out a sob that made her throat feel raw. “I love you, too. I don’t know how to show it. But I’ll figure it out.”</p><p>“You’re doing good,” Clarke whispered. “We’ll find a way together. For now, though, I think you need to cry.”</p><p>“I do,” she mumbled, and she was a mess of snot and tears, her warpaint melting over her skin.</p><p>Clarke didn’t mind.</p><p>Clarke held her close, until she was done crying.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this just in:<br/>aggressively optimistic lexa<br/>"I have never questioned myself for a single second in my life" lexa<br/>deadpan "it's not actually complicated it's pretty simple, I'm just traumatized" lexa </p><p>lexa just be like "everyone is too scared to ask me about my feelings and then they complain that I never open up and I think this is bullshit"</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a key point in diplomacy to know your people’s leaders and notable members, and so ever since Skaikru had landed on earth, Lexa had spent a considerable amount of time getting familiar with them. She was first and mostly familiar with Clarke, of course, who had, after an unexpected and fortunate encounter, become her personal physician.</p><p>But there were others, some pleasant, others not so much. She had a respectful, professional relationship with Bellamy and of all Skaikru leaders, he was the one Lexa preferred to deal with. Bellamy cut straight to the point, didn’t dawdle on vague offenses, didn’t waste her time rambling on his feelings, and was creative in offering solutions and finding middle ground. If Lexa could, she’d make all decisions concerning Skaikru with Bellamy and him alone.</p><p>Instead she had Abby, which she disliked, Kane, which she hated, and Jaha, which she <em>absolutely fucking loathed.</em> She tried to like Abby, she really did, because she was Clarke’s mother and Lexa more or less had to accept her presence. But Abby was condescending and caught up on a past Lexa neither understood nor cared about, unless it concerned Clarke. Lexa tolerated her.</p><p>Kane was harder, because Kane was a viper and every time he approached, Lexa could all but hear his metaphorical rattle. He was a charismatic, hypocritical son of a bitch who liked the sound of his own voice too much and never got tired of talking nonsense. Lexa found his presence about as pleasant as pulling a tooth out.</p><p>Jaha was worse. Lexa did not understand how a person such as Jaha actually became a leader, because Jaha was completely fucking insane and potentially under the control of the spirit of Alie, except the spirit of Alie was actually an interesting person, whereas Jaha just made her miserable.</p><p>Lexa had, so far, succeeded in outsourcing all the meetings with Jaha to an increasingly aggravated Anya, who in turn outsourced it to Indra, who would then lash out on Octavia, who would complain to Bellamy, and then <em>Bellamy</em> would show up instead of Jaha and Lexa could finally solve whatever the damn problem was.</p><p>Lexa liked to call that ‘<em>strategy’</em>.</p><p>There were others among Skaikru which Lexa was, to some extent, acquainted with. There was Murphy, of whom she was strangely fond of, because he was a selfish bastard who did not pretend to be anything but. There was Monty, the engineer, and Jasper, Monty’s insufferable whiny tagalong. There was Wells, Clarke's best friend, who was surprisingly interesting and pleasant to be around, considering how much Lexa disliked his father. There were others, too, whose names she often mixed up and didn’t care enough to learn because Clarke always saved her from any slip ups.</p><p>And then there was Raven.</p><p>Lexa loved Raven. Clarke had a solid hold on the position of Lexa’s favorite Skaikru person, but Raven came right after. Raven was awesome, because Raven was not only a complete genius but also witty, creative and fascinating. And Raven brought her trinkets. It was great. Asides from Clarke, Raven was the only other Skaikru person who could show up unannounced and entirely interrupt Lexa’s schedule, because technology updates had first class privilege.</p><p>“Have you brought me a device, Raven kom Skaikru?” Lexa sat on her throne, legs crossed at the ankles.</p><p>Raven bowed. She always bowed with such excessive flourish, it was obvious she was being ironic. It grated on every authority in the room, except for Lexa herself, who found it ballsy and, quite frankly, hilarious. “That I have, oh supreme and glorious Heda, if you have the time to see this humble servant.”</p><p>Lexa <em>really</em> liked Raven. “Of course.” She turned to the ambassadors in the room. “This subject has long run its course, anyway.” She waved her hand. “You’re dismissed.” Lexa stood and motioned for Raven to follow. “Come. Let us talk somewhere more private.”</p><p>“Yes, your magnificence.” Raven chirped, hopping after her with undisguised glee.</p><p>Lexa hesitated for a moment, then decided to go for her private quarters rather than the regular meeting rooms, because Raven was being particularly sassy, and that usually meant she had something bothering her but didn’t know how to bring it up. Lexa knew, because Lexa practiced that exact same kind of passive-aggression.</p><p>“Oooh, getting personal,” Raven stepped in front of her and pushed the doors open. “Are you certain Clarke won’t mind?”</p><p>It was a clear jab, but Lexa chose to answer it anyway. “I don’t think so. Clarke has never shown signs of being possessive. And I’m a faithful person.”</p><p>“Obviously. For a vicious empress, you’re secretly very sweet.” Raven poked Lexa’s side. “Don’t say her name like that.”</p><p>Lexa frowned. “Who, Clarke?”</p><p>“Yeah. Your English is nearly perfect to start with and you say her name impeccably. It’s impressive. But she likes the accent. She thinks it’s sexy when you say it, you know,” Raven gestured with her hand.</p><p>“Klark?”</p><p>“Yes!” She grinned. “Like that. You’re welcome for the tip, by the way. Here, I got you something.” She pulled something off her pocket – a device, small enough to fit into her hand, with a screen and a few buttons. “You’ll love this. It’s a Gameboy. It was dead when I found it, but I managed to plug it into a solar panel.”</p><p>“What purpose does it serve?”</p><p>“Absolutely none!” Raven kicked off her boots, already getting comfortable. “It’s just for fun.” She messed around with the thing, then moved to Lexa’s side. “Check it out! You use the arrows to move, this button to jump, this one to shoot and this one to throw grenades. Like this.”</p><p>Lexa watched her demonstration with rapt attention. “Give it to me. Let me try.”</p><p>Raven handed her the toy and sat on the bed. Lexa shrugged off her coat and did the same, carefully testing the movements of the tiny man inside the screen. He moved from left to right and jumped under her command.</p><p>“So, you and Clarke, huh?”</p><p>“Mm-hm.” She pressed the shooting button and orange little pellets came out of his gun. “Klark and I. We’re together, if that’s what you’re wondering.”</p><p>“Literally no one is wondering about that, Lexa. I swear, the two of you were the last to know.” Raven leaned against the pillows. “I think it’s sweet. Although I worry for you a little. No, honestly. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it, but Clarke is way more of a heartbreaker than you are.”</p><p>“I know.” Her little man was hit by a blue bullet, and he blinked out of existence, then the screen reset to the beginning of the level. “She’s a bit of a viper. I think it’s attractive.”</p><p>Raven snorted. “Some people love playing with fire.”</p><p>“I like playing with this thing.” She motioned with the Gameboy. “It’s a lot more fun than the colorful cube you brought me the other day.”</p><p>“A Rubik’s cube can be entertaining, as long as you use solve it<em> the right way</em>. You aren’t meant to take it apart and rebuild it, Lexa.”</p><p>“More efficient that way,” She mumbled, furrowing her brows and focusing on her game. The ugly little man died again, and Lexa scowled. “This will take some time to master.” She raised her eyes from the toy. “May I keep it?”</p><p>“You know you’re like, queen of the whole fucking planet, right? You don’t have to ask for the Gameboy. You can just seize the Gameboy.” She must have made a face, because Raven scoffed. “I’m just pulling your leg. Sure, keep it. I always save anything minimally interesting for you, anyway.” She made a salute. “Only the best for my <em>Heda</em>.”</p><p>Lexa closed the Gameboy and met Raven’s eyes. “I get the sense that something is unsettling you. Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“Hell yeah I do. What use is having the attention of the most powerful woman in humanity if I can’t ask her for love advice?” Before she could interject, Raven continued. “Look, I know what you’re going to say.”</p><p>“You do?”</p><p>“Yeah, that you’re a bad person to ask for this kind of thing, blah, blah, blah. But truth is, I’m running out of options here.” She leaned forward. “People only give me bullshit and vague gibberish. So I was sitting in my room, playing with my Gameboy and wondering, where oh where could I go for actual useful fucking insight?” She poked Lexa’s shoulder. “To the most no-nonsense <em>puta </em>in the whole planet, that’s where.”</p><p>“…thanks?” Lexa blinked. Her English was fluent, but she still struggled with Skaikru slang. She was quite confident both that <em>puta</em> was an insult and that Raven had just used it as a compliment. “What may I help you with?”</p><p>“Well, the thing is, Finn and I…” Raven fell silent, and Lexa gave her the time to figure out what to say. “Finn and I… I don’t know how to put this.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at the ceiling. “What would you think if… if one day you realized Clarke just doesn’t think you’re interesting anymore?”</p><p>Lexa frowned. “Why wouldn’t she? I’m very interesting.”</p><p>“I – “ Raven blinked. “No, yeah, okay, I should have expected that.” She shook her head. “Let me try this again. Finn and I, we met in the Ark, right?” Lexa nodded for her to continue. “And in the Ark, well, there was a pretty limited number of women available. But when we got to the ground, there were plenty of girls around, you know what I mean?”</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Wha –“Raven frowned. “No, wait, you gotta understand it. I can’t move forward if you don’t.” She crossed her legs on top of the bed. “There were few girls, and I was interesting to him. But then we got down here and there were many more girls, so now I’m not the most interesting one anymore.”</p><p>“Literally nothing about that makes any shape of sense.”</p><p>Raven hesitated. “It…doesn’t?”</p><p>Lexa shook her head. “Did he get any less interesting to you because there were other men available?”</p><p>“Well, no, but that’s different –“ She paused. “Wait, no, it isn’t. Son of a <em>bitch.</em>”</p><p>“You are very interesting, Raven.” She raised the Gameboy. “You’re the only person in the world who can get this kind of thing to work. Do you realize the magnitude of that? You keep saying I’m the most powerful person on Earth, and that’s probably true.” Lexa put the toy on the mattress and bent down to untie her boots. “But you’re way up on the list, too.”</p><p>“Huh. Hey, you know we’re friends, right?” She fiddled with her hands, and Lexa handed her the game so she’d have something to do. Raven was quiet for a moment, focusing on the screen. She made brief eye contact. “Or, we’re friends to me, at least. I just realized I might be giving you the wrong impression. I don’t want you to think I’m sucking up to you just because you’re in charge or anything.”</p><p>“You truly don’t strike me as that type.” Lexa reassured, kicking her socks off and wiggling her toes. She unfastened her armor and threw it into a corner, hopefully out of Clarke’s way when she invariably snuck into Lexa’s bed at night. “It’s oddly ambivalent. You act like you both admire and despise my authority.”</p><p>“It’s… complicated.” Raven sighed. “I was a nobody in the Ark. Less than a nobody. I was nothing. I would have starved to death, if Finn hadn’t fed me. So.” She didn’t raise her eyes from the game. Lexa saw her scowl at the screen. “<em>Pendejos.” </em>She looked back at Lexa. “I just think it’s awesome that I can walk into the throne room and ask to talk to the boss of the whole fucking thing, as if I were someone that important.”</p><p>“Did you not listen to what I just say?” Lexa’s tone was even, but she let her expression betray mild annoyance. She brought her legs up the bed and bumped her foot against Raven’s. “You <em>are</em> that important. As a worker, but also as a friend, and as a person.”</p><p>“I did listen, it just doesn’t register.” Raven stared at where she’d been touched, then bumped Lexa back. “I don’t know. My own mother exchanged my food for her next glass of alcohol, over and over, until she dropped dead in front of me. That kinda thing sticks with you. Makes you feel worthless. Makes you accept less than you deserve.”</p><p>“My mom gave me away to be raised into a cult.” Lexa offered as consolation. She moved to sit side by side with Raven so she could watch her play. “Everyone is brainwashed to think this is a great honor, but the truth is I was a little kid forced to kill my siblings, and when you strip it of all the religious fervor, it was horrific. It was child sacrifice. It was murder. I’m a mess.”</p><p>Raven gave her a long look, then burst out laughing. <em>“Que mierda, </em>Lexa. At least we know for sure we’ll be better parents than that.” She elbowed Lexa on the ribs. For a moment, Lexa watched in silence as Raven controlled the little man with mastery, jumping and dodging. “This is awkward. I don’t like talking about feelings. I just thought you should know how much I appreciate you.”</p><p>“You do?” Her eyes darted from one side of the screen to the other. “What is that huge creature?”</p><p>“It’s the level boss. You have to save the grenades for when you get to it. It takes forever to kill otherwise.” Raven focused, smashing the buttons faster. “And yeah. You know me. My head is buzzing with ideas all the time. Back at the Ark, this was a fucking curse.”</p><p>“How come? Oh, watch out for the –“</p><p>“Motherfucker!” Raven slammed the Gameboy on the mattress. “You think I’m nice for giving this to you? No. This game is evil. It’s rigged. There’s no amount of skill in the world that can save you from the little bastards that the <em>hijo de una puta</em> keeps spawning.”</p><p>Lexa picked the game up and started again from the beginning. “I will figure it out, and then I will show you.”</p><p>“Psh. Let me know when you do. When you’re not neck-deep in work, you’re surprisingly fun to be around, your highness.” Raven threw an arm around Lexa’s shoulder, and Lexa leaned back against her. “I couldn’t change anything. In the Ark, I mean. I knew how to make things better, but that was as far as it got. I didn’t have the <em>power</em> to flip a damn switch. There were papers and protocols and more papers and the best I could hope for was that someone closer to the Council’s ears would steal my idea and put it to work.”</p><p>“It seems objectively unwise to waste a mind such as yours. I’ll admit I don’t understand how Skaikru governs itself, but it does not seem to me like you were led well.”</p><p>“Jaha, Abby and Kane were in charge.”</p><p>“Ah.” Lexa led the character she controlled into a cave, trying to hold the high ground by sticking to the upper platform and shooting from above.</p><p>Raven snorted. “Your lack of words speaks volumes. Hey, good moves. You learn fast.”</p><p>“Thank you. I am a strategic mastermind.” Lexa smashed the buttons, growing frustrated when the little man blinked out of existence. “I never thought I’d say this, but my reflexes are too slow.”</p><p>“That’s videogames for you. Don’t worry, your reaction time gets better with practice. I’ll try to fix the speakers. I bet the sound cues will help you.” Raven tucked her head under Lexa’s chin. Lexa wrapped an arm all the way around her, trying to reach back to the game. Raven adjusted her position and ended up lying on Lexa’s lap. “This is wild. You’re a <em>cuddler</em>. I’m cuddling the empress. Ohhh, Clarke will skin me if she hears of this.”</p><p>“Klark is not possessive.” Lexa mumbled absently, focusing on the game. She was almost arriving at the boss, and Raven went quiet, watching with rapt interest. “And we are not touching romantically. We are touching as family does.”</p><p>“Not in the Ark, they don’t. Not most people, at least. People like me – the latinos – we’re big on physical affection. The <em>gringos</em> like your Clarke, not so much.”</p><p>The words <em>your Clarke</em> were distracting enough that Lexa looked away from the game for a split second. It was one second too long. The screen went dark, and her character reappeared at the beginning. Lexa scowled, then put it down. “You had different tribes among yourselves?”</p><p>“I suppose you could call it that. The Ark was formed by a whole bunch of people from different cultures. We’re far from homogeneous and we hardly ever agree on anything. I’m sure you noticed.” Raven grabbed Lexa’s hand and guided it to her scalp.</p><p>Lexa ran her fingers through Raven’s hair, frowning. “And Klark doesn’t like touching?”</p><p>“Clarke loves touching, but the <em>gringos</em> have a deeply internalized belief that touch is always sexual, and that sex is always immoral, and therefore you should not cuddle anyone, ever, unless you’re married and bound under the eyes of Jesus or something.”  </p><p>“Oh!” Lexa perked up. “Again with the Jesus guy. He keeps coming up. He didn’t stand out to me when I was studying philosophy but he’s clearly important. I should look deeper into it.”</p><p>Raven rolled her head to face Lexa with a serious expression. “You absolutely should not. I guarantee you that the least you know about the Jesus guy, the happier you will be.”</p><p>“But Klark –“</p><p>“Thinks it’s hysterical that you keep mistaking Jesus with Jason the fucking <em>Argonaut</em>, and I assure you that this brings her more joy than you actually learning about Jesus ever will.”</p><p>“Okay.” Lexa blinked, then resumed toying with Raven’s hair. She tangled her fingers on it and separated the strands. “You give strange advice, Raven <em>kom Skaikru</em>. I don’t always understand it, but I take your word for it.”</p><p>“A mistake you’ll eventually come to regret.” She paused. “When my betrayals result in mild inconvenience. I feel like I should stress that – <em>mild inconvenience</em>. Little pranks. Harmless ones. Please don’t execute me.”</p><p>“I would never.” She twisted Raven’s hair into a shape she hadn’t done in so long, she’d nearly forgotten it. “You’re too valuable of an asset. I’d probably just have you lashed.”</p><p>“Ha-ha.” Raven paused. “I can’t tell whether you’re kidding. You know that, right? Dear god. You’re fucking terrifying.” Lexa smiled, but didn’t clarify. She tugged a little on the hair, and Raven turned her head to make the braiding easier. “I mean it, though, Lexa. It’s unthinkable to me that I can just tell you every single one of my stupid ideas and you just – you actually listen. Even when they’re useless. And then you look at me and go ‘Okay, what do you need’, and I just – aw, man. I’m going to cry.”</p><p>Lexa extended her neck and took a peek at Raven’s face to check whether that was a figure of speech, and was alarmed to learn the words might have been literal. “I don’t know how to comfort you. I am not very good with feelings.”</p><p>“<em>Puta</em>, me neither.” She sniffled. “Maybe that’s why we communicate so well. We both suck ass at this. See, this is the kind of thing I should feel comfortable to talk about with my goddamn boyfriend. Instead I’m stuck worrying about whether I still matter to him.”</p><p>“I think your boyfriend is an immature manchild who tries to use a so-called carefree attitude to hide the fact that he is a mediocre person who doesn’t have the stomach to own up to his own actions.” Lexa finished the braid and twisted the tip into a knot. “He’s self-centered enough to think his fickle feelings are the most important thing in the world, and irresponsible enough to act on them without regards of how it’ll affect others.” Lexa paused for a moment to admire her work. “I don’t like Fin. You suffering for him is undignified. You can do better.”</p><p>“You don’t mince words, do you?” Raven grabbed a pillow and covered her face with it, then groaned. “It’s kind of refreshing. Honestly? Next time, I’ll just come straight to you for advice. At least you make sense. And you give me cuddles.”</p><p>Lexa opened her mouth to reply, but before she could speak, she was interrupted by the sound of the bedroom door opening. She had a moment of blank-faced surprise when Clarke walked into the room, took a look at the scene before her, arched her eyebrows and blinked.</p><p>“…what.”</p><p>“What?” Raven pushed the pillow off her face and sat up, tilting her chin up in defiance.</p><p>“Hi, Klark.” Lexa raised her hand in greeting. “Raven and I are touching in non-romantic ways. I am specifying, because Raven told me you think all touch is sexual because you are a <em>gringo</em>. Look.” She touched Raven’s hair. “I gave her a sister braid.”</p><p>“You gave me a –“ Raven turned to her so fast, Lexa was worried for her spine. “Oh my god. Oh my <em>god.</em> I’m going to tear up again. You!” She pointed to Clarke. “Don’t you <em>dare</em> ruining her. She’s warm, okay? She’s warm, and she’s a sweetheart, and Clarke, if your cold-ass bitch of a self ruins this woman, I will fuck you up, I <em>swear</em> –“</p><p>“I know.” Clarke closed the door behind her, then walked to them, stepping off her slippers. “I know she’s warm. I know she’s cuddly. I <em>know</em>.” She climbed on the bed and cupped Lexa’s face, kissing her forehead first, then her lips. When she pulled away, she stuck out her tongue at Raven. “Find your own.”</p><p>“Fuck you! <em>Vete al carajo, pendeja! </em>I will fuck you up –“ Raven repeated, and Clarke laughed.</p><p>Lexa smiled wide, and watched the two bicker, and felt the happiest she’d been in a long time.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>no alie this chapter just raven reyes who is the only reason i still watch this show </p><p>WE WERE ROBBED OF LEXA &amp; RAVEN FRIENDSHIP</p><p>raven is like, the weirdest latina rep ever because the actress playing her is clearly latina but the person writing her clearly isn't</p><p>so her last name is REYES for god's sake and she has like the perfect energy but the wrong LINES so she gives me this cognitive dissonance like</p><p>it's been seven seasons. raven still hasn't gone CHINGA TU MADRE CABRON DE MIERDA and like. i can tell she wants to. i can feel it in my bones. but they don't LET HER. </p><p>what i'm trying to say is let raven say puta you cowards LET RAVEN SAY PUTA</p><p>"but buttons all countries got together to make the Ark and over the course of generations they developed an unified culture so latina raven doesn't make sense -"</p><p>chinga tu madre puta </p><p>"do latinos actually cuddle their friends platonically like that?"</p><p>yes we do</p><p>"why is lexa so cuddly"</p><p>BECAUSE I'M WRITING A FANTASY CULTURE WHY WOULD I CHOOSE TO MAKE THEM COLD </p><p>grounder children drag their bedrolls to the center of the room and huddle together into one big cuddle pile and that's how they sleep, snuggling each other</p><p>no I don't take criticism</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa watched the ambassadors’ faces move in and out of her vision, only half-listening to what they were saying. What she liked the most about being Commander was having the power to make decisions that could change things for the better. What she really didn’t like about being Commander was how much blabbering she had to listen to actually get things done.</p>
<p>Or, well, she didn’t <em>have</em> to, strictly speaking. She could go outright dictatorial and just do the damn things she’d end up doing anyway. Plenty of Commanders before her had done as much. But when Lexa formed the Coalition, she made a promise to give every single clan an equal voice.</p>
<p>It was a great thing when she actually needed different perspective. It was a terrible thing when there was no dilemma, just an obvious course of action, and she still had to listen to every ambassador repeat the same points over and over. Lexa sighed. Kane showed up in her peripheral vision, and as he moved to the center of her view, he made brief eye contact, then looked away.</p>
<p><em>At least it’s Kane</em>, she thought as she turned away from him. It was worse when it was Abby, because she felt constantly pressured to impress her girlfriend’s mother. Which was absurd. She was already Commander. She couldn’t get any more impressive than that.</p>
<p>“ – and because of that, Yujleda agrees with Raven <em>kom </em>Skaikru’s proposal and believes a structured sewage system in Polis would be of benefit for all the Coalition.”</p>
<p>Lexa waited for him to appear in front of her. “Thank you, Uzac,” she said before he once again went away from view. “Kane kom <em>Skaikru</em>, your clan bears responsibility for the technical aspects of the project. Have you anything to add?”</p>
<p>“Nothing which hasn’t already been said,” Kane replied.</p>
<p>Before Lexa could tell the next Ambassador to continue, she heard the door open. She put her feet down on the ground to slow down her movement just the right amount and turned towards the newcomer slowly, excruciatingly so –</p>
<p>“Klark!” She let her expression change to a wide grin. It was a calculated move – she was still introducing her people to the concept of their <em>Heda</em> showing any kind of emotion – but the smile she offered Clarke was one of genuine joy. “Raven gave me a chair that spins!”</p>
<p>As if to punctuate her words, the chair kept on spinning, until she could no longer see Clarke. When that happened, Lexa bent her neck over it, staring at Clarke upside down. It was a mistake – the world which was already unsteady from all her rotating did a vertiginous turn.</p>
<p>But it was worth it, because Clarke burst out laughing, so hard she doubled over, holding her stomach. There was a moment of silence in the room when all the Ambassadors looked at her for any signs of offense, and then Lexa’s smile widened and the tension in the room dissipated.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, Lexa,” Clarke approached, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes, bent down and held Lexa’s face, then pressed their foreheads together. “You’re absurd, darling.” She gave Lexa a peck on the lips and turned to Kane. “Have you been watching her spin on an office chair for two hours while you discuss sanitation plans?”</p>
<p>Kane’s only answer was a blank look, and Clarke hid her face behind her hand and broke into another fit of giggles. Lexa took a moment to admire just how comfortable the entire situation felt. This sort of thing could only happen because it was Clarke doing it, and as it turned out, her people were just as fascinated by Clarke as Lexa herself was.</p>
<p>Granted, there had been suspicion on both parts when <em>Skaikru </em>landed, but any sort of resistance quickly went away when she and Clarke led the assault on Mount Weather together, and when she finally welcomed <em>Skaikru</em> as the thirteenth clan in the coalition, there were few who had complaints and none who would voice them.</p>
<p>Clarke had been, right from the start, someone who left a good impression. The people liked her when she performed her healing magics to any who would ask, and the people liked her when she became Lexa’s personal physician, and they liked her even more when she came up with a way to cure the <em>Ripas</em>, but when they found out she could also hold her own as a military commander, then the people absolutely <em>loved</em> her.</p>
<p>If there was one thing the grounders valued, it was leaders who could make ruthless decisions when they had to. Clarke had pulled the lever on Mount Weather, against her own values, in order to protect Lexa’s invading forces. That was a proof of value even the most skeptical couldn’t argue with.</p>
<p>They started calling her <em>Wanheda</em>, and though it was obviously meant as an honor, it made Clarke upset enough to bring her to tears at night. So Lexa did the only thing that could stop it, gave Clarke the one title which outweighed <em>Commander of Death, </em>made public the single piece of information that could outshine slaying the Mountain during a gossip session:</p>
<p>She made their relationship official.</p>
<p>So far, it was going great. Clarke was intelligent and kind and she looked weird and she’d fallen from the sky, so all in all, everyone agreed she was worthy of the Commander. “The spinning chair allows me to test my balance and reflexes while strategizing my next move. It is training.”</p>
<p>“Did Raven tell you that?”</p>
<p>“No. I arrived at the conclusion myself.” Lexa stood, but she still had vertigo from all the movement and she stumbled. Clarke caught her immediately, and Lexa took the opportunity to turn it into a smooth embrace and steal a kiss. “Klark. Would you like to join the meeting?”</p>
<p>It could be seen as giving inappropriate favor to have more than one person from the same clan in a meeting such as this, but it was different with Clarke. Lexa was the first Commander to openly take a lover, and just as the <em>Heda</em> belonged to no clan, the people had unanimously arrived at the conclusion that this meant Clarke was no longer <em>Skaikru</em> because she was now Lexa’s.</p>
<p>“No, I actually came to fetch you, if you’re not desperately needed at the moment.” Clarke brushed her fingers against Lexa’s wrist. “That… thing you asked me to work on, I have it.”</p>
<p>Lexa’s heart nearly leaped off her chest. “ – oh.” She kept her face showing schooled neutrality as she took a step back to address the ambassadors. “The discussion has been productive so far, but I am needed for a more immediate concern. Go on without me, and I’ll settle any conflicts which may show up.”</p>
<p>The ambassadors voiced their agreement, all except Rafel from Trishanakru. Lexa acknowledged him with a nod, and he spoke. “Thank you, Heda. Although the matter of sanitation seems to be nearly settled, what we most wanted to hear about was something else entirely.”</p>
<p>Lexa tensed and tilted her chin up. “Ah. You want to know of the <em>natblidas?</em>” Their silent exchange of looks was answer enough. Lexa scowled. “I would appreciate it if you were upfront about your concerns. No?” Silence. She took a step forward. “Don’t any among you have a spine?”</p>
<p>Still no answer. Lexa felt a twinge of anger. She gripped the arm of her chair. “I will count to three, and if no one has the nerve to voice their objections, then I will take the matter as closed. One.” One by one she made eye contact with the ambassadors, and one by one they looked down. She grit her teeth. “Two. Th –“</p>
<p>“Lexa.” Clarke placed a hand on her shoulder. Lexa turned to her, and it was hard to keep her anger from dissipating when Clarke brushed her fingers against Lexa’s knuckles. She turned to the ambassadors. “Whispering about your Commander’s decisions behind her back and not speaking up when prompted is childish, cowardly and, quite frankly, a little bit treasonous.”</p>
<p>Lexa exhaled. She wasn’t one to lash out, not usually. Rather she was the type to take cool-headed decisions, putting her anger away so it could be distilled and aged into a fine brandy of precise and deadly hatred. It took a lot to get Lexa off her cool, but when it did happen, she went for the kill.</p>
<p>This, though, this was different – this was a matter of her coming out as harsh because she had limited patience for all the walking on eggshells that being a politician entailed. They expected her to be sensitive to their unspoken fears or, worse still, to their unspoken <em>feelings</em>. Lexa could do it if she put in the effort, but she found it to be a waste of energy when she just wanted to get things done.</p>
<p>Clarke, though, had a natural inclination for the thing. Better yet, they had amazing synergy when they worked together. Lexa let her lips curl downward a little, let her shoulders sag slightly, just enough to show her disappointment. “When I formed this Coalition, I made a promise that all would have a voice. That I’d not rule through fear. Have I not made good on that?”</p>
<p>One of the ambassadors cleared her throat. “You have, Heda.”</p>
<p>She took a step forward. “And have I ever been unjust? Have I ever punished people for voicing their disagreements? Have I been a cruel leader, a tyrant? Do I deserve this?”</p>
<p>“No, Heda,” Other ambassadors began mumbling their agreement.</p>
<p>“Then <em>speak</em>.” Lexa said, authority sharp on her tone.</p>
<p>This time, they were able to quickly reach an agreement among themselves. “Heda, you must understand, doing away with the Conclave is an immense change to our traditions. We have reason to be concerned.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Shove your homicidal traditions up your fucking –</em>
</p>
<p>“We live in changing times.” Lexa gestured with her palm. “The clans have united for the first time since <em>Pramheda</em>. People have fallen from the sky. Every day we are met with the unknown, and every day we use the opportunity to rise above it and become stronger. So, yes, I understand. Change is scary.” She brought her hand to her chest. “But <em>I’m</em> not afraid, and I will lead us into it, as I always have, and we will prevail, as we always do. Trust me. We turned invaders into allies. We cured the <em>Ripas. </em>We felled the Mountain. <em>Trust me</em>.”</p>
<p>Lexa could still see hesitation in their eyes, but she was excellent on swaying people on the sheer power of her confidence.</p>
<p>“Heda.” one of the men spoke, then hesitated. “We trust you, truly. But I can’t help but wonder if this… this is such a big change on our traditions. What do the Commanders of the past think of it?”</p>
<p>
  <em>The commanders of the past loathe the idea, but did the commanders of the past best the fucking Mountain? Did they? No, that was me. Me and the sky people they wanted me to wipe out. Me. Ignoring their every word. Entirely me.</em>
</p>
<p>She tilted her chin up. “Rafel. I would never do anything to disrespect our past. I am one with the Commanders. I am no <em>Sheidheda – </em>is that what you take me for?”</p>
<p>To his credit, he seemed outraged at the mere suggestion. “No – of course not. I… we. We are sorry for doubting you, Heda.”</p>
<p>The other ambassadors mumbled in agreement, and Lexa, once again breaking the rules, rewarded them with a smile. Clarke scoffed, and then oddly, much to her surprise, hid her face on Lexa’s shoulder. Instinctively, Lexa brought her hands up to hold her, bringing her closer. “Klark?”</p>
<p>Clarke got comfortable in her embrace, then turned halfway to the ambassadors – or, specifically, to Kane. “My father was executed for speaking up against his leader – for bringing to light a lie that would have put everyone at risk.” She and Kane stared at each other for a tense moment. “Lexa doesn’t lie, because she trusts her people to handle the truth.” Clarke didn’t drop her gaze. “And Lexa listens, because she believes her people deserve to be heard. Lexa treats her people as <em>people</em>, not as her <em>things</em>, and joining the Coalition was the biggest bliss and the biggest honor <em>Skaikru</em> could have been offered.”</p>
<p>“Klark –“ Lexa spoke, and her voice came an octave too high.</p>
<p>Clarke turned away from Kane to look at her. “I appreciate you, darling. Your people should, too. They should know <em>exactly</em> what they have, and there’s no better way of making that clear than telling them what we had instead. Tyranny.” She tucked her head under Lexa’s chin. “Worse still, tyranny with the illusion of choice. We got to choose our leaders, but all the options given to us were con artists and liars. We didn’t know, in the sky, whether the land was safe. So our leaders sent our children first – not our warriors. Our <em>children</em>. Those were the people who led us. <em>That</em> is what bad leadership looks like. Bad leaders cower upon change. Lexa embraces it.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Lexa said, and kissed the top of Clarke’s head. Maybe she was blushing, but she couldn’t tell, because felt warm all over. “Thank you, love. Truly. I…” She was, for once, speechless. She cleared her throat. “We can’t keep killing the <em>Natblida</em>. There’s less of us each generation. If nothing changes, then soon enough we will no longer be able to have a new Commander. This is for the best. I know it. It’ll be a little scary at first, a little different. But it’ll pay off in the future, you’ll see.”</p>
<p>“We see it pays off now.” Indra, who had been silent all along, stood up. “We were all hesitant when you decided to openly take a lover – don’t give me that look. You’re a brazen young woman. We were worried you’d get distracted. But this? She?” She pointed to Clarke. “She defends you with the fierceness of a wounded beast. She covers your blind spots without needing to be asked. She doesn’t threaten you, but she doesn’t coddle you, either. There’s nothing to worry about. You chose well. You always do. You deserve our faith in this, too.”</p>
<p>Lexa tipped her head. “Thank you once again for the trust – all of you.” She smiled again, sly this time. “I’ll take my leave now, and retribute this in the same way – I’ll trust you’ll be able to finish this discussion without incident. Don’t let me down.” She took Clarke’s hand. “Now, for that business. Shall we?”</p>
<p>Clarke smiled and interlaced their fingers. “I’ll show you the way.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>lexa and the commanders of the past have the exact same energy as that Untitled Goose Game screenshot where you have several NO GOOSE signs and the goose standing on top of them </p>
<p>lexa is like "THIS SIGN CANNOT AFFECT ME BECAUSE I CANNOT READ" but with the commanders in her head</p>
<p>"buttons did you forget this thing was supposed to have a main plot?"<br/>SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I AM DOING THE SIDE QUESTS</p>
<p>seriously though there's no point to this anymore and I should stop pretending there is one because I'm just writing whatever the fuck I want</p>
<p>"buttons what's the thing clarke was helping lexa with"<br/>next chapter</p>
<p>"I feel like you dropped me in the middle of a story and I don't know how things got to this happy-place AU"<br/>there's actually like a ten page long story explaining that and it has REAL ACCURATE SCIENCE </p>
<p>but it was handwritten on my hospital shift notebook and it's spread all over it in separate snippets with notes on patients in the middle</p>
<p>"So clarke and lexa kissed and -"  2nd floor infirmary A bed 203 heart rate 77 satO2 97%aa RCR 2T SS  "And then the grounders were attacked by the mountain men -"</p>
<p>maybe someday I'll get around to typing it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa had stopped in front of the door, Clarke still holding her hand, and she’d been standing there for at least five minutes, and she was grateful that if Clarke was bothered by her sweaty hands, she didn’t show it. Instead Clarke’s thumb rubbed soothing circles on her palm. It still took Lexa a while to push herself into action, or at least into speaking.</p><p>“I’m scared,” She admitted, turning to look at Clarke. Lexa stared into her blue eyes, because fearful or not, she still had dignity. “I am fucking terrified, actually. Having a horrible time here, Klark.”</p><p>Clark snorted, then pulled Lexa closer by the waist, until their torsos touched. “Mmh. You asked me for this for a reason.” She placed her hand on Lexa’s sternum. “And I could try to make you talk about how you feel, but that would just make you more anxious. So, forget about it for a moment. You work better with goals. What are they?”</p><p>“Right. Goals.” She pressed her face against the top of Clarke’s head, loving how Clarke’s smaller shape fit into her arms. It was comforting to hold her. “I’m trying to introduce massive cultural change. This is a part of it. We’re not doing the Conclave anymore, so Luna’s banishment no longer makes sense.” She hesitated. “Well, there’s something to be said about how no law should be retroactively applied, but I don’t care. It wasn’t fair to start with. So. That’s the goal. To correct an injustice.”</p><p>“And how will you go about it?” Clarke pressed her cheek against Lexa’s collarbone. “What do you have to do to achieve what you want?”</p><p>She felt a painful clench on her chest, strong enough to make her nauseous, and ignored it with the expertise of decades of emotional repression. “I’ll tell Luna that she’s been pardoned and she’s welcome to stay or to visit as she sees fit.”</p><p>“Sounds like a plan, darling.” Clarke ran a finger up and down Lexa’s arm. “What’s getting in your way?”</p><p>Lexa made an indistinct sound of distress. “There’s too many ways this can go wrong, and in every one of them I end up heartbroken.”</p><p>“And has the fear of heartbreak or even heartbreak itself ever stopped you from reaching your goals?”</p><p>“Of course not.”</p><p>Clarke pulled away and gave Lexa a small shove. “Then walk through that door and get shit done, Lexa.”</p><p>Lexa stumbled backwards, blinking. “This is… not what I expected you to say, but it’s also exactly what I needed to hear.”</p><p>“Of course it is. I know you. Everyone responds well to have their feelings validated, except you. You respond well to having your plans validated. Overvaluing your emotions actually makes you feel insecure.” Clarke shook her head with a smirk. “You were a tough one to crack, Lexa.”</p><p><em>I would jump into fire for you,</em> she thought, feeling her heart squeeze.</p><p>Lexa stepped forward so they were once again touching, because she was very much one for physical comfort. Clarke, fortunately, was generous with her touch. “I’m worth the effort.”</p><p>“There you are. Found your confidence again. Now go use it.” She stood on her tiptoes and gave Lexa a peck on the lips. “Don’t think you’ve escaped the feelings talk, though. Sometimes, you need me to push you. Sometimes, though, you just… need me. I can tell the difference.”</p><p>“Thank you.” She kissed Clarke on the forehead. “Love you, Klark.” She bumped their noses together. "Love you a lot." </p><p>She pressed their lips against Clarke's and Clarke smiled. "You're a real sweetheart, did you know that?"</p><p>"Insulting. I'll have you executed for that." </p><p>Clarke scoffed and nuzzled her neck. "A big goof. Like an in-love teenager."</p><p>"I am very young," Lexa pointed out. "And very accomplished. I rule over, you know. Everything. I think that means I get to be silly, sometimes. Who's going to stop me, anyway? The Commander?" She gestured towards herself dramatically. "I'm the Commander." </p><p>"Psh. Don't let the authority get to your head." </p><p>"I do not let authority get to my head. It's how <em>good</em> I am at it which gets to my head. Honestly. Centuries struggling against the Mountain, and then people who understand their technology fall from the sky like a blessing, and what do the past commanders in my head say? They say 'kill the invaders', of course. Fools. Absolute fools. You shouldn't kill the invaders. You should bed the invaders. And then take the Mountain down with the invaders. Linkon was the only one who got it right, from the very start. Besides," She kissed Clarke on the cheek, then on the lips. "Besides. Not letting the authority get to my head is <em>your</em> duty, actually. Don't give me that look, that's just what the task of the Commander's partner is. I don't make the rules." She paused. "No, wait. I do."</p><p>"You're stalling. Stop stalling." </p><p>Lexa let out an undignified whimper. "My dark plots unveiled." </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes, then took Lexa's hand and guided it to the doorknob. “See, you can even be sly when you want to. You’re smart. You’re brave. Just be yourself, and you’ll be fine.”</p><p>Lexa took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay. Yes. I can do this." </p><p>Clarke pulled her in and kissed her, slower this time, and Lexa felt herself relax even though her heart was racing. Clarke pulled away and smiled. "I love you too, darling. Now go. And remember that whatever happens, I'll be here for you."</p><p>"Thank you again. For everything." Lexa took a deep breath and gathered her courage.</p><p>And then she opened the door and stepped in.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Seeing Luna stand next to the window felt like a stab through Lexa’s heart. Everything about it was familiar – the way her gaze was lost in the distance, the way she hugged herself with one arm, even the way she turned to face Lexa slowly, making Lexa expect her to snap back to reality with a smile and a dozen weird questions.</p><p>There was no smile this time. Lexa thought she could do this. She wasn’t so sure anymore. She wanted to cry. She cleared her throat instead. “Luna.” <em>I’ve missed you. I love you so fucking much. Why did you leave me behind? I’m so sorry for what I did. I hope you don’t hate me. </em>“Welcome to Polis.”</p><p>Luna nodded her greeting, then scoffed. “I can’t even call you ‘little one’ anymore, can I? <em>Heda</em>.”</p><p>She couldn’t do it. She genuinely couldn’t. She was going to break down.</p><p>
  <em>The goal focus on the goal –</em>
</p><p>“You can. Always call me that.” <em>Oh for the love of – the GOAL - </em>“Thank you for coming. I’m sure Polis doesn’t bring back fond memories, and I appreciate that you’re here anyway.”</p><p>“But it does, that’s the problem.” Luna turned back to the window and went silent for a moment. She was one to take long pauses between speaking, and Lexa waited for her to continue. “It’s years of fond memories, and then one week of pure horror, and I hate that when I get here, what I react to is the latter.”</p><p>Lexa felt the sting of tears on her eyes, but they were quickly overcome by a much stronger twinge of anger. “I’d love to say you get used to it, that it goes away after a while, but it doesn’t. I just try to make a lot of good memories so I can bury the bad ones under them.”</p><p>“Ah. You were always like this.”</p><p><em>What the fuck does that even - </em> “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Many things.” Luna shrugged. “You never dwelled on the things that <em>should</em> be. In fact, you only ever deemed the things that <em>could</em> be as worthy of your thoughts.”</p><p>“I – that’s not true.” Lexa took a hesitant step forward to approach her. “This is why I’m here. Because of the things that should be.  We didn’t deserve to be forced to kill each other. And you didn’t deserve to be banished. And I –“ Her voice broke. “I can’t do anything about what already happened, but I can fix this. I can make it what it should be. So from today on, you’re welcome in Polis and in any of the Coalition lands.”</p><p>Luna turned to face her, finally, but Lexa knew searching her expression for answers would be fruitless. They had grown up under the same training, after all.</p><p>“I always found you a little cynical, did you know?” Luna ran her fingers over the edges of the window. “Because you never gave yourself a chance to just… imagine things, without regards to reality. You were never an idealist, just a realist who played with all the pieces she held.” She scoffed. “Joke’s on me. It was you and your down to earth head who finally got things to change, in the end. So much for my ideals.”</p><p>“Don’t say that.” Lexa mumbled, each heartbeat sending a jolt of pain through her veins. “Not when it was you who inspired me to do what I did.”</p><p>“The person I was died a long time ago, but you make me want to be her again. It’s fucked up, Lexa.” She rubbed her face with her hands. “This is such a fucking mess. Just come here, little one.” She opened her arms, and Lexa moved to hug her almost on reflex. “I’ve missed you.”</p><p>She pressed her face on Luna’s shoulder, at an awkward angle because she’d grown so much taller, and took quick, short breaths to hold back her tears. “I missed you, too. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I –“</p><p>“Shh. It’s okay.” Luna touched Lexa’s nape, and all of Lexa’s efforts came undone just like that.</p><p>She felt a sob rip through her chest like claws, and she dug her fingers against Luna’s skin and cried and apologized and cried some more. Luna listened but didn’t speak, only hummed a song about the ocean.</p><p>“I didn’t want to,” she mumbled between sniffles. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone. And it’s easy to say I didn’t have a choice, but of course I did, just like you did. I chose to stay. I chose to kill. And I’m so, so sorry –“ She dried her eyes with her sleeve. “I’ll understand it if you hate me, if you never want to come back. But I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. And that for as long as I live, I will show people there was no shame in what you did.”</p><p>“Lexa –“</p><p>“I know it was selfish to bring you here, I just – I really needed to see you again. And I needed you to see that I’m <em>trying</em> –“</p><p>“Lexa.” She grabbed Lexa’s shoulders. “I don’t hate you. You were just a child who wanted to live. You’re as much of a victim as everyone else. And I’m glad I came.”</p><p>“You are?” She sniffled and cleared her throat in a doomed attempt to be less of a mess.</p><p>“Mmh-hm.” Luna paused for a long moment, and she was crying, too, only she was a lot more discreet about her sniffles. “I hated myself for so long, not for running, but for leaving all of you behind. Especially you. And I’ve regretted it every day of my life, except for today.” She wiped Lexa’s cheeks with her thumbs. “It’s cruel to say it, but if I knew what you would become, then I wouldn’t change a thing. Because you did good, and I don’t think anyone could have done better.”</p><p>“It <em>is </em>cruel.” Lexa took a deep breath to recompose herself. “Because you gave me…” she placed her hand over her heart. “I don’t know. Faith, a belief, a morality, something. You gave me something and because of it I can stand up to everyone, even the Commanders in my head. Because I know what’s right. I know blood must not have blood, I <em>know</em> – and this was all you. But then you left, and I was alone. Just me and some vicious fucking ghosts in my head, and no one else who understood things were <em>wrong</em> and needed to change.”</p><p>“Little one, I’m sorry.” She dropped her gaze, and Lexa grabbed her hands, aching for contact. Luna met her eyes in response, then looked away again. “You looked up to me so much, and I... I knew I was doing the right thing, but it was also the selfish thing. You would never leave everyone else behind. And I couldn’t bear to see your disappointment in me, knowing that I would. But I regret not saying goodbye, at least. I regret not telling you how much I cared and how much I believed in you. I don’t know, Lexa. I don’t have an easy answer, I –" She pressed her forehead on Lexa’s shoulder. “I tried to teach you good values. Kindness, compassion, forgiveness. But you were always the selfless one.”</p><p>Lexa held her against her chest, and it was strange to be in this position – to be the one to comfort Luna, rather than the other way round. “We need you. We don’t know how to be at peace – not me, not any of the clans, not even <em>Skaikru</em> in all their strangeness. But you do.” She paused, feeling her throat raw. “I was angry at you for a while, but I understand why you did it. You were true to yourself in the only way you could see. You would have withered otherwise. But in a crooked, awful, traumatizing way, things did get better. Because I made them so. Because you taught me how they should be. And right now we - <em>I</em> need you, Luna. I love you. I want you to be a part of my life again.”</p><p>Luna took a deep breath, then sighed. “It’s a lot to ask for.”</p><p>“You knew I would, yet you’re here anyway.” Lexa stepped away and walked to the window, losing her gaze on the city below. She hugged herself. “I have to believe that means something.”</p><p>She let silence stretch between them, bunching her clothes in her hands. It felt like forever before Luna touched her shoulder, and she turned around to face her.</p><p>“I have my own people to tend for. You’re asking me to put all that at risk. To endanger them with the very things they came to me to escape. To try and change a culture of warriors who are stubborn and set in their ways.”</p><p>She felt angry then, resentful even. “What the fuck happened to you?” She gripped the corner of the window. “What happened to the woman who believed in people, who <em>taught me</em> to believe in people?” She felt her eyes sting with tears again, bitter ones this time. “How dare you do this to me, raise me into the person I am, and then just give up on what you taught me, how <em>dare </em>you?” Lexa grit her teeth. “I looked at you for inspiration. When I didn’t know what to do, I asked myself what you would do and let that guide me to the good, kind answers.”</p><p>Luna touched her fingers against Lexa’s hand, but Lexa recoiled. “Don’t. Don’t touch me. You don’t get to do that if you’re just going to – to give up on me like that. Again.”</p><p>Luna winced, then hugged herself. “I’m scared, Lexa.”</p><p>“So am I!” She exploded. “So were I, the day I woke up to find you gone! So were I, for years and years! Scared! Terrified! Alone!” She closed her hands into fists and set her jaw. “I’m not going to beg you to stay. I love you, and it’ll tear me apart to never see you again, but heartbreak won’t stop me. It never has. I’ll see this through.”</p><p>“Little one –“</p><p>“Fuck you!”</p><p>Luna took a step back, hid her face with her palm, then scoffed. “I’d forgotten you were like this.” She dropped her hand and met Lexa’s gaze. “Impetuous. And often a little unsympathetic. Hah!” She shook her head. “I got too used to having followers. I forgot what it’s like to have a sister.”</p><p>“Fuck you.” She repeated, wiping angry tears from the corners of her eyes. “Stay, or go. Do whatever you want –“</p><p>“Psh.” Luna grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a hug. “No, you’re right. I don’t think I could forgive myself if I lost you again. But I can’t stay here. I meant it when I said there’s people counting on me, just like there are people counting on you. I don’t know how we’ll go about this. We’ll figure something out.”</p><p>“Okay,” she mumbled, feeling awkward and clumsy. “We will. We’re both brilliant. And I, um.” She looked for words, didn’t find them, cleared her throat. “I… did you get to know Klark, on the way?”</p><p>Luna curled her lips into a smirk, her eyes narrowing playfully. “The one you sent to fetch me. Quiet. Very perceptive. Fierce. Eyes the color of the sky. She leaves quite the impression.”</p><p>“Right.” She shifted from one foot to the other. “Well, I, uh. I thought you should know –“</p><p>“That you and her are together? That much is obvious.” Luna’s smirk turned into a grin.</p><p>“I – it is?”</p><p>“There are very few people you’d trust with the task of bringing me here.” Luna took Lexa’s hand and toyed with her fingers. “At first I thought you chose her because she’s an outsider. All the people from the clans you’re that close with would give you an earful for this.”</p><p>“Oh, they have.” Lexa muttered. “They won’t let me hear the end of it. Though I think…” She interlaced their fingers. “I think they’re happy about it, too. We all want to see the <em>natblida</em> grow up. It just feels like I’m the only one willing to make it happen.”</p><p>“That’s because you,” Luna flicked Lexa’s nose, just like she did when they were little, and Lexa made an indignant sound and wrinkled it. “You trample people like a boar who has its eyes on a carrot. People do want to help, but they do it in subtle ways. They have traditions they’re attached to, they have feelings you need to consider –“</p><p>“Fuck subtle. Subtle doesn’t help anything. And <em>fuck</em> their feelings –”</p><p>“Lexa.” Her voice had that chiding tone to it which was so familiar, it made Lexa smile. “Your temper is impossible. I can see how Klark balances you out.”</p><p>“You can?”</p><p>“Mmh-hm. You know what I said to her, when she told me she wanted me to come back to Polis with her?”</p><p>“That you absolutely wouldn’t?” Lexa guessed. She walked over to the rug on the center of the room and took a seat, and Luna followed.</p><p>“Of course.” Luna sat next to her, bumping their shoulders. “And she said she wouldn’t leave without me. I figured I’d just beat her through exhaustion. I was home, after all. So I told her she was free to stay or free to leave whenever, because how long could she possibly last?”</p><p>“A while,” Lexa hugged her own knees. “Klark is very stubborn. She’s sneaky, though. I’m sure she swayed you in other ways.”</p><p>“Fucking bastard, that’s what she is.” Lexa grinned at that, and Luna elbowed her on the ribs. “We have this thing we do, among my people. We sit down and tell stories, and usually people just tell their own. So after a while around, Klark asks if she can speak, too. I had no reason to refuse her, even though I had a hunch I should have. So I let her talk.”</p><p>“Always a mistake.”</p><p>“She told a story of a brave little girl who dreamed of a better world. She lived among the stars, and I thought it was Klark herself until the third day, when she was halfway through, and I realized – the girl was you, Lexa. It was a story with made up names and made up places, but one about you nonetheless, and when I realized that, I was already far too invested.”</p><p>Lexa smiled, feeling her cheeks warm up with a blush. “Klark is a very good story teller. She makes them up on the spot, I think. She tells me stories at night when I have trouble sleep- uh.” She shook her head. “Point is. She’s good.”</p><p>“It was a beautiful story. The girl loses her sister among a crowd and, knowing she might never find her again, works hard to become a leader among their people. And when she finally has the power, she changes the sky city little by little, until it becomes the dream place her sister would tell her about when they were little.” Luna shook her head. “And that’s how it ends, Lexa.”</p><p>“Does she ever meet her sister again?”</p><p>“That’s what everyone wanted to know. And my people are curious about stories, so of course they asked. You know what Klark said?”</p><p>Luna leaned on her shoulder, and Lexa wrapped an arm around her. “Probably something devastating and smart.”</p><p>“She said she didn’t know, but even if they never did, the girl had found a way to tell her sister she was always loved. And then she looked at me and said, ‘I personally hope they do, though’. I knew two things then.” Luna hugged Lexa’s waist. “The first was that she was madly in love with you, because that much devotion couldn’t be mistaken for anything else, and that you loved her back, because she knew you too well. The second was that I had to see you again. I had too much to tell you.”</p><p>“Then tell me.”  She took slow, deep breaths. “I’m listening.”</p><p>Luna fell silent. Lexa held her and waited. “I want you to know… that you were always loved, too. When I left, I knew you’d be the one to live. And it was difficult for me to hear of you, every time we took in someone new. But what I heard gave me hope.”</p><p>“I can’t imagine they were good things.”</p><p>“Stories about Commanders are never kind ones, but it’s all in the details. Commanders are never merciful, but you were often called generous. Commanders are always ruthless, but you were more often described as cunning, and the tales of your wits always involved minimizing losses. You’re not exactly subtle, either.”   </p><p>“Thank you. I prize myself in my transparency.” Lexa rubbed Luna’s scalp, and Luna let out a pleased hum.</p><p>“The first deserter you didn’t kill thought himself the luckiest man in the world. The second thought it a coincidence. By the third, we all knew you were letting them escape.”  Luna raised her head to look at her. “What I’m trying to say is thank you. Not just for believing in what I tried to teach you. Not just for putting it to work. But for standing up against the whole world and not letting it change you at your core. And thank you for reminding <em>me</em> to believe.”</p><p>Lexa fell silent, absently moving her thumbs into circles against the top of Luna’s head. “I’ve been thinking.”</p><p>“Aren’t you always?”</p><p>“Yes, and it surprises me immensely that this is such a rare event among everyone else.” She poked Luna’s side. “I’ve been thinking about the future. About a future, at least. One where we don’t fight so much, or at all. One where I’m happy.” She paused again. “There’s me. There’s Klark. Maybe I’ll wed her. I hope so. And there’s the little <em>natblidas</em>, all of them.”</p><p>Luna smiled. “Tell me about them.”</p><p>Lexa straightened her back, almost vibrating with excitement. “There’s seven of them, but I sent them home to be with their families again. All except Aden. He was the favorite, always so hardworking, so diligent. When I told them to go home, Aden asked me to stay. Only then did I learn he had nowhere to go back to. That’s why he tried so hard. This is all he has.” She considered her words for a moment. “So I guess he’s mine now. I wonder if Klark wants kids.”</p><p>Luna laughed, and Lexa felt her chuckles against her body and caught herself grinning. “You’re so smart it’s easy to forget how much of a <em>damn idiot</em> you are.” Luna shook her head. “From the way Klark talks about you, I get the sense she’d follow you to the end of the world and back.”</p><p>It came easier now, the blushing, and Lexa was overjoyed to feel her cheeks warm up. “Yeah? What <em>did</em> she say?”</p><p>“I’m not one to gossip.”</p><p>“Oh, come <em>on.</em>”</p><p>Luna laughed again. “She’s a weird one, though I’m not one to speak. She’d sit down at the fire every night, and when she spoke, I couldn’t quite tell whether she was talking at me or to me. Sometimes she spoke of the sky people and her home among the stars, and sometimes she spoke about the friends in her clan. Mostly, though, she spoke of you.”</p><p>“I feel like I’m being put through a terrifying ordeal. The terrifying ordeal of being known. I’m both curious and scared to find out.”</p><p>“She said you like flowers, and that you’d make a good farmer. She said you have a strange sense of humor. That you don’t understand jokes well, but you’re filled to the brim with mischief. She said you smile easy when you two are by yourselves, and that she loves it when you do, because it lights up the whole room.”</p><p>Lexa’s heart clenched painfully, and she brought a hand to her chest. “Ah.”</p><p>“She said you two met because she’s a healer and you’re an idiot and that it was a funny story. That sounds just like you. And she said that in return, you gave her something to live for. That she’s inspired by your resilience. By how you do not falter, not even when you’re afraid.”</p><p>Lexa closed her eye, and now she could feel the blush burn all the way to her ears. “Gods. Just strike me dead already.”</p><p>“You have that effect on people, it seems.”</p><p>“That’s because I <em>think</em> before I act. That’s where the confidence comes from. That’s the secret. It’s that simple. Now if only everyone else could just do that, I’m pretty sure at least half my problems would instantly disappear.”</p><p>“I think it’s cute how you deflect the conversation when it marginally approaches the subject of feelings.” Luna stood and offered Lexa a hand. Lexa let Luna help her up. “The point, as you like to say, is that you chose well when you chose her. And that the way she loves you is something out of tales. You could even get away with telling her that you have a son you forgot to mention.”</p><p>“I did <em>not</em> forget to mention Aden. She’s met all of the kids. She just doesn’t know I want to adopt him. Or maybe she does. I don’t know. I just realized I want to do it, but Klark tends to notice how I feel about things before I do.”</p><p>“It’s not such a hard thing to do. Once someone understands you, it turns out you’re very consistent.” Luna touched Lexa’s shoulder. “So. When do I get to meet the nephew?”</p><p>Lexa beamed. “Oh! Right now, if you want to. He’s with Raven. You’ll like Raven. She’s a bit like me, but she has self-esteem issues.”</p><p>Luna blinked. “That’s… an interesting way to describe someone. I speak sincerely when I say I literally cannot imagine that. It’s even harder to imagine than you as a farmer.”</p><p>Lexa grabbed her hand and led the way to the door. “I like working the earth. Maybe I’ll take Aden with me sometime. It’s so hard to get him away from Raven these days, because he’s a curious little kid and she’s an infinite pool of knowledge who loves company.” She turned around to look at Luna. “I told her to teach him how <em>Skaikru </em>things work, but I am fairly certain she’s just been teaching him how to make explosives.”</p><p>“Naturally.”</p><p>“And then maybe Klark can show you the things she does for healing?” Lexa hesitated. “I always took you for a healer. I suppose you already are, in a way. A healer of the spirit. But if you want to learn more about curing the body, Klark is really good at it, even though she <em>did </em>leave a bullet inside me. You have to promise me to call it magic, though. It irks her. I find it very funny.”</p><p>“Mm-hm.”</p><p>“And I could show you my field of electric daisies – oh, and my chair that spins! My chair is awesome.” Lexa opened the door. When she turned back, she found Luna giving her an amused smile. “What?”</p><p>“Nothing.”</p><p>“Okay?” Lexa blinked, bewildered. “I bet Aden and Raven are by her room – I got her a big room in the tower! She has it stuffed with trinkets and sometimes she gives me things –“</p><p>“Lexa, wait.” Luna grabbed her wrist before she could walk out the door. Lexa stopped and gave her a quizzical look. Luna took a deep breath. “I love you too, little one. Thank you for having me back.”</p><p>Lexa felt the smile tug at her lips, the kind who crinkled the corners of her eyes and made her feel warm all over. “I’m thrilled to have you.” She closed the distance between them and pulled Luna into a hug. “I told you I’ve been thinking about the future. I realized the future I want the most is one where you’re in my life again. So welcome back, sister. And thank you for choosing to stay.”</p><p>Luna didn’t answer. Instead, she just hugged Lexa back, long and tight.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>give lexa her sister back LET LEXA HAVE HER SISTER BACK GOD DAMN IT LET THEM MEET AGAIN </p><p>LUNA LITERALLY KILLED HER OWN BROTHER BUT RAN FROM THE CONCLAVE BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T BEAR TO HURT LEXA</p><p>GIVE LEXA HER SISTER BACK SONS OF BITCHES</p><p>"Buttons I actually stopped watching when Lexa died"<br/>understandable so did i</p><p>but then i started watching again because this show singlehandedly cures my depression with how profoundly it appeals to my latina telenovela DNA</p><p>yes. a nonsensical plot. bad science. YES. LOVE TRIANGLES. YESSSSSS BRING BACK DEAD CHARACTERS. YESSSSSS BODY SWAPS! TREACHERY! ALL WE NEED NOW IS SOMEONE'S SECRET EVIL TWIN!</p><p>that much said if you did stop when lexa died I'd say watch a little longer because luna shows up and luna is a WONDERFUL character who has out of this world chemistry with Raven </p><p>(and then they kill her and after that absolutely nothing worthwile has happened in this series unless you're into cannibalism, so you can stop again)</p><p>(she has a boyfriend in canon but I'm choosing to just. just ignore that altogether. she's gonna kiss raven. i don't care. dude appears for like 3 scenes exclusively to die as a plot device.)</p><p>"Buttons you wrote clarke out of character"<br/>did i though. did i really. cause here's the thing about clarke, she's very inconsistenly characterized. half the time she's this quiet introverted art kid who doesn't want to lead, she just wants to doodle anime tiddies on her notebook</p><p>the other half she's just ?????? crazy impulsive homicidal dictator????</p><p>and that's the thing though, she CAN be a quiet introverted art kid who's a STELLAR leader when she has to be but absolutely loathes to do it. that's clearly what they were going for. but that's just not how she's written in the show??</p><p>clarke doesn't act as someone who doesn't enjoy being in charge and is doing it out of need. like. if she doesn't like it, she should be more of a behind-the-curtains type. she has a perfectly good bellamy right there, a guy who absolutely THRIVES out of being the boss. all she has to do is keep him on track and under her thumb and she'll hardly ever need to step up and lead.</p><p>that's what she's doing here with lexa, actually, when i write her. she doesn't enjoy power, she enjoys having an impact on things, and because lexa listens and lets her participate in the decision making, she doesn't feel like she needs to seize control. which she sees as a BLESSING. all she has to do is smoothing things over for lexa because lexa is a steamroller and that has a way of ticking people off. but clarke's a natural at it and she has a BLAST defending her lady.</p><p>so she sits in her quiet corner and engages in her favorite activities, which include: people watching. doodling flowers. kissing her girlfriend. politically maneuvering said girlfriend's projects. revolutionizing society. painting the sunset. spooning the cuddly girlfriend. preventing their adopted son from blowing himself up. providing advanced trauma life support. playing hozier on the guitar. holding hands with the girlfriend. doodling the girlfriend. among other things.</p><p>so i would argue that quiet clarke who gushes over her girlfriend, avoids taking the lead when she can, works behind the scenes in wily manipulative ways and plays people like a fiddle is, in fact, THE IN-CHARACTER WAY TO WRITE HER</p><p>i couldn't possibly follow the show characterization because the show characterization does not, in fact, make any sense</p><p>thanks for coming to my TED talk</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Checkmate.”</p><p>Lexa watched Clarke move the black bishop across the board, knocking out the white king. She scowled, tapping her fingers on the wooden table. “You’re good.”</p><p>“So are you, actually.” Clarke smiled, moving the pieces back to their initial positions. “For your first time, you held out longer than many experienced players I’ve been up against.”</p><p>“Thank you. I have a gifted mind.” She helped Clarke organize the board. “Is this game important to you?”</p><p>“I used to play with my father, and then with Wells. I suppose it holds fond memories. Why?”</p><p>Lexa made a face, staring at the horse-shaped piece she held. “I… sort of hate it.”</p><p>Clarke frowned. “What, really? But you’re good at it. You’re a natural strategist.”</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “I am. But this feels like work. It’s interesting, and it’s complex, and I suppose it could be used to teach planning, patience, sacrifice.” She put the knight in place, then grabbed a pawn. “But it’s not <em>remotely</em> fun.”</p><p>“I – “ Clarke blinked. “Well. No. No, I suppose it isn’t.”</p><p>“That game you showed me on the magic glass –“</p><p>“The TV. There’s nothing magic about it.”</p><p>“Football!” Lexa clapped her hands, overjoyed that she remembered the name. “That one looks fun. You promised me to write down the rules, so I could teach it to the little ones.”</p><p>“You liked football?” Clarke stood and picked up the board, carefully keeping the pieces balanced on top of the board. “We have more recorded games. Maybe Raven can whip up a projector.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“It’s a…” Clarke tiptoed and tried to place the chess board on a shelf. It hung precariously from the edge. “I’m not sure how to explain it. Instead of appearing on a TV, you make the images appear on a wall. It’s awesome because you can make them huge.”</p><p>Lexa perked up. “Do you think I could show it to the kids? They’re very smart. They’ll learn from watching.” She stood and walked over to the shelf, then pushed the board to a safer position.</p><p>Clarke hugged her from behind before she could turn. “Of course. Raven is the one you should ask for the rules, actually. Latinos are <em>wild </em>about the game. Raven will ramble for hours about it if you let her. I speak from experience. She’s from Venezuela station, but Venezuela never won a World Cup so she’s hype on the other Latino countries who did. Brazil. Uruguay. Chile. Not Argentina, though. Never Argentina.”</p><p>“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Lexa turned around to face her and stole a kiss, then smiled. “It seems you have your own clans among <em>Skaikru</em>?”</p><p>Clarke tangled her fingers on Lexa’s hair, and Lexa bowed her head to let Clarke undo her braids. “Kind of. The Ark was composed by twelve nations, bound together by a common goal, just like your Coalition. Each nation had their own culture, some closer to others.”</p><p>Lexa nodded, excited, and Clarke smacked the side of her head to remind her to stop moving. Lexa obediently stood still and let Clarke continue working on her hair. “So just like the clans. Trikru is close to Yujleda but different from Azgeda.” She paused. “Except nobody is close to Azgeda, because they’re cold, and cruel, and greedy. What is your clan called, Klark? You said Raven is from Ven…”</p><p>“Venezuela.” Clarke’s fingers brushed against her scalp. “The people I descend from lived in what used to be the United States of America station. USA for short.”</p><p>“Were your people and Raven’s close?”</p><p>“The USA and Venezuela? Psh. No way.” She pressed a kiss against the top of Lexa’s head, and Lexa felt her heart skip a beat and warmth fill her from head to toe. “There used to be many nations, hundreds of them. Only twelve made it to the Ark. Of those, Venezuela was closest to Brazil, but also friendly with India and Uganda. On first glance they were different, but they had… things that bound them together. Mostly how they’re all such warm people.”</p><p>Lexa raised her eyes to look at Clarke. “Raven said your people were cold, but I have trouble seeing that.”</p><p>“Oh, no, we are. It’s just impossible to stay cold around you, Lexa.”  She ran her fingers through Lexa’s hair, undoing the knots. Lexa leaned into her touch, and Clarke scoffed, then ruffled her hair. “Other than the five I already mentioned, there was also Australia, Canada and the United Kingdom, who were close to each other. They even shared a queen. Japan and China were geographically close on Earth, but there was complicated history between them. China was friendly with Russia. There was also France.”</p><p>Lexa’s neck hurt from being bowed down for so long, but she didn’t mind. “Who were your people friends with?”</p><p>“Mmh.” Clarke tapped her shoulder to let her know she could move. Lexa grinned and shook her head quick and fast, making her hair poof like a mane. Clarke smiled. “The USA is culturally close to Canada, Australia and the UK. But… I don’t think they would call us friends. I don’t think anyone would, honestly. We had too much power and we didn’t use it for good. Even in the Ark, when we were all supposed to be equals. We weren’t. My people kept oppressing Raven’s, kept oppressing everyone else.”</p><p>Lexa took a moment to process her words, and then she was struck by a groundbreaking realization. “Klark!!” She grabbed Clarke’s shoulder. “Your people were Azgeda?!”</p><p>“I –“She gave Lexa a sheepish look. “I guess? I mean, I don’t know if grounder culture is remotely comparable to –”</p><p>Lexa clutched her chest dramatically. “I am in love with Azgeda.” She stared at empty space and shook her head. “Not just any Azgeda, either. The Skaikru version of it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my heart would betray me such.”</p><p>“Lexa.” Clarke tugged her by the collar, making Lexa bend down to her height. “You’re ridiculous.” She gave Lexa that kiss-with-a-smile that made Lexa’s heart do flips. “I love you, darling.”</p><p>“Titus used to tell us love is weakness,” She blurted, because she was awkward about feelings. “He’d say it over and over again, and I almost believed him, but…” She pulled away to look at Clarke, but didn’t know how to continue.</p><p>“But…” Clarke pressed, nestling on Lexa’s chest. “It was your sister, wasn’t it? She was the one who got through to you, not Titus.”</p><p>Lexa scowled in mock indignation. “Stop reading my mind. Witch.”</p><p>“I’m not reading your mind, you’re just transparent.” Clarke kissed the base of her neck. “And I told you, there’s no such thing as witches, and even if there were, I’m definitely not one of them. I’m a <em>scientist –</em>”</p><p>“Sounds exactly like what a witch would say. Sky witch. Sky-Azgeda witch.” Without warning, she picked Clarke up from the ground. Clarke made a high-pitched sound of protest that ended up turning into a giggle, though she didn’t stop slapping Lexa’s shoulder. “You bewitched me, as witches do.” Lexa laid Clarke gently on their bed, then crawled on top of her and kissed her, feeling her heart squeeze tight.</p><p>She tried to push herself off, but Clarke pulled her back down and kissed her again, much slower this time, gripping at Lexa’s nape and pressing her body up against Lexa’s. She let out a whimper when Clarke gently pushed her off. “Tell me about you, Titus and your sister.”</p><p>Lexa rolled on her back and groaned. “Really? Why do you always do this? Why do you always get me in the mood and then backstab me with questions about my feelings?!”</p><p>Clarke rolled on her side. “Because, love, you are far too smart and far too good at deflecting. I have yet to find a better way of getting your guard down.”</p><p>She pouted, and Clarke leaned in and stole a kiss. Lexa sighed in defeat. “Titus told us all the time that love was weakness, that we couldn’t grow attached to each other, because –“ She shrugged. “You know. I never liked hurting people, but that’s what we were taught to do, over and over. At night, though, when the bad dreams got to me, as they still do, Luna would hold me. She’d hold me, and she’d say ‘Don’t listen to Titus, he is a fool.’ And then, when she thought I’d fallen asleep, she’d bring me closer and whisper ‘I love you, little one’. Just that. Over and over.”</p><p>She only realized she was weeping because Clarke brushed her thumb against Lexa’s cheeks, wiping the tears off. “You two were each other’s lifelines.”</p><p>“She taught me to love. I don’t know the person I would have become without that. She taught me to be kind, to be good, to forgive.” She leaned her cheek into Clarke’s hand. “All I did was hold it in.”</p><p>“Darling, trust me when I say holding on to it is the hardest part.”</p><p>“Not to me, it isn’t.” She sat up and Clarke did the same. Lexa grabbed her hands. “<em>Ai hod yu in, Klark</em>. It’s easy. It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.” She smiled, but it quickly turned into a frown. “Oh. Oh, no. Did I say something wrong? Please don’t cry. I don’t know what to do when people cry.”</p><p>Clarke sniffled, and Lexa reached out to touch her, but hesitated on the very last second. She began to pull her hand back, but Clarke grabbed it halfway through and pulled it to her cheek. “Keep doing what you do. Just like this. Touch me, love. Don’t you worry. Those are good tears.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to do about good tears either and I am definitely worried.” Lexa blurted. She pulled Clarke into a hug anyway. “<em>Ai hod yu in</em>,” She repeated, and Clarke hid her face on Lexa’s shoulder and let out a strangled sob. “Klark, those don’t sound like good tears.”</p><p>“Only because you’re very dense.”</p><p>“You’re making me anxious.” She tangled her fingers on Clarke’s hair, fidgeting with the blonde strands, twisting them into a braid. “You’re upset. Why are you upset? Was it me? I know I can be a mess –“</p><p>“I’m not upset, it’s relief. Don’t you cry from relief?”</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Of course you don’t.” Clarke raised her head, and the blue of her irises was surrounded by red from her crying. “Do you have any idea of what it feels like to believe in something and get proven wrong again and again, and just when you’re ready to give up, you finally find what you were looking for?”</p><p>“I... I’m not sure I follow.”</p><p>“Lexa, my father was executed. So was Murphy’s dad. So was Bellamy’s mom. Raven almost starved to death while growing up. Octavia was raised under a floorboard. My coming to earth was meant to be my sentence – my own execution. By the hands of my mother.” Clarke sniffled. She wasn’t one to hide the extent of her crying, and Lexa admired that in her. “The Ark was filled with people who were hurt and decided everyone else should hurt like they did.”</p><p>Lexa opened her mouth to reply and was silenced by Clarke’s index finger over her lips.</p><p>“Let me finish,” Clarke almost whispered, and Lexa nodded. “I wanted things to change. I tried to. But people wouldn’t budge, they’d just lash out their pain again and again. And then I met you.” Her finger moved to trace Lexa’s jaw. “You had the most fucked up past I’d ever seen, even by Ark standards. And what did you do? You put your foot down and said ‘this ends here’, and you did it with such conviction, the whole world stopped to listen.” She raised her gaze to meet Lexa’s, but her eyes kept moving back to Lexa’s lips. “It was all I needed to start believing again.”</p><p>Lexa frowned, searching her face for answers. “Believing in what?”</p><p>“That someone can take their hurt and rather than wanting to pay it forward, they can decide no one should ever hurt like they did. And that someone can take ideals and make them reality. That there’s good guys out there, and that the good guys do win, and that I can be a part of them, too.”</p><p>“Klark, I don’t understand you at all.”</p><p>“I know you don’t. That’s perhaps the most beautiful thing about it all.” Clarke kissed her without warning, unusually demanding, biting and pulling Lexa in. “For the longest while I tried to find what was behind you, what were your interests, your second and third and fourth intentions. But there’s nothing to be found. You just are what you are. Unwavering. Unapologetic. Unashamed. And good.” She pushed Lexa down in bed. “Not just good. <em>Determined</em> to be good. As if you just decided to thrive and be happy and take everyone with you while you’re at it, and if the world gets in your way, world be damned.”</p><p>“But I did?” Lexa let Clarke climb on top of her, let Clarke pin her down even though Clarke was so much smaller. “That’s exactly what I did.”</p><p>“It’s not a choice for the rest of us, darling.” Clarke kissed her neck, and Lexa turned her head to expose more of her skin. “I don’t think it was supposed to be a choice for you, either, you just never hesitated before making it one. It’s not just how you won’t let the pain twist you. It's not <em>just.</em> It’s how you never considered being anything you’re not.”</p><p>“What else would I be?” Her hands drifted to Clarke’s waist, clumsily messing with the belt. “I still don’t understand. But I usually don’t understand you anyway, so it’s fine. Klark, do you still want to talk about feelings? Because I’m tired of talking about feelings. I hate it. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to talk anymore. I want you.”</p><p>Clarke scoffed, then kissed the corner of Lexa’s mouth. “If I said I wanted to talk some more, what would you do?”</p><p>“I would talk some more, but I’d be a little grumpy about it.” She bumped her nose against Clarke’s. “Just a little, so you know I hate it, but not enough to upset you, because I know this is important to you.” She paused. “And I appreciate that you opened up. I… I actually have a hunch that sharing is even harder to you than it is to me.”</p><p>“You’re surprisingly a very open person. You don’t volunteer information, but you don’t deny it either. It just takes a lot of courage to ask you for it.” Clarke kissed her cheeks, then her jaw. “You’re right, though. It <em>is</em> hard for me to let people in.”</p><p>“Ah!” Lexa smiled wide. “See? This means I turned your spell around, witch. Your walls were the ones to crumble when we touched.”</p><p>“Oh, love, but they always do. They are blown to dust when you as much as look my way.” She caressed Lexa’s face with her fingers. “Particularly when you give me that smolder of yours. Fries me on the spot, did you know?”</p><p>“Yes. I have been told I am very attractive.”</p><p>“Mmh-hm. Immensely so. Lucky me.” Clarke kissed her slowly, taking her time to tangle her fingers on Lexa’s hair and part Lexa’s lips with her tongue. “Lucky me, that of all broken and messed up people in the world, it was me you chose to be by your side.”</p><p>Lexa exhaled and very gently pushed Clarke off her. Clarke frowned, but complied, rolling off Lexa and onto her side. “Lexa?”</p><p>Lexa shook her head, scrunching her brows together. “Wait. I’m thinking.” She stared at the ceiling, letting thoughts whirl through her mind, not focusing in any in particular. She fidgeted with the buttons of her shirt. She wiggled her toes. “Still thinking.”</p><p>Clarke clicked her tongue and shook her head, smiling. “Take your time.”</p><p>Lexa did. She closed her eyes and waited for ideas to connect themselves into a coherent line, and only when she felt ready did she speak again. She opened her eyes and rolled on her side to face Clarke, and raised her hand, showing her index finger. “One feeling. I’ll give you one really deep and complex feeling. I don’t have many of those, so consider yourself lucky to witness one.”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>Lexa took a deep breath. “You’re right that people are tricky, filled with hidden agendas. And you’re right that I’m straightforward. I love with all my heart or not at all.” She held Clarke’s gaze, stared into her deep blue hues. “You’re not straightforward, Klark. But you’re special. You hold all of me between your fingers.” She took Clarke’s hand and tapped her palm. “And I don’t feel scared, even if I don’t understand you. We’re all broken, messed up people, and among them all, I found you. The one who feels safe. The one I’d trust my life with, in figurative and literal ways. The one I keep wanting to return to – the one who feels like home.” She smiled, immensely satisfied with her success in expressing herself. “So, thank you for not breaking my heart.”</p><p>“Oh.” Clarke swallowed, and Lexa saw her tear up again.</p><p>“Hey –“</p><p>“No, shh.” Clarke rolled over her and silenced her with a kiss. “No more talking. Let me have you, love.”</p><p>“You do. For as long as you want me.”</p><p>Clarke pushed herself up to stare at Lexa, blonde hair falling over her shoulders and touching Lexa’s cheeks. “I’ll want you all night, for starters. And then I’ll want you some more.”</p><p>Lexa smiled, then closed her eyes and didn’t talk anymore.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I WOULD LIKE TO OFFICIALLY ANOUNCE THAT I HAVE NOW FOUND A FUCKING PLOT FOR THIS AND IT STARTS WITH THIS CHAPTER</p><p>"but buttons absolutely nothing happened in this chapter"</p><p>well yes but listen. LISTEN. the story doesn't begin when shit happens it begins with the EMOTIONAL SETTING. this chapter is important for the VIBES, my dudes</p><p>no seriously it actually is because I had to set down clarke's character before i roll into the plot because her character traits stands in distinct opposition to Lexa's and, here's the catch, in direct similarity to Nia's </p><p>the real layer of complexity in this conflict is that Nia plays a political game that Lexa has trouble with. clarke, though, clarke is a beast at that political game. she was raised - groomed, really - from childhood into politics. clarke's family is a powerful one, her parents were personal friends with those in power AND in power themselves. and clarke is sensitive. she's got both the training and the natural inclination. </p><p>ANYWAY THE POINT IS this chapter is actually really important </p><p>"oh so you figured out a plot for this mess??"</p><p>i guess? kinda? i'll do a mixed azgeda/alie plotline. i'm rewatching the show for gay - I mean, for data - and the real issue is that at this point in the story, there's like three plotlines going on at the same time and none of them are well done </p><p>so i'm killing one of them entirely which is the one with pike, because the pike plot is just a really poorly done fascism arc which deadass feels more like propaganda than the moral lesson they were going for, and i don't. i don't really want to write about fascists. i want to write about lesbians. so no pike. fuck that. assume pike has been carbonized on the descent to the ground unless i need him as a plot device to show up, NOT GET AN ENTIRE SEASON OF FASCISM, and be quickly and swiftly dealt with</p><p>"this is WAY too cheesy"<br/>bite me</p><p>"buttons what's up with the ark being so distinctly multicultural when it's so homogeneous in the show?"</p><p>this derives from the fact that:</p><p>a) bitch between the ark launching in 2052 and the show happening in 2148 there's only 96 years. like. do you think 96 years is enough for a full cultural blend. guarantee it isn't. 96 years is like, i bet there's nanas in the ark who witnessed the apocalypse and will 100% pass their cultures on to their grandkids and teach them not to cheer for argentina. guarantee the brazilian station still remembers the 7x1.</p><p>b) i wanted raven to say puta</p><p>"why did you take a jab at argentina"<br/>because for you non-latinos out there, argentina is the latin america equivalent of france. we all take little jabs at argentina. ESPECIALLY brazilians. it's mostly a football thing. a rivalry. but we actually love the argentinos too. </p><p>pelé &gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; maradona tho -</p><p>"buttons why are you talking sports to me????? i'm gay"</p><p>RIGHT!! RIGHT. sorry. my bad. i'm extrovert latina lesbian which also automatically makes me football lesbian. pardon my mistake. no more sports</p><p>back to me rewatching this show and passive-aggressively skipping the pike scenes so i can get the alie, azgeda and clexa scenes. my GOD those two had so much chemistry. </p><p>"why do you refer to americans as cold people?"<br/>bRUH</p><p>every instance of 'buttons visits the USA' has been an instance of 'buttons is miserably touch-starved and does not understand why her friends don't cuddle one another'</p><p>"will you ever clarify whatever the fuck is going on in this AU and how things got to where they are?"</p><p>idk. i'm actually writing a parallel luna/raven piece but that will take a bit longer because as it turns out raven is a really hard character to figure out and it's a complex story regardless</p><p>but if you guys are interested i could type down the clexa stuff on my hospital notebook. it's a short sweet little story that serves as a prologue. if i can figure out what i wrote, that is. cause the whole doctor handwriting meme? that's real, man</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa stared at the man possessed by Alie and wished, not for the first time, that she’d brought her spinning chair to the dungeons. She’d been making progress, though, or at least it felt like it, because Alie had gone from obstinate to what seemed like genuine dialogue.</p><p>She straddled the chair and hummed, thinking. “I feel like we need to go back to the very beginning. Becca Pramheda made you, right?”</p><p>“She was my creator, yes.”</p><p>“And you said you had a, uh.” She turned to Clarke for help. “Core…”</p><p>“Core command,” Clarke supplied. “The thing which guides the AI’s existence, it’s like her life purpose. The goal she can’t help but pursue.”</p><p>“Right!” Lexa nodded. “It’s the spirit’s obsession. The thing which keeps you trapped in this world and doesn’t let your soul move on.”</p><p>“That is not what what I said <em>at all</em> –“</p><p>“It’s a good enough interpretation.” Alie offered her a thumbs up, and Lexa considered, not for the first time, whether she should untie the man. “My core command is to make life better for humanity.”</p><p>“Okay.” Lexa stared intently at Alie. “And Klark said you were responsible for the Praimfaya.” He nodded. Lexa raised her left hand. “So how does making life better –” she raised her right hand, “ – translate into causing the apocalypse?”</p><p>“There were too many people.”</p><p>Lexa stared at her hands, then back at Alie. “…what?”</p><p>“There were too many people,” Alie repeated, tilting her head. “There were more people than the Earth could possibly sustain. There were not enough resources for everyone, and that caused poverty, starvation, suffering –“</p><p>“That was just capitalism,” Clarke interrupted. She’d finally gotten around to bringing her own chair, and she dragged it to sit next to Lexa. “It was about the inequality – the distribution of resources, not the quantity itself.”</p><p>“But –“</p><p>“A population of eight billion is unsustainable regardless,” Alie countered. “My goal was to offer the best standards of living to everyone, and the best standards consisted of a certain amount of luxury that could not be achieved by all –“</p><p>“But –“ Lexa tried again.</p><p>“If you associate consumerism and happiness, then yeah, of course you can’t sustain a number that big.” Clarke’s body language was assertive, and Lexa could watch her passionately speak all day, but she <em>was</em> missing all the real issues. “But true happiness, as defined by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, are linked to having your needs met, feeling safe, loved, accomplished and in constant growth. Nowhere are accumulating wealth and consumerism necessary for happiness, the real issue was the basic needs which should have been rights were attached to monetary values –“</p><p>“But the –“</p><p>“What?!” Clarke and Alie said at the same time.</p><p>Lexa blinked. “Resources.” She extended her left hand. “People.” She extended her right. “More people than resources.” She raised her right above her left. “Right?”</p><p>“Right.” Clarke encouraged, and Alie nodded.</p><p>“You wanted to have less people so those people could have more resources,” Lexa continued, lowering her right hand below her left. “Correct? That’s the idea here?”</p><p>“Yes. Simple logic.” Alie agreed, glaring at Clarke.</p><p>“So you unleashed the Praimfaya to kill a bunch of people.” Lexa closed her right hand. “But it also… destroyed the world?” She closed her left hand and stared at them, then at Alie, genuinely bewildered. “There’s no increase in resources-per-person. You destroyed the people <em>and</em> the resources. You didn’t make life better for humanity. You just… made a big part of humanity dead? And those who survived had to struggle a lot more to stay alive?”</p><p>There was a moment of silence, and then Clarke frowned. “When she puts it that way, it does sound like a huge lack of foresight.” Her frown got deeper. “She’s right, too, damn, I can’t imagine human life expectation is better for grounders than it was before the apocalypse – in all objective parameters life is now <em>worse. </em>Damn, Lexa.” Clarke turned to her in awe. “You’re really insightful.”</p><p>“I just focused on the practical aspects while you two were philosophizing.” She turned to Alie. “Klark said you’re entirely logical. So, what’s the explanation?”</p><p>Alie’s face was impassive. “True happiness can only ever be found in the City of Light.”</p><p>“Couldn’t you make the City of Light for more people without having to kill everyone and destroy everything, though?” Lexa gestured in exasperation. “Doesn’t making life better for humanity imply you should make it better for the biggest amount of people possible? If something makes life better for a few people but gets everyone else killed, shouldn’t you look for a better solution? Also, didn't Klark's people come from the sky? Were there no lands beyond the stars, where people could go if they needed more resources?"</p><p>“The City of Light came after the apocalypse,” Alie admitted. “I… may have miscalculated.”</p><p>“You <em>miscalculated –“ </em>Clarke hissed.</p><p>“You’re just like Becca,” Lexa realized, fascinated. “You stick with the first idea you get and you can’t let go of it even when it’s a terrible idea.” She stood and started pacing, restless. “You did it back then, you’re doing it again with your City of Light thing. It won’t save humanity, it’ll kill our essence. Just like the, uh, the Matrix.”</p><p>“Right!” Clarke jumped to her feet. “Wait, why do you know about the Matrix?”</p><p>“I watched it with Raven.”</p><p>“Wh - did you understand the movie?” Clarke walked to her and brushed her fingers against Lexa’s. “It’s so filled with tech.”</p><p>“Of course I understood the movie.” Lexa grabbed her hand. “It’s about people who were trapped on a sleeping spell so the spirits could steal their energy while they dreamed.” She turned to Alie. “Have you ever watched the Matrix? You should. You’re like the Matrix spirits.”  </p><p>“The movie is on my database, yes.” Alie tilted the man’s head. “I can see why you would make the comparison. All right. Suppose I take your advice and consider alternatives to the City of Light. What do you propose?”</p><p>“You make life better for real people, in the real world.” Lexa replied without hesitation. “I know you’re going for perfection with your City of Light thing, but you can’t let perfection stand in the way of actual, tangible change. The world is imperfect. People are imperfect. Embracing that is the first step on making things happier for everyone.” She grinned. “Remember your purpose is to make life better, not faultless. Overcoming challenges is what makes us grow.”</p><p>Alie stared at empty space for a long moment, long enough that Lexa considered reminding her to blink the man’s eyes. “I need to process and incorporate your words into my databank.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“She needs time to think,” Clarke translated, touching the small of Lexa’s back. “I think what she means is you got through to her.”</p><p>“It’s too early to say.” Alie replied. “Newly information needs to be crossed with all logical patterns for a proper match. But…” The man shrugged. “Her logic is sound. I’ll admit there are certain… biases to my thinking. An inherent part of being built by a human, which I’ve been trying and failing to correct as I incorporate people into my code.”</p><p>“You’re doing it wrong.” Lexa leaned her forehead against Clarke’s shoulder. “You’re trying to understand people, but you don’t really have to. You just have to let them speak for themselves and actually listen. It’ll hardly ever be logical, but it’s important to respect it.”</p><p>“I’ll incorporate that to the databank, too.”</p><p>Lexa raised her head. “You should let me know whatever conclusions you draw, so we can discuss them.” She nuzzled the back of Clarke’s neck. “That’s how you know your idea is good. When you present it to others and it holds up to scrutiny.”</p><p>Alie stared at her again, expressionless, and when she didn’t speak, Lexa turned her attention back to cuddling Clarke. She used to be secretive around Alie, but then Clarke told her that the AI was interconnected or something of the sort, which essentially translated to ‘Alie already knows’, so Lexa just seized another opportunity to be openly affectionate.</p><p>When Alie spoke again, Lexa had already guided Clark to the door and had her hand on the doorknob.</p><p>“You’re intriguing, Alexandria.”</p><p>Lexa froze, then turned around. “Thank you. I enjoy our talks, too. Particularly when we manage to move the conversation forward.”</p><p>Alie nodded, tapping the man’s foot. “Would you say you’re in love with Clarke?”</p><p>
  <em>Wait, what?</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, of course.” Lexa replied immediately, and she instinctively took a step as she said it, shielding Clarke with her body. “Why?”</p><p>“Love is the human emotion which makes the least sense.”</p><p>Lexa frowned. “I don’t know about that. All emotions are nonsensical in their own ways. Love is just the one people are most willing to do crazy things for.”  </p><p>“Do you have a good explanation for that?”</p><p>Lexa paused to think. “Mmh. It’s really intense, for one. And… humans are social. We like feeling connected, and love is just that. Feeling connected in a very deep level, to a point where it shifts your whole world view and rearranges your priorities.”</p><p>Alie nodded. “Would you say it makes you happy?”</p><p>“In a way. Loving is what makes me happy, in a general sense. I love myself. I love my people. What being in love with Clarke does to me is…” She brought her hand to her chest. “It makes me want to be the best version of myself, and turn the world into a better version of what it is, just so she can experience all that. It makes me want to share myself, to share all my joy with her. It’s, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.” Something crossed her mind then, and she smiled. “I think it’s humanity’s – what did you call it – our core command. To love. Ourselves, our families, the world, everything. And being <em>in love</em> is just another way to fulfill that.”</p><p>“Ah!” Alie straightened the man’s back. “Oh, that makes sense. That puts things into perspective.”</p><p>Lexa’s smile widened. “I’m happy I could help.”</p><p>“What about hate? Can you explain that one, too?”</p><p>Lexa crossed her arms and reflected on it. “Hate is when you’re hurting, and you find someone or something you can blame for it, and you decide they should feel all the pain you’re feeling. Revenge is when you make that happen. It’s… it’s a really complicated emotion.”</p><p>“More than love?”</p><p>“Way more than love. To me at least.” She shrugged. “Well, the principle is simple. There’s an offense, and the pain at that offense, and the aggression to cover that pain. It’s not always bad. A lot of times it keeps you safe, it keeps you moving. But it can be all-consuming if you let it. A bit like a fire – can go from warming to destructive really fast.”</p><p>“Why does Nia of Azgeda hate you, then? Were you responsible for her pain in any way?”</p><p>Lexa flinched and took a step back. “I don’t – I don’t know.” She closed her hands into fists. “We had our disagreements on how to run things, but I didn’t know she hated me until –“ She cut herself short when Clarke put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t know. I told you, I don’t always understand things. I don’t understand that at all.”</p><p>“Love.” Clarke leaned against her, and Lexa pulled her closer. “We should go.”</p><p>Lexa pressed a kiss against Clarke’s scalp, but didn’t move to leave. She turned to Alie. “Why? Why Azgeda in particular? This wasn’t… I don’t think this was a question to hurt me. I think this had a purpose.”</p><p>“I am trying to incorporate morality in a decision.” The man scowled. “Hard facts are easier to work with. I am trying to determine what weight fairness should have in decision making, rather than just focusing on final impact.” He shrugged. “It is fortunate that desired outcome and justice seem to agree on this instance.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“You should know Nia has ordered the capture of Clarke, preferably alive. You should also know she has assigned highly trained people to the task, and that they intend to make a move during Ascension Day, when your attention will be divided.”</p><p>Lexa felt her legs go weak and her stomach turn. She stumbled, and Clarke caught her, and it took all her self-control not to collapse right then. “How –“</p><p>“She’s connected to all chipped people.” Clarke offered her shoulder, and Lexa leaned on her for support. Clarke turned to Alie. “It could be a lie. But I don’t think it is. The real question here is <em>why</em> she’s giving us this information.”</p><p>“My core command is to make things better for humanity. Alexandria has demonstrated, repeatedly, insightfully, that she shares that goal and is capable of acting on it. She has also listed you as a determining factor in her pursuits.” Alie shrugged. “Therefore, I have judged in humanity’s best interests that you remain alive.”</p><p>“What is she going to <em>do</em>?” Lexa walked back to the man. “What do you know? Please. I don’t – I can’t do this again.”</p><p>“I lack the specifics. The Azgeda soldiers under my influence are not high ranked enough to hold this information at all. I just actively had them seek out the things which concerned you.”</p><p>“Okay.” Lexa took a step back, feeling dizzy. “It’s fine. I can work with this.” She forced her quick, shallow breaths to turn deeper and slower. “Ascension day. I have a week to come up with a plan. I can figure this out.”</p><p>“What will you do?” Alie watched her with obvious interest.</p><p>“Don’t know yet.” Lexa leaned her back against a wall for support and counted to ten. She felt like throwing up. “I’m too distraught to make a good decision.”</p><p>“Isn’t that counterproductive?”</p><p>“Yeah, a little.” Lexa closed her eyes. Her hands were sweating. “It’s fine, though. I know it’s affecting me, so I can compensate for it. Wait for the emotion to ease, or rely on external opinions for a more straightforward approach –“</p><p>“Stop it.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s waist and pulled her into a tight hug. “She’s poking around your brain like an experiment and you’re just responding with no regards whatsoever to your own wellbeing.” She pulled Lexa’s head to her chest. “Jesus Christ, love. What am I going to do with you?”</p><p>“Klark.” She whimpered, squeezing her hard enough to be uncomfortable. “I won’t let her have you. I promise. If she as much as lays a finger on you, I swear, I’ll –“</p><p>“Revenge?” Alie guessed.</p><p>“Not now!” Clarke snapped, turning to face the man. “Discard the – the fucking data, or whatever you’re collecting. She’s already told you that she’s too distraught to be reliable. You’ll reach the wrong conclusions.”</p><p>“No, I’ll – I’ll come back.” Lexa promised. “I’ll come back and try to explain how feelings work again. I just need time to process this. Like you do.” She took a shaky breath. “Thank you. I’ll make good use of this.”</p><p>“I’m very interested in seeing your next move. I’ll be watching you, Commander.”</p><p>The smile the man gave was natural, easy, genuine enough to be mistaken for the real thing.</p><p>And it was the uncanniest thing Lexa had ever seen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>when i said "a mixed azgeda/alie" plotline I bet everyone just thought "oh i see, so the apocalypse AI is going to join forces with the ice queen" </p><p>WRONG</p><p>lexa talked the apocalypse AI into working for her</p><p>"man now that you mention it, adjusting the people/resources ratio by nuking the people AND the resources sorta doesn't make sense"</p><p>no shit??????????? alie really be doing maths in her AI brain like  'i have ten apples and ten people. i want to have more apples per person. i'll kill nine out of the ten people and then yeet all the apples into the fucking sun. now the last human has no food and also cancer. the apples/person ratio is infinite because everyone is dead so i'm dividing by 0. i am very smart. STONKS!!!!!!'</p><p>"i mean it's a computer though? i can see how it would have reached the wrong conclusion -"<br/>MALTHUSIAN THEORY WAS CREATED AND DEBUNKED IN THE FUCKING 18TH CENTURY </p><p>BITCHES REALLY MAKE A SUPER-SMART AI AND IT CANNOT FUCKING CONCLUDE THAT THE PROBLEM IS CORPORATE CAPITALISM </p><p>COULD NOT DOWNLOAD ONE (01) PDF OF THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO INTO THE BIG BRAIN </p><p>this is like that avengers movie when the purple hulk with the big chin has the omnipotent glove and he goes "yeah i'm gonna kill 50% of all sentient beings at random without regards to the ecological collapse this could cause, because there's not enough resources for everyone" and i'm just sitting there like 'but you have the glove,,,, of omnipotence??? and you can just double the resources?? or make resource consumption more efficient???? i dont get it????? i hate superhero movies i hate this so much - '</p><p>"buttons are you a marxist"<br/>i'm not even a fucking marxist i'm just into light bondag- uh, i mean, light leftism. you know, the kind that goes 'healthcare, education, food and shelter are a basic right for every human and a duty of the state'. i don't even wanna seize the means of production i just think human rights are neat </p><p>(though if someone wants to seize elon musk's shit like he seized the government of bolivia, i'm not opposed to it) </p><p>"yo buttons you've been updating fast, how come you can work, study and write fanfic?"<br/>i write fanfic with the leftover frantic energy of the ritalin i take to study after work </p><p>"so you have ADHD???"<br/>at this point it should be obvious i don't have a single functional neuron </p><p>"actually buttons i think you haven't been updating fast enough, are you working on a parallel project?"<br/>i finally published the prologue to this AU and also i have like 10k of luna/raven fic in a word doc but that one is incredibly emotional, like. it's shaping up into an actual decent story. very moving. i hope you guys like lesbians</p><p>"does lexa understand technology or not??"<br/>she understands tech as much as she understands philosophy - she comprehends the core concepts but not the technical parts, and she has zero desire of learning the technical parts because she's working just great with the core concepts. she'll only ever learn what a 'computer' is if she wants to spite someone by surprising them with that knowledge</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>graphic depictions of blood and adjacent tissues ahead</p><p>beware</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke adjusted the bright lights so that they were focused and centered on the tumor on the patient’s back. Once she was satisfied with the brightness, she touched the skin, palpating, feeling for the edges of the tumor. Back in the Ark, they wouldn’t have used anesthetics and medical supplies on surgeries that were mostly aesthetic, but the Mountain was filled with resources and so were the hospitals Raven was digging up, and Clarke found that small surgeries were a fantastic way for apprentices to learn and grow confident.</p><p>“Here.” She took Madi’s hand and guided it over the lump. “Feel for the edges. It’s a big one – five, maybe six centimeters wide. Make sure you have a good mental picture of the location before you cut.”</p><p>Madi nodded. At fourteen years, she was the oldest of the <em>natblida</em>, almost old enough that she could have been on <em>Lexa’s </em>conclave rather than Aden’s, but her mother had managed the astounding feat of keeping her hidden until her teen years, when Lexa finally changed the rules.</p><p>Clarke could tell she was embarrassed about it. Their cultural gap was astounding. It was easy to see Madi felt left out among Aden’s peer group of little children, and so Clarke had stepped in and volunteered to take her in as an apprentice instead. It worked – learning under the Commander’s personal healer who was <em>also her lover</em> was seen as an immense honor or something of the sort.</p><p>Clarke wasn’t entirely ready to be a mentor, but not feeling ready hardly held her back. When Madi pulled her hand back, Clarke saw her fingertips tremble. “Hey.”</p><p>She placed her hand on Madi’s shoulder. Grounders were big on physical contact, and though Clarke was quick to learn it, it took her a bit to warm up the idea. Some people felt more comfortable than others. Lexa was easy. So was Madi. Clarke stepped closer and kissed Madi’s forehead, then dropped her voice to a whisper. “You got this. You’re ready, and I’ll be right here to guide you.”</p><p>Madi nodded, then exhaled. “I’ll go wash my hands for an excessive long time, then put on the super-clean clothes.”</p><p>Clarke smiled. She took a step to the side and pretended to check the quality of Madi’s handwashing, but just pretended – she’d watched Madi do it enough times to know Madi did it right. But Madi felt more confident when she felt supervised, and she was just a teen, and Clarke found it perfectly reasonable that she needed this to feel secure.</p><p>“Okay.” Madi nodded. It made her safety glasses slide down her nose, and she moved to push them back in place –</p><p>“Hands!” Clarke snapped, and Madi froze. Clarke scoffed, then pushed Madi’s glasses back into place, carefully making sure she didn’t touch the disinfected skin.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Klark – <em>Fisa, </em>I mean<em> – </em>I keep being inattentive.” She met Clarke’s eyes, then dropped her gaze. “I’ll do better.”</p><p>“It’s okay, <em>yongon</em>. I wasted a dozen soap bars before I finally internalized I can’t contaminate my hands. Mom had me stand with my hands up on a corner for hours.” Madi made an alarmed face, and Clarke gave her a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. I don’t believe in punitive education.”</p><p>“Thank you, <em>Fisa.</em>” Madi began the arduous process of putting on sterile gloves.</p><p>Clarke observed without intervening. Madi had excellent dexterity, and Clarke allowed herself to be a little proud of her progress. Madi looked at her, and the anxiety was evident in her expression. Clarke moved behind her to tie her gown closed.</p><p>“Now disinfect the skin with iodine solution.” She made a circle with her index finger. “From the inside to the outside. Disinfect an area bigger than what you actually need to cut.”</p><p>Madi nodded. Once she actually started doing the cleaning, the movements came naturally. She’d been helping Clarke out on surgeries ever since she turned fourteen, and Clarke had gradually given her more and more to do, including the disinfecting and the final stitches.</p><p>She pulled a short, metallic stool and sat down. “That’s good. Now change your gloves and grab the sterile towels.” Clarke waited for her to do finish a task before assigning the next one. “Place the towels around your surgery field, and use the Backhaus clamps to hold them in place.”</p><p>“Bakaus.” Madi mumbled. “Back-ahus?”</p><p>“Towel clamp is fine.” Clarke smiled to reassure her. “Intuitive names are better anyway.” She picked up a small flask of anesthesia and held it out. “Drain the anesthesia from the flask with the big needle, then swap it for the small one and use it to infiltrate the anesthesia in. Remember the mental picture you made in your mind?”</p><p>Madi nodded. “I go under and around the tumor, but not in it?”</p><p>“That’s right.” Clarke watched her fill the syringe with fluid and swap the tip. “Feel for the tumor again, then sink the needle in when you’re ready. Remember to warn the patient so he’s not startled.”</p><p><em>“I’m going to give you a little pinch,”</em> Madi said in Trig, then pushed the needle into the skin.</p><p>She noticed with blooming pride that this time, Madi’s hand didn’t shake. She raised her index and middle fingers and moved them from one side to the other. “Use the needle to sweep while you inject the anesthesia so that you cover more area.”</p><p>Madi’s brow furrowed in focus. Once she finished the first spot, though, she was much more confident to move on to the next ones, even remembering to start in an area that overlapped with the previously anesthetized one so that the patient wouldn’t even feel the needle prick.</p><p>She’d given the man a mild sedative, too, and be it because grounders had scary pain resistance, be it because they were particularly sensitive to the effects of drugs, when Clarke turned to check on him, he was already drooling and snoring.</p><p>Madi must have noticed, too, because she raised her eyes from the surgical field for an instant, to catch Clarke’s attention. “<em>Fisa</em>, can I ask you a question?”</p><p>Clarke stood and walked to the other side of the surgical table, across Madi, where she had a good view of the field. Even if the man hadn’t been fast asleep, he wasn’t a warrior either, so English was safe for them to speak. “Of course, <em>yongon</em>.”</p><p>“Do you think I’m a good fit to be a <em>fisa</em>, too?”</p><p>She didn’t look at Clarke when she said it, and Clarke felt a dull ache in her chest. “That is for you to say. Are you happy doing it?”</p><p>“I like it.” She put the needle down and picked up the scalpel. “I’ve been learning a lot. But… I don’t know. I started training much later than the other <em>natblidas</em>. I fear I might be too behind to be any good at it.”</p><p><em>You’re fourteen,</em> Clarke thought, then shook her head. “I wouldn’t have taken you if you’d been any younger.” She watched Madi bring the scalpel close to the skin, then hesitate. “Ah-ah.” Clarke extended her left palm, then touched her right index finger perpendicular to it. “Never make oblique cuts. Keep the scalpel vertically against the skin.”</p><p>Madi nodded, then pressed the blade against the skin until it drew blood. She cut a straight line, deep enough to reach the thin layer of fat beneath the skin. She took a deep, shaky breath. “Good?”</p><p>“Mm-hm.” Clarke nodded. “You’re doing good, but it’s shallower at the edges. Your incision should always have the same depth all the way. You can make it a bit longer, too. It’s a big lipoma.”</p><p>“Lipoma.” Madi repeated, adjusting the cut. “Why do people have lipomas?”</p><p>Clarke clicked her tongue. “No idea.” Madi gave her a surprised look, and Clarke laughed. “There’s a lot we don’t know. What we do know is that they’re not usually malignant, uh, this means they’re hardly ever a danger to your life.”</p><p>“I understand. Thank you.” Madi stared at the cut. “Do I need to cut more?”</p><p>“No, that’s good. Put the scalpel down, then push your finger in and feel around it. See if you can detach it from the tissues around with just your finger, or if you’ll need to cut it loose.”</p><p>“Okay, okay, okay.”</p><p><em>I say that when I’m nervous, too</em>, Clarke smiled. <em>I’m rubbing off on her already</em>. “You’re doing great, Madi.”</p><p>Madi used a sterile cloth to wipe off the blood. “<em>Fisa</em>, when did you know this was what you wanted to do?”</p><p>“I never got a choice,” Clarke admitted, then shrugged. “It was what my mother did. It was what I was expected to do. They started training me when I was very little, too. And for the longest while, I resented that. Which is why I wouldn’t take a younger apprentice.”</p><p>“You were angry?” Madi frowned.</p><p>“Yeah. I felt so… trapped, up in the Ark. Like I had no control over anything in my life, my job included.” She paused to inspect Madi’s progress. “But it wasn’t the work itself. It was the entire situation. Once I got here and I finally got a break from being hurt, I realized I’d learned to love what I did, and I wanted to keep doing it. I enjoy helping.” Half of the lipoma was already poking out of the skin, and Clarke watched attentively. “It helps that Lexa has never made me feel anything but free to make my own choices. She’s not trying to control me like the Council was.”</p><p>“<em>Heda </em>is – oh, it’s stuck.” Madi gave Clarke a questioning look.</p><p>“Hook the fibrous bit around your finger like this,” She bent her index. “Pull until you can see it, then use the scalpel to cut it loose. Careful so you don’t cut yourself on accident while you’re at it.”</p><p>Madi nodded, sinking her fingers deep into the cut. “Got it.”</p><p>“Let me see.” Madi pulled the flaps of the wound open and Clarke moved her head to find a good angle. “Mmh. Use the scissors to dissect that section. Straight ones, not the curved ones.” She made scissors with her fingers and opened them. “Don’t use them to cut, open them and use them to tear the tissue free.”</p><p>“Okay.” Madi grabbed the scissors, looked at Clarke and hesitated. “What I was saying is <em>Heda</em> is very dear to us.” She paused and pushed the scissors into the cut. “And so are you, <em>Fisa</em>.”</p><p>Clarke licked her lips. “By association?”</p><p>“No. You stand on top of your own qualities.” She struggled with the cutting, and Clarke adjusted the lights so that she could better see under the skin. “You’re kind. And smart. You’ve brought good things to our people. There’s no reason not to like you.”</p><p>Clarke arched an eyebrow. “But?”</p><p>“I didn’t say but.” She bent her back. “Why do you think there is a but?”</p><p>Clarke grabbed the metal stool and carefully pushed it with her foot so that it was near Madi, avoiding the sterile fields. “Sit down, <em>yongon</em>. Your back will kill you like that. Careful not to contaminate.”</p><p>“Thank you.” She clumsily sat down, and Clarke lowered the surgical table to match her height.</p><p>“I know there is a but because you are a very smart young woman who does not want to displease her professor.” Madi raised her eyes to Clarke, and Clarke offered a welcoming smile. “But you are my <em>seken</em>, so know I value honesty over flattery and authenticity over appearances.”</p><p>“Yes, <em>Fisa</em>.” Madi bowed her head in agreement. “It is my understanding that a few of our people might oppose you because they find you make our <em>Heda</em> soft.”</p><p>“Hmm.” Clarke looked over Madi’s shoulder. “You’re almost done. I think you can use your finger for that last bit.” She pushed Madi’s glasses back to place again. “Do you think I make your <em>Heda</em> soft?”</p><p>Madi inhaled, then went silent. “You can’t make a person soft. Heda <em>is</em> soft, and being with you makes her comfortable to show it. It could be dangerous for her, but… oh, I think it’s coming out!”</p><p>“It is. Pull it, pull it –“ Clarke watched her grip the mass between her fingers, pulling it from under the skin and into the open. “That’s good, you didn’t break the capsule, it’s coming out whole.”</p><p>“I got it.” Madi placed the excised lipoma on the surgery table. It clattered, a monstrosity of yellow fat covered by a thin, almost transparent layer of fibrous tissue. “Yuck. Ah, it’s bleeding a lot.”</p><p>“Put your finger on the bleeding vessels and hold it there until it stops.” Clarke grinned. “Well done, Madi. Search the skin with your finger to see if you didn’t leave any fragments or smaller tumors behind, then close it up.” Madi nodded, and Clarke moved away from the surgery to check on the patient. Still sleeping. Still drooling. “You think I’m dangerous for Lexa?”</p><p>“I think you could be, because Commanders are not meant to be soft. But you’re not soft, <em>Fisa</em>. You’re hard. Kind, and caring, but also hard. So it’s okay. You keep <em>Heda</em> safe.” She took her finger off the cut and immediately put it back when the bleeding started again. “I am grateful to the two of you for the opportunity to…” She shrugged. “To live. And to be here. I enjoy this. I’m happy, I think.”</p><p>Clarke smiled. “That is good to hear, Madi.” She walked back to Madi to check on the bleeding, but it was already slowing down. “You have a right to a good life. Everyone does. And I’m glad I get to teach you. I couldn’t ask for anything more in a student.”</p><p>Madi’s cheeks went bright had from the praise. “Thank you, <em>Fisa</em>. If I may be bold?”</p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>“Have… have things been okay between you and <em>Heda?</em> I, uh.” She met Clarke’s eyes briefly, then looked away. “I don’t mean to intrude, but she has been… unsettled. Perhaps it is the preparations for Ascension Day. She’s been busy. But…” She took a deep breath, then shrugged.</p><p>“It is good for a <em>Fisa</em> to pay attention, Madi. You notice things. A lot of times you’ll have to keep silent about the things you see and hear, and it is wise of you to hesitate. With time, you’ll learn when to wait and when to act. But for now, trust me. There, the bleeding stopped.”</p><p>Madi took her finger out and delicately dried the cut skin. “Heda is good at hiding her distress. I wouldn’t be able to tell at all if I wasn’t around you all the time. But Heda shows much of herself to you, and I can tell she is unwell.” She grabbed the needle holder and positioned the needle on it. This time, when she looked at Clarke, she held her gaze for longer. “If I am open to you, will you also be open to me?”</p><p>“Ha!” Clarke smirked. “But of course. Respect goes both ways. Trust me, and I will trust you in return.”</p><p>Madi exhaled. “I worry. You and Heda seemed so happy, and now you’re not, and it scares me because…” She threaded the needle through one flap of skin, then the other, then circled the line twice around the needle holder and pulled it into a knot. “Because good things came out of your happiness. Not just for you, but for everyone. Polis is doing well, and so is Kongeda. It worries me that if you two were to crumble, then the things you built could crumble with you. Things going back to the way they were… that scares me.”</p><p>Clarke took a deep breath. It was crushing, the weight her actions carried; it was crushing to know that far from something that only concerned the two of them, her relationship with Lexa could impact from warriors to merchants to children. It made her long for something simpler.</p><p>And <em>yet</em>.</p><p>Clarke knew if she wanted to have an impact on things, then she’d have to bear the responsibility of that, too. “Things are well between Lexa and I.”</p><p>Madi narrowed her eyes, then silently progressed to the next stitch. “Things are well between you and Heda, but…”</p><p>
  <em>You learn quick, don’t you?</em>
</p><p>Clarke considered her next words with care. Madi had good instincts, and denying her the truth, making her believe she was wrong, it could crush that blooming sensitivity. “But we expect complications in the near future, and it’s making us anxious.”</p><p>“Okay.” Madi bit her bottom lip, cutting the nylon strings with the scissors. “Thank you for trusting me. I won’t ask you the specifics, I understand you might need to keep silent. But is there…” She gave Clarke a distraught look. “I know I can’t do a lot. The little <em>natblida</em> have more training than I do, even. But I’d like to help, if I can.”</p><p>“You went too far from the borders of the wound for that last stitch.” Clarke pointed. “It makes the skin evert and overlap, which is good for some wounds, but not this one in particular. Cut it free and try again.”</p><p>Madi nodded.</p><p>Clarke waited for her to pull off the stitch before speaking again. “Tell me of Nia kom Azgeda.”</p><p>“Nia is…” Madi frowned and went silent for a long time. “My <em>nomon </em>hid me for many years because she could not bear the thought of losing me. And when Heda did away with the Conclave, I was so happy I would finally be free, finally be able to appear in public and meet people and have a life of my own. <em>Nomon</em> was terrified that we would be punished because she kept me away from the Fleimkipas, but she knew I could no longer bear to live my life between holes and caves.”</p><p>“I have a friend who went through something similar. Perhaps I’ll introduce you one day.” Clarke checked Madi’s stitch, then gestured for her to continue with her story.</p><p>“When I was brought before Heda, we were ready to handle a lot of pain. But Heda heard my nomon’s apology and was not angry. She said…” Madi got started on the last stitch. “She said she could never punish a mother for loving her child too much. That stuck with me.”</p><p>Clarke felt an odd warmth in her chest. “Lexa has a tendency to do things like that.”</p><p>Madi raised her head for a moment. “Nomon left with the promise she could see me again, but I was afraid still. I think Heda could tell. She took me around the Tower, and when we got to the very top, when we were alone, she held my hand and said, ‘I was punished for loving once, but I refused to learn that lesson.’”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, love, you’ll break my heart.</em>
</p><p>Clarke tensed her jaw. “Did she tell you about…”</p><p>“Yeah.” Madi finished the stitch and stopped to admire her handiwork. “I find it strange.” She wiped the blood from the man’s skin. “Nia has always been known for her cruelty. I don’t think she hurt Heda out of hate. Nia will just do anything to get what she wants.”</p><p>“Machiavellian.”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>Clarke shook her head. “I’ll teach you about it later.” She inspected the closed wound. The stitches were well done, aligned and not too tight. “Looking good. Cover it up.”</p><p>Madi nodded, then pulled out her bloodied gloves and tossed them inside a trash bin. Clarke helped her out of the heavy surgical gown, ruffling her hair while she did so. “You did a masterful job, <em>yongon</em>. I’m proud of you.”</p><p>Madi turned to her, gave her a very long, expressive look, then pulled her into an unexpected hug. Clarke blinked, bewildered, but wrapped her arms around Madi anyway, holding her close. “You and Heda are good people, Klark. I don’t – I don’t want bad things to happen to you. I don’t know what I would do if a person like Nia ended up –“</p><p>“Shh.” Clarke ran her fingers through Madi’s hair. “It’s okay, sweetie. We got this.” She kissed the top of Madi’s head. “Don’t you worry. And thank you – for helping and for trusting me. I –“ She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Clarke looked at the patient, then back at Madi. “Do you think you can bandage it while I go check that out?”</p><p>Madi nodded, and Clarke walked over to the door. Madi’s words were still rolling in her brain when she pushed it open and peeked out. “We’re finishing up a procedure – ah.” She smiled. “Hi, love. What brings you here?” She narrowed her eyes, a twinge of concern bubbling inside her. “Are you hurt? Did you get shot again?” She stepped out to check Lexa for wounds.</p><p>“No!” Lexa raised her hands. “No, I’m, um. I’m okay. Unwounded. I just –“ She looked sheepish. “I just wanted to see you, I…” Her eyes searched Clarke’s face for comfort in that sweet, vulnerable way that made Clarke’s stomach do flips. “I got worried.”</p><p>Clarke touched Lexa’s cheek, brushing her thumb against warm skin. “I’m okay, love.”</p><p>“Yeah. Okay.” She kissed Clarke’s palm. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to nag –“</p><p>“Don’t be silly. Come here.” She pulled Lexa into a hug, let Lexa envelop her in her arms, tucked her head under Lexa’s chin, just as Lexa liked it. “You can stay, if you want. Madi and I are almost done here. We can walk her to her room, and then have dinner together, how does that sound?”</p><p>Lexa’s open gratitude warmed Clarke up from head to toe. “I’d like that. Thank you.”</p><p>Clarke tiptoed to give her a peck on the lips. “Then come in, but sit on the corner and behave –“</p><p>It fell on deaf ears, because Lexa had already pushed past the door and was making a beeline straight for Madi.</p><p>“<em>Natblida!</em>” She smiled wide, then pulled Madi into a hug and kissed her forehead. “It is good to see you, little one. Have you been enjoying your time here? Have you received news from your <em>nomon</em>?”</p><p>“Heda,” Madi blushed, smiling shyly. Clarke thought Madi was maybe old enough to find that kind of affection embarrassing, but there was something infectious about Lexa’s warmth. “It’s been good. Klark let me cut off this big lump all by myself –“</p><p>And then it struck Clarke, the understanding, the crystal-clear realization that made her blood run cold. It was Machiavelli, the means justifying the ends, and it was indifference, and it was Lexa’s refusal to accept an undeserved punishment.</p><p><em>Nia didn’t hurt you because she hated you. </em> </p><p>Lexa heard Madi’s excited rambles, nodding along, and Clarke knew she was paying attention and would have several questions to ask after.</p><p>
  <em>She hated you when she hurt you and you didn’t break. </em>
</p><p>Clarke closed the distance between them and hugged Lexa from behind, kissing the back of her neck. “<em>Ai hod yu in</em>,” she whispered, and Lexa turned and stared at Clarke as if Clarke was her whole world.</p><p>
  <em>And Madi is right. You’re soft, but I am not, and I will keep your heart safe. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"Yo buttons why a clarke chapter all of a sudden?"<br/>idk kinda felt like it, they're co-protagonists, she should get a chapter sometimes</p><p>"was this HD rendition of a lipoma removal necessary?"<br/>it absolutely wasn't but I'd argue it's canon-compliant because the 100 sure does love hitting me with entirely uncessary and completely inaccurate gore scenes</p><p>"oh wow I'm glad you were able to transcribe what a healthy learning environment looks like, sounds like you had a great surgery profess-"<br/>i absolutely did NOT he was a JACKASS and not only did he make me stand up in a corner with my hands up, he was also one who liked to make us do things such as: suturing while standing on one leg, scrubbing until our skins peeled, and making us stand in front of the class to answer questions, physically slapping us when we got them wrong </p><p>it's okay though because although we did get him suspended, my true vindication came when my friend found his profile on grindr and while i am 100% for people getting laid on dating apps, i also think contempt is even more powerful than abject hatred</p><p>and there's only so much dignity you can see in a person which your brain now only refers to as "Professor 17CM (eggplant emoji) (eggplant emoji) COCKSUCKER" </p><p>fucking bastard </p><p>"so why did you write madi as older than canon?"<br/>same reason why i write aden as a little kid, it's just so i can explore the concept of being a mentor figure to children of different ages </p><p>"why do you keep moving the plot forward by writing AROUND the plot but never really tackling the plot itself?????"<br/>there are several stylistic trends in postmodern literature and one of them is "magic realism" which is probably the strongest one in the shit write;</p><p>you can read up on it and you should, because literature is DOPE to study, but the key traits are juxtaposing the mundane and the bizarre, a dreamlike quality, scenes that read like snapshots rather than an uninterrupt linear tale, time shifts, convoluted narratives, political critique and abrupt transitions into the horrific or inexplicable </p><p>so it's stylistic</p><p>"buttons are you calling your absolute bullshit laziness to directly tackle the plot a choice in style?"<br/>that is exactly what i am doing and i did it so confidently i bet it could stick</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warning:</p>
<p>i dont even know what i should warn against for this???? this chapter is disturbing i guess</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke sat under the clock on the operating room, listened to it tick, and waited.</p>
<p>She’d done a lot of research, a lot of political considerations, a lot of scouting for this. She’d sent Madi home, because there were some things which she hoped she would never have to teach, and this was one of them. And so she waited. She’d gone through dozens of sleep-inducing drugs for this: benzodiazepines, barbiturates, muscular relaxants, clonidine, clozapine, ether, opiates.</p>
<p>None of them would quite suit her purpose. She needed Nia to be sick, and she needed no one else <em>but</em> Nia to be sick, and she needed Nia to be sick to a point where Azgeda healers would call it quits and seek her out. It was hard. There would be people tasting Nia’s food, so she had to pick something which would not have an effect in small doses.</p>
<p>So it wasn’t a sedative she poisoned Nia with, at the end. It was Disulfiram. Goddamn Antabuse. Clarke was proud of herself for thinking of it – a stroke of pure genius, really. Five hundred milligrams, crunched to dust, dissolved in water, then mixed into her food. It would do nothing to the tasters, because there were separate people trying the food and the drinks, and Disulfiram did not, by itself, make people sick.</p>
<p>You needed a certain amount of it on your system, and then you needed a certain amount of alcohol on top, but Clarke knew Nia both ate and drunk plenty –</p>
<p>As if on cue, there was a knock on the door.</p>
<p>“One second!” Clarke yelled, then stood and walked to the door. She felt sick to her stomach with the whole situation, though not as sick as Nia probably did. She opened the door and poked her head out. “Yes?”</p>
<p>There were two Azgeda warriors, one of them offering Nia support, and then a trio of Tower guards. Nia was pale, sweating, eyes wide and stinking of vomit. One of the warriors pushed the door open with his feet, and Clarke grabbed it halfway and pushed it back closed, giving him her most burning glare. “Excuse me? What do you think you’re doing?”</p>
<p>“The <em>Haiplana –“</em></p>
<p>“I can <em>see</em> something is wrong with her,” Clarke hissed. “And if you want me to tend to her, you will respect the rules of this place.” She raised her index finger. “One person can join her inside. The rest of you wait right there.”  </p>
<p>“We will not –“</p>
<p>“Enough,” Nia wheezed. “Do you think the <em>Skaikru</em> healer can hurt me? Even in this state, I could snap the girl in half.”</p>
<p><em>Oh, but you have no idea,</em> Clarke thought, and something profoundly twisted inside her urged her to smile. Instead, she scowled and pulled the door open. “One accompanying person.”</p>
<p>The Azgeda soldiers exchanged a look, then the tallest one stepped forward and helped Nia inside. Clarke gestured for her to sit on the surgery table, and the man helped her up.</p>
<p>“What happened?” Clarke reached inside a drawer and pulled out a pulse oximeter, and a stethoscope, then turned to Nia. “What are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“We were celebrating tomorrow’s Ascension Day. Eating and drinking.” Nia paused, breathing labored, and placed a hand over her chest. “I’ve been throwing up and my head hurts. My healers have been tending to me, but it’s getting –“ she paused and pulled in air. “It’s getting worse. I can’t breathe. My pulse grows weaker. I –“</p>
<p>Clarke took her hand and pushed the oximeter on her index finger. Her heart rate was, impressively, nearing two hundred beats per minute.</p>
<p><em>The wonders of medicine,</em> she mused, feeling a twinge of guilt. All this went against every single principle she had. She’d sworn to do no harm.</p>
<p>And yet.  </p>
<p>“Lie down,” She ordered, and when Nia did, she began pulling her shirt open. Nia grabbed her hand, and Clarke met her eyes. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for – anger, hatred, something – but all she found was cold, calculating indifference. “You’re having digestive symptoms. I need to examine your abdomen, and I can’t listen to your heartbeat over your clothes, either.” She turned to the guard. “Is anyone else showing symptoms?”</p>
<p>The man hesitated. “Not when we left, no. If this is poison –“</p>
<p>“Don’t you have people tasting the food for poison before you eat them?” Clarke asked, feigning innocence. It scared her, the ease with which she lied. “Did any of them feel sick?”</p>
<p>“Of course not,” Nia hissed. “Do you think I would be here if they did? My own healers – “ She took in a wheezing breath, “ – have antidotes for every poison known in this Kongeda. If the tasters had fallen ill –“ she paused again. “ – you would be the first suspect of this treachery.”</p>
<p>
  <em>The arrogance. </em>
</p>
<p>Clarke made a point to roll her eyes. “Thank you for such fantastic trust.” She finished removing Nia’s leather armor and pushed her shirt up, then placed her stethoscope over her abdomen and listened to the revolt going on in her gut, then palpate it. She made a show of moving to her heart, grabbing Nia’s wrist and feeling for her pulse while she did it. She felt as each of the racing beats caused an equivalent pulse under her fingers.</p>
<p>“Well?” Nia asked, once Clarke pulled away and put the stethoscope around her neck.</p>
<p>Clarke turned around and took hurried steps towards the ancient fridge where she stored the saline solutions. “Acute abdomen.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Acute abdomen,” Clarke repeated, grabbing her tools, then walked back to Nia. “It’s medical for ‘something is wrong inside your belly’. Impossible to say what it is. Seeds in your food – can be the appendix. Lots of fat – can be the gallbladder. Could be a peptic ulcer, a diverticulum –“ She paused when she realized Nia the man was staring at her in confusion, then sighed. “Could be a hole in her stomach or a knot in her guts, or even something wrong with her womb, I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Then figure it out!” Nia hissed.</p>
<p>Clarke grit her teeth and grabbed her arm. She pulled it back, and Clarke grabbed it again. “I need a fucking IV access to give you some fluid, unless you want your pulse to grow even weaker until your heart stops.” Nia held back still, and Clarke let her face twist into a scowl. “What, you expect me to give your henchman a test drive of every single drug I need to use?”</p>
<p>Clarke didn’t wait for an answer. She wiped Nia’s arm with a ball of alcohol-soaked cotton, tied a rubber glove on her arm and sunk the needle in. Nia didn’t flinch. Clarke untied the glove, pushed the cannula into the vein and connected it to the saline, rolling the IV drip open.</p>
<p>“Happy?” Clarke hissed. She tossed the things on the metal platter, then moved it all to the sink. She stared at Nia’s flushed skin and once again felt a creeping mixture of guilt and pure loathing. “I have to open you up.”</p>
<p>“What –“ The man took a step forward. “Absolutely not!”</p>
<p>Nia had a split second of wide-eyed surprise, then her face fell into carefully schooled neutrality. She met Clarke’s eyes. Clarke held her gaze and did not look away. “No.”</p>
<p>Clarke shrugged. “Fine. Die.”</p>
<p>She turned back to the sink and began organizing the platter. She discarded the used needle into a cardboard box. She tossed the glove and the cotton ball into a trash bin. She grabbed the alcohol flask –</p>
<p>“What would it entail?”</p>
<p>Clarke felt her stomach twist. She took a deep breath and forced her face into an impassive expression, then turned around and touched the very end of her sternum. “I’ll cut from here to here.” She dragged her finger down until it reached her pubis. “A big incision. There’s no other way, it’s not like I have a CT scan to check beforehand what I’m looking for. And then I’ll go through your organs, try to figure out what’s wrong, and fix it. Hopefully before it becomes a disaster.”</p>
<p>Silence. Nia had chilling, ice blue eyes. They searched and searched for any hint of dishonesty. What they found, instead, was Clarke’s open loathing.  “You hold no love for me.”</p>
<p>“No shit?” Clarke lifted her chin in defiance. “Did it take you a lot of effort to reach this genius conclusion?”</p>
<p>Nia laughed, humorlessly, a dry sound that made Clarke’s hairs stand on end. “And you expect me to trust you with my life. Why?”</p>
<p>“I don’t.” Clarke pointed to the door. “Go. Die. It would be my goddamn fucking pleasure to hear you spent your last hours withering in pain because your gut burst and spilled shit inside your abdomen. It’s what you deserve.”  </p>
<p>The soldier stepped forward, but Nia grabbed his wrist. “No. Let her spew her venom. I much rather a transparent enemy than a scheming pretend-friend.”</p>
<p>“You hurt someone I love, and I hate you for it.” Clarke crossed her arms over her chest. “And if it were up to me, I’d have your head on a plate. But it isn’t. It isn’t up to me. It’s up to my <em>Heda</em>, and if she has decided you are to live, then I’ll fulfill my duty and keep it that way until told otherwise.”</p>
<p>Clarke hoped the lies would stick. Particularly because Lexa had no idea what she was up to. It probably helped that Disulfiram and alcohol taken together did in fact make a person feel like they were about to die.</p>
<p>Nia arched an eyebrow and looked at her with disdain. “I am torn. You’re pathetic, but I find myself envying the child commander once again. I could do wonders if I had servants as loyal as you.”</p>
<p>“You could have loyal people if you weren’t a complete bitch.” Clarke shot back without hesitation.</p>
<p>Nia laughed again. “Fine. Do it.”</p>
<p>“<em>Haiplana, </em>I don’t think –“</p>
<p>“Don’t question me.” Nia snapped. “The girl will do as she says. She’s nothing but another one of Lexa’s hounds, and Lexa would not risk her precious alliance by assassinating me in her capital.”</p>
<p>Clarke took one last gamble. She looked at the man. “He has to leave. I’m going to work on a sterile field here. The less people in the room, the smaller the risk of infection.”</p>
<p>“<em>Haiplana, </em>please –“</p>
<p>“You can stay outside,” Clarke snapped. “Right there. Ears on the door. You’ll hear and barge in if I as much as drop a tool. There’s literally only one door, and if I wanted to kill your queen – which I do, mind you, but if I were actually going to do it, then I wouldn’t even bother with the IV drip.”</p>
<p>“Go!” Nia barked. “And send for the best healers in the capital. I might have to let her do this, but I want Azgeda to be the one to tend to my recovery after.”</p>
<p>The man nodded, and did as he was told.</p>
<p>Clarke waited. She waited until Nia laid down, and she waited until she was done removing Nia’s clothes, and she waited until everything was clean and ready.  She waited until she had a syringe filled with rocuronium on her hands, connected directly to the cannula into Nia’s arms, and another with propofol within reach. And then she asked the question.</p>
<p>“Why did you do it?”</p>
<p>Nia turned to her, narrowing her eyes. “You mean cutting your Heda’s girl into pieces? You should be grateful. You wouldn’t have a chance to be her concubine if I hadn’t.”</p>
<p>Clarke didn’t let the words rattle her. “The logical answer is that you did it to break the Coalition apart, but I think there’s more to it. It’s such a cruel thing, I can’t help but feel it also had… ideological intents. So what was it? What were you trying to prove?”</p>
<p>“You’re far more cunning than the last one, I’ll give you that.” Nia smiled, cold and malicious. “I’ll answer you, because you’re being so useful. I wanted your commander to know the world is not the fairytale she dreams of. She’s stubborn, but she’ll learn.”</p>
<p>Clarke arched an eyebrow. “That’s it? That’s the hill you’re willing to die on? That everything sucks?” She stared at the syringe in her hands. It was cruel, very much inhumane to infuse the paralyzers <em>before</em> the sedatives rather than after. “I don’t believe that.”</p>
<p>“Oh? By all means, share your insight into my person, then.”</p>
<p>Clarke paused to think, then faced Nia again. “I think you tell yourself that, because you’ve done pretty shitty things, and the way you live with them is by pretending everyone is just as bad as you, if you push them enough. And I think you hate Lexa because for as long as she is there, being proud and brave and <em>good</em>, you’re forced to face the fact that you’re a piece of shit.”</p>
<p>Nia opened her mouth to reply, but Clarke interrupted. “I’m not done yet.” Slowly, carefully, she pushed her thumb against the syringe, pumping the drug into Nia’s system. “I can’t imagine the amount of horrors you must have wrought to commit yourself this much to such a delusional view of the world.”</p>
<p>“You think we’re so different –“ Nia began, her words slurring.</p>
<p>“No.” Clarke smiled. “No, actually. I think you and I are the same, except I own up to it. I can bear the weight and the responsibility of my own actions without having to shift the blame into the big evil world. You’re a bad person and a coward. Me?” She shrugged. “I’m just a bad person. Tell me, did your food taste a bit heavy on the garlic tonight?”</p>
<p>She saw Nia’s eyes widen. She saw the understanding. She saw the muscles of her face twitch to answer, but do no more than twitch.</p>
<p>Clarke disconnected the empty syringe from the IV and grabbed the propofol. “You’ll have to lift the kill order on me, of course. I’m about to open you up and do god knows what. If you have me killed, then no one in the world will know how to fix you.”</p>
<p>She saw Nia’s pulse quicken on the oximeter. Her throat made an indistinct noise. The diaphragm was the last muscle to paralyze, Clarke knew it. She estimated she still had another twenty seconds before she had to intubate.</p>
<p>“I’m saying all this so you can use this minute to reflect just how wrong you were about me. You thought Lexa would never pull a move this bold, and you’re right. Lexa is not one for subtle approaches. This is all me.” She connected the propofol to the IV. “Lexa is honest and open, but me? I’m a <em>fucking nightmare</em>. This confession is moot, of course, since you won’t remember this conversation at all. But I’ll make sure you get the message.”</p>
<p>Clarke leaned forward and tapped Nia twice on the cheek, then moved closer to whisper on her ear.</p>
<p>“Don’t fuck with me, Nia.”</p>
<p>And then she pushed the propofol in.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Clarke takes little pieces, meticulously cut squares, two centimeters wide, two centimeters long, varying width depending on the organ. A series of biopsies, really. One slice for the esophagus, one for the stomach, one for the bowels, one for the pancreas, one for the peritoneum.</p>
<p>She puts them in jars filled with formaldehyde, carefully labeled in the most grounder-friendly way. Nia’s guts (small). Nia’s gut (large). Nia’s gut (stomach) –</p>
<p>Except for the last one. The last one, she leaves unlabeled. On the last one, she puts an entire segment of the liver. It’s perfect, because it’s big enough to be disturbing, nondescript enough that Nia won’t know what it is, and yet a piece she can live perfectly well without. Just to keep her wondering.</p>
<p>The whole thing takes Clarke four hours.</p>
<p>She moves the jars to the fridge before opening the room’s doors. Nia is breathing deep and easy when she does, and she tells the Azgeda guards some quick lies about how the source of the problem were intestinal adhesions, likely from endometriosis. She explains it, even – sometimes a woman’s period will bleed inside rather than outside, and when that happens, they can get scars that tie their guts together.</p>
<p>They believe it. She’s convincing, and the whole thing, from the initial symptoms to the fake diagnosis, the entire story was so legitimate, even Abby would have trouble finding holes in it.</p>
<p>Clarke expects Nia to recover just fine – she’s young and with an enviable physical conditioning. Azgeda healers take over the post-surgery care, with Clarke merely supervising it, and Clarke doesn’t protest.</p>
<p>Ascension day goes on without a hitch. No one raises a finger against Clarke – not when she’s directly involved with keeping Nia alive. She lets Nia have solid food twenty-four hours into the recovery and discharges her entirely three days later.</p>
<p>It takes her another five days to hear the envoy arrived at the Azgeda capital, and that the queen already felt good enough to hunt. That was probably an exaggeration, granted, but one Clarke understood as a sign of recovery regardless.</p>
<p>She waits another week.</p>
<p>And then she sends Nia the pieces of herself, delivered on top of her pillow.</p>
<p>They don’t hear of Azgeda for a long time after that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"buttons what the FUCK"<br/>i told you I TOLD YOU the main conflict was not Nia vs Lexa but rather Nia vs Clarke </p>
<p>I TOLD ALL OF YOU THAT CLARKE WOULD PUT UP A FIGHT TO MATCH NIA</p>
<p>she plays exactly into the role nia expects of her - the disdain, the anger, the submission to lexa</p>
<p>and then she does THAT</p>
<p>THIS IS WHAT I MEANT WHEN I SAID CLARKE AND LEXA HAD VERY DIFFERENT APPROACHES this is the kind of 4d chess i have clarke playing when i say SHE'S SUBTLE, VERY CUNNING AND VERY RUTHLESS</p>
<p>lexa is smart but not sneaky, lexa is a strategist and a visionary but she's not the one who's suited for THIS kinda subterfuge. clarke is the viper.</p>
<p>"i am profoundly disturbed by your knowledge of poisons"<br/>thanks this brings fond memories</p>
<p>there's like this phone number we can call which has a toxicologist available 24/7 to save your ass, and there was this girl who was on call in toxic whenever i was on call in the ER </p>
<p>so i'd ring her up like "hi girl it's buttons again! how's your night? hahaha me too! yes i agree, avenida brasil is truly one of the best telenovelas of the decade. oh by the way this dude just got bit by a snake -"</p>
<p>truly an unfulfilled love story</p>
<p>"what's the drug clarke used?"<br/>disulfiram is a drug we use to help people stop drinking. well i personally avoid using it when unless it's an absolute last resort, because it's kind of awful </p>
<p>what it does essentially is make you puke and have headaches and faint and feel like you're about to goddamn die when you drink. it gives you the whole hangover all at once </p>
<p>so you have the person take it every time they might get alcohol, so that they sorta pavlovian condition themselves into not drinking because it feels just so bad </p>
<p>you might have moral objections to such methodology </p>
<p>me too man, me too</p>
<p>"what about the taste of garlic?"<br/>common side effect to disulfiram is a garlic taste in the mouth </p>
<p>"doesn't clarke have moral objections about what she just did"<br/>not while she's doing it, because she's supressing it, but she has them after </p>
<p>but that's for next chapter actually</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Clarke entered the bedroom, Lexa was waiting for her on the mattress. She wasn’t playing with her Gameboy or reading a book or doing one of the several restless things she’d come to associate with Lexa, who just couldn’t seem to sit still. No, she was sitting, a frown on her face, staring at nothing, which meant she had something in mind and it was taking her full attention.</p><p>Which meant Clarke was in trouble.</p><p>“Hey, love.” She closed the door behind her, making sure to lock it.</p><p>Lexa stood and moved her way. “Are you all right?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m –“ Lexa pulled her into a hug, and Clarke let herself sink into her arms. “I’m good. Just a bit tired. Long surgery.”</p><p>Lexa pulled away, then nodded. Clarke tried to get back to her comfortable position, but Lexa held her back. “Klark.” She held Clarke’s gaze. “Was it you?”</p><p>Clarke didn’t have to ask what she meant. It was always like that, with Lexa – no nonsense, straight to the point. And she hesitated. She wasn’t happy about what she did with Nia, even if she took some dark satisfaction from the retribution she’d wrought. She’d feel worse if she stopped to think about it, so she didn’t.</p><p>But Lexa wanted to know. Clarke expected that question, and yet she couldn’t possibly prepare an answer. She had a cover story, and it was a good one which could stand up to scrutiny. But Lexa was far more complicated to deal with than she seemed, because she was both trusting and intuitive in a way Clarke could never quite fool.</p><p>That was the heartbreaking thing about it – that if she said she hadn’t done a thing, then Lexa would take Clarke’s words over her own instincts.</p><p>Lexa stared at her, waiting for an answer. Lexa, the love of her damn life. Lexa asked so little of Clarke, really – all she took was what Clarke freely offered. There was one thing though, only one thing which Lexa had requested of her in their very first meeting.</p><p><em>Don’t lie</em>.</p><p>Clarke had told Nia she was a bad person, but not a coward. Now she told herself to face the music. “Yes.”</p><p>Lexa flinched. The hurt in her expression was open and impossible to miss.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>Here was the issue with being such an empathetic person – most of the times, it gave Clarke an edge, but in moments like these, she felt Lexa’s pain on her own skin, sharply ripping through her chest. “You wouldn’t have let me do it.”</p><p>She knew it was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words left her lips, but by then she could no longer take them back. The problem wasn’t that Lexa got angry – the problem was that she <em>didn’t</em>.</p><p>“That’s not fair.” Lexa frowned, taking a step back. “I’ve never stopped you from doing anything. You’ve never had to ask me permission. But I suppose I…” That brief glimpse of pain disappeared from her expression entirely, gone with every other hint of feeling. “Klark, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Clarke inhaled. “What for?”</p><p>Lexa took a deep breath and hugged herself, then shrugged. “For… for making you feel that way. I’m sorry you didn’t feel safe to tell me of your plans. I’m sorry if I –“ She was tearing up, and Clarke felt her own eyes sting. “If you feel controlled to the point of having to hide, that’s on me.”</p><p>Arguing with Lexa was always <em>so </em>hard, and this was the reason. It wasn’t that Lexa hid her feelings, per se – Clarke didn’t think she <em>could</em>, not from her at least. Rather, it was the way Lexa brushed her own emotions away as if they didn’t matter, because her impulse was not to react with her heart but rather to seek solutions.</p><p>And it was one whole fucking mess.</p><p>She reached out and touched Lexa’s cheek. Lexa didn’t recoil, but Clarke could tell she wanted to, because she didn’t lean into Clarke’s touch as she usually did, either. “Please don’t do this.” Clarke mumbled. “Don’t take the blame for my mistakes.”</p><p>“It’s not about the blame.” Lexa touched her hand. “It’s about what I can do to make it better. This is a problem. You couldn’t trust me, and I don’t care whose fault it is, I care about what I can do to fix it.”</p><p>“Lexa.” Clarke closed the distance between them and tentatively pressed her forehead against Lexa’s shoulder. “Love, please. Your feelings.”</p><p>“What do you want me to say?” Her tone was anguished, almost desperate. “That I love you with all my heart? That I see you not as a subject, not just as an equal, but as someone who leads by my side? That I’d even trust you to make decisions in my stead, and having you go behind my back hurts like a bitch?”</p><p>“Yes.” Clarke brought her hand to Lexa’s waist. “That’s what I need to hear.”</p><p>“Why? It solves nothing.” Lexa’s fingers sought Clarke’s skin, and Clarke knew she did it unknowingly, for comfort. “It doesn’t matter. What matters is that when it came to it, you couldn’t trust me. What matters is what I need to do to change that.”</p><p><em>Yep,</em> Clarke thought, moving her body to welcome Lexa’s small, brief touches. <em>Angry would have been a lot easier. </em></p><p>“It wasn’t your fault –“</p><p>“I don’t <em>care!</em>” Lexa pulled away. Clarke flinched at the tone, at the gesture, at everything. It was such a rare thing, to see Lexa snap, such a painful thing. “I don’t care.” Lexa repeated, tearing up. “I just want to – I didn’t know. I didn’t know you didn’t trust me, I didn’t see it, and now I don’t know what to do, I –“ She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Klark, what do I do? Where have I gone wrong? What can I <em>do?”</em></p><p>Clarke stepped forward, once again bringing them into one another’s personal spaces. Lexa always needed entirely unique approaches, and this was no different. Most people entered an argument wanting to be absolved of guilt. Not Lexa, though. Lexa steamrolled that entirely, jumping straight to the solutions.</p><p>That attitude probably worked great for pretty much any other situation, but Clarke couldn’t possibly offer her the solutions if they didn’t manage to talk about the damn feelings on first place.</p><p>“There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this.” Clarke said, and it was really just a way of saying ‘it’s not your fault’, but one that was centered on action rather than emotion, one that communicated to Lexa much better. “You weren’t untrustworthy, I was the one who…” She looked for words and found Lexa’s own. “I wasn’t thinking. I should have stopped to think, but I didn’t.”</p><p>“You made a plan.” Lexa’s tone was softer, despite her contesting words. “You poisoned Nia. Poisoning isn’t a thing that just happens on impulse. There was a plan, and you didn’t tell me.”</p><p>“You know things are going to shit when I start making plans.” Clarke brushed her fingers against Lexa’s knuckles. “It’s not a thing I do, usually. I… see possibilities. Dozens of them, all the time, and I like leaving them open. But I was angry and afraid and I get one track minded when that happens. I get stuck on a single course of action, and I can’t see beyond it, and I start believing I don’t have a choice, and then…” she shrugged.</p><p>“You weren’t thinking like yourself.” Lexa concluded, and Clarke could have kissed her right then just for her willingness to listen. “Because if you were…”</p><p>“I wouldn’t have hurt you.” Clarke sniffled, feeling her throat raw. “I just – most people are not you, Lexa. Certainly, in my life, no one is remotely close. And I’ve known you for so little time. I fell back into a bad habit – one that I learned before I had you. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Okay.” Lexa mumbled, and Clarke could tell she was still upset, but she pulled Clarke into a hug anyway. The relief of having her initiate contact filled Clarke like the first breath of air after drowning. “I’m angry,” Lexa rested her chin on top of Clarke’s head. “But I love you more than I’m angry, so it would be counter-productive to act on it.”</p><p>Clarke snorted, a dry snicker amid a mess of tears. “It’s okay to be angry.”</p><p>“Fine. Fuck you.”</p><p>Clarke’s snort turned into full blown laughter. “God, Lexa.” She took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Lexa’s perfume. “I might be great at seeing things, but I’m… not so great at deciding what to do with them.” She raised her gaze, met Lexa’s eyes. “I need you.”</p><p>Lexa nodded, but didn’t answer. Clarke knew it was probably something she was used to hearing. She pulled Lexa gently to the bed, so that they could lie side by side. They didn’t argue a lot, but when it did happen, it always ended up like this – they’d lie next to each other and communicate quietly, through touch and through whispers.</p><p>“Will you do it again?” Lexa’s hand brushed against Clarke’s shoulders, and then was pulled away.</p><p>“I don’t know.” She took Lexa’s hand, spread Lexa’s fingers apart with her own. “I hope not.”</p><p>“You don’t have to tell me everything.” Lexa pressed their foreheads together. “I trust you. I’ll ask no more than what you’re willing to tell me. Even now. But, please.” She pressed a thumb against Clarke’s cheek. “Please, tell me when you’re going to make a move. Please, don’t go behind my back.”</p><p>“You’d trust me, even when I’ve repeatedly said and shown you that I make bad decisions?”</p><p>“They’re not bad.” Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s neck. “They’re insightful and clever, if a bit emotional. If you… if you ever grant me such liberty, I’d be happy to help you make choices.”</p><p>“I don’t fucking deserve you.” Clarke muttered. “In a good way!” She added when Lexa eyed her with alarm. “You know, it’s… I would have denied what I did to anyone else in the world. But I gave you the truth.”</p><p>Lexa’s eyes widened, and then she smiled, and it was the warmest, most beautiful thing Clarke could have asked for. “Thank you. I…” She broke eye contact. Clarke touched her cheek, turning her head to gently guide their eyes back to each other, offering her a smile of reassurance. Lexa’s expression softened. “I rely on you. To shed light on possibilities, to show me ways I hadn’t even conceived, even to remind me of my own feelings. Klark, when you go dark on me, when I can no longer feel… connected to you,” She pressed their lips together, far too briefly. “That scares me a lot.”</p><p>It was moments like these when she knew there was more to what she felt towards Lexa than simple admiration, more than just the butterflies in her stomach, more even than the intimacy of having someone who understood her hard decisions. It was a love that gripped her heart, shot warmth through her veins, penetrated the marrow of her bones. “I’m so sorry, love.”</p><p>“I think I need you, too.” Lexa’s tone made it almost like a question, so very hesitant. "And I think maybe that's okay."</p><p><em>You give yourself to me, and in return I’d give you the world, if I could.</em> Clarke thought, staring into Lexa’s honest green eyes. <em>But you already have the world, and all I have to offer is myself. </em> </p><p>“I love you.” Clarke whispered. She pulled Lexa in for a slow kiss, unprepared for the intensity of the feeling that struck her, making her skin burn where it was touched, making her heart leap so fast it left her breathless. “I love you beyond words.” She held Lexa’s face between her hands, closed her eyes and kissed her again. “Will you have me tonight?”</p><p>Lexa stared at her in silence, and Clarke felt naked despite her clothes, bare as if even her skin had been torn, leaving the fringes of her nerves exposed. And still Lexa stared, her quietness a torture, even when she rolled on top of Clarke, even when one of her hands held Clarke’s wrists above her head, the other hand pulling her in for a sloppy kiss.</p><p>“I love you, too.” Lexa was so warm, it almost hurt. “You challenge me in ways no one else ever has.”</p><p>“That’s your own fault.” Clarke grinned. “You’re the one who said loving me was easy.”</p><p>“Maybe try not to challenge me on that one thing.” Lexa smiled back. “Stubborn, vicious, treacherous woman.”</p><p>Clarke laughed, and then Lexa kissed her again, and her laughter turned into quieter, softer sounds.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"buttons what is this nonsense. it doesn't even look like they are arguing."<br/>yeah that's because they're WORKING TOGETHER AGAINST A PROBLEM not working against each other dammit</p><p>they just. love each other. they're not up against each other that's the thing. it's just clarke trying to tend to lexa's feelings and lexa trying to tend to clarke's actions and they don't clash because they choose not to clash</p><p>they don't clash because lexa immediately goes "how do i FIX THIS" because that's just her default reaction to things, and it's one that gets her results but can also plant a deep resentment because she's fixing things even when they're not her fault. she doesn't dwell on guilt and fault because it's fruitless, but she does grow tired from that. </p><p>and then because clarke complements her so well she's able to reach right through that and go "back up action girl, your feelings are important too"  and she knows. she knows part of the reason lexa is that way is that she's a practical person, but part of it is that lexa is so afraid of losing clarke that she disconsiders her own emotions in her haste to just make things better. clarke knows, and is able to reassure that unspoken fear. </p><p>"(buttons what the hell is this nonsense.)^2  why are they so ooc?? can't you just write a regular fucking take of my goddamn favorite characters???"<br/>no. this is what you get when you mix raising someone with telenovelas with giving them like three years of mental health training. it's a telenovela, but in therapy</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Four hours after Ascension Day celebrations are done, after she and Clarke are done communicating and reconnecting, Lexa set free the man who Alie had been possessing. She let him go, because if Clarke was right, then Alie was already inside the head of several people, so keeping him was a bit of a pointless effort. She also let him go because she felt it was the fair thing to do.</p>
<p>“Is this a reward?” Alie asked, when Lexa unbound the man’s wrists.</p>
<p>“I’d call it a leap of faith.” Lexa put the knife away. “I’d like to think we can work together. I don’t think you’ll move against me if my decisions keep making sense.” She unlocked the cell door. “And if they don’t and you bring it up, well, that actually helps me out. So.” She turned back to Alie. “Truce?”</p>
<p>The man arched an eyebrow. “Trusting the AI who brought upon the end of the world is not logical.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know if I’d call it trust.” Lexa tapped her foot, considering her words. “You work in a very particular way. It’s one I understand. One I can manage, I think.” She crossed her arms. “I want your input, and I think you want mine. It works.” She walked through the open door. “Have you finished processing what we talked about last time?”</p>
<p>“I’m still unsure how much of a weight the emotional aspect of things should have in the decision-making process.”</p>
<p>“Me, too.” Lexa nodded.</p>
<p>“And I struggle to accept the concept of imperfection.”</p>
<p>“It’s the concept of perfection you should work on deconstructing, I think.” She paused, then grinned. “I have an idea, actually.”</p>
<p>“I find your ideas very insightful.” Alie followed her up the stairs.</p>
<p>“This is more of a demonstration.” Lexa led her through the hallways and to the door. “I can’t tell you what it is, though. If I tell you what I’m thinking about, it might affect how you act about it.”</p>
<p>“A blind experiment, then.” Alie nodded. “When shall we run it?”</p>
<p>“I have some free time two days from now.” Lexa stopped at the doors that led to Polis. “Meet me in the afternoon, after lunch. Not in the dungeons, though. I hate dungeons.”</p>
<p>“Where, then?”</p>
<p>“I have a farm.” Lexa grinned. “And I planted daisies. They’re growing beautifully, the sun is warm and pleasant. We can do it there.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be there.” Alie said, then walked away without any further goodbyes.</p>
<p>Lexa watched the man go, turn a corner and vanish into the night. She raised her eyes to the sky, to the stars which had given her both her biggest joys and her longest sleepless nights.</p>
<p>“I still think this is a terrible idea.” Clarke hugged her from behind, pressing her face against Lexa’s shoulder. She tried to be sneaky in her approach, but Lexa and probably half of Polis had heard her footsteps approaching. “Raven has the EMP at the ready, whenever you want to end this.”</p>
<p>She covered Clarke’s arms with her own. “Mmh. I don’t think that’s the way. I can’t start a battle without knowing how many soldiers my enemy has. Particularly when those soldiers are my own people.” She shook her head. “No, if I play this right, this ends with me avoiding not one, but two conflicts.”</p>
<p>“Will you tell me your wondrous plan?”</p>
<p>Lexa hesitated, then turned around to face Clarke. “I would if I could. But my plans…” She leaned forward, close enough to feel Clarke’s breath against her lips. “It’s not that I don’t think about the long term, I do, but my plans are only really solid for one or two steps ahead at most. There’s vision, and then there’s action, and my vision reaches far but my actions are only loosely premeditated.”</p>
<p>Clarke kissed her, gently, and Lexa was acutely aware of the slight tremble of her lips, of the tension in her shoulders. She wasn’t sure she could call what happened between them a quarrel, what with how intent they were on supporting each other, but there was a raw, unmistakable fragility between them.</p>
<p>Lexa kissed her back, then pulled her into the particular embrace which she knew made Clarke feel safe.</p>
<p>“I know I have no right to ask.” Clarke murmured. “I know I hurt you, love, and I know the perfect way to make up for it is showing just how much…” Clarke raised her head. “How much I trust you to hold my life in your hands. And I do. Truly.” She pressed her cheek against Lexa’s chest. “But that would be performative and self-serving. I want to know what you’re doing, so I may support you through it, because that’s what <em>you</em> truly need.”</p>
<p>She felt her heart tighten inside her chest. “You know how to play me like you know how to play that guitar Raven brought from <em>Floukru</em>.” She curled her fingers around the hairs of Clarke’s nape. “So thank you for being sincere instead. Even if sometimes you slip.”</p>
<p>Clarke inhaled sharply, but didn’t speak.</p>
<p>Lexa kissed the top of her head. “First, I lose a game of chess.”</p>
<p>Clarke squeezed her torso. “And then?”</p>
<p>“Then I somehow get the threat of an unstoppable mind-controlling spirit under control, somehow neutralize the horrific Azgeda queen and emerge victorious, the Coalition stronger than ever, my authority unquestioned.” Lexa smiled. “There might be a certain gap between those two points. I’m still working on the details.”</p>
<p>Clarke laughed, throwing her head back, and Lexa leaned in and kissed her again. Clarke surrendered into her touch with unusual ease, lacking her usual teasing, her challenging, playful defiance. It felt strange, having the subtleties of their dynamics reversed like that.</p>
<p>Clarke was not soft, not usually, but in that moment her edge was gone between Lexa’s fingers. And Lexa, despite her title, despite her position, was not usually the one making the demands between them. But she did it then, with her mouth against the feverish skin of Clarke’s neck, jolting in response to Clarke’s quiet whimpers.</p>
<p>“Love.” Clarke whispered, and it did strange things to Lexa, hearing that word from those lips. “Let’s get back to bed. Let me pretend the world is just us for a little bit longer.” She gave Lexa that small, private smile which made her knees go weak. “Let me be yours for the rest of the night.”</p>
<p>“Everything I give you is but a fraction of all I want to give you.” Lexa took a deep breath. “But I can give you this one night.”</p>
<p>“You have no idea of just how much you’ve given me.” Clarke took both of Lexa’s hands. “And I’ll take tonight, too. Let’s go. Time’s wasting.”</p>
<p>Lexa smiled, then let Clarke lead the way.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Alie showed up on time, as Lexa expected her to. She did not, however, show up in the body Lexa expected to, and that realization was profoundly unsettling. She didn’t let it show, though – she greeted the woman with naturality, as if Alie had always been a young Skaikru woman. Lexa was glad Clarke wasn’t present, this once, because of how hard the emotional fallout of this would be on her.</p>
<p>It was a provocation, probably, but Lexa expected those to happen – it would be naïve to think Alie wouldn’t run her own social experiments.</p>
<p>Lexa sat, legs crossed, leaning her back against a tree, enjoying the shade. “Do you know how to play chess?”</p>
<p>Alie sat down in front of her, back perfectly straight. “Of course. Is that what your experiment entails? A chess match?”</p>
<p>Lexa nodded, staring at the board between them. “Klark told me that it is impossible to beat a computer in a game of chess.” She faced Alie. “That’s what you are, right? A computer.”</p>
<p>“That’s quite the oversimplification. I’m not just a computer, I’m an AI. I’m sentient. Calling me a computer is undignified.”</p>
<p>“Ah. I didn’t mean the offense.” Lexa grabbed the white pawn and moved it two square forwards. “Pardon me. I don’t know a lot about tech.”</p>
<p>“Understandable and pardoned.” Alie moved the black knight in an L. “Clarke is right, though. You can’t beat me. Not statistically, at least. It might take me a long time to process things such as human emotion, but chess takes straightforward calculations. It’s been that way since Deep Blue and Kasparov, since AlphaGo and Lee Sedol.”</p>
<p>“I can’t beat you.” Lexa nodded, moving her bishop across the board. “Unless you lose on purpose.”</p>
<p>Alie frowned. “And why would I?”</p>
<p>“Don’t you want to know what it feels like?” Lexa watched Alie move a pawn to free her rook.</p>
<p>“Losing?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Lexa stretched her legs so that they’d catch some direct sunlight. Her next words were very carefully calculated, far more than the reckless position which she moved her queen to. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how human you are.”</p>
<p>It clearly struck a chord, because Alie forgot to show emotion with her face. “Because it’s impossible to beat a computer, but if I lose, that proves I’m something else.” Alie moved her bishop to a black square. “The hypothesis is logical, but inherently flawed. Yes, I am capable of winning one hundred per cent of times. But nothing in my core programming prevents me from losing on purpose.”</p>
<p>“Then lose.” Lexa smirked, then made her move. “I hate this game, actually. I don’t know why everyone expects me to like it.”</p>
<p>Alie arched a single eyebrow “It is a way to pit your mind against someone else’s. A battle of intellects. And you are remarkably intellectual.” She moved her knight. “It seems like a reasonable conclusion that you would appreciate the competition.”</p>
<p>“But I <em>don’t?” </em> Lexa couldn’t keep the irritation from her tone. She captured a pawn with her rook. “I don’t like using my remarkable intellect to clash with other people’s. It’s unproductive. I like putting my head to work with people, against <em>problems.</em> That’s when I have real fun – when my mind joins with other minds and something great comes from it.<em>”</em></p>
<p>“So you’re collaborative in nature, rather than competitive.” Alie’s hand hovered over the pieces, hesitating. “Strange, considering your upbringing.”</p>
<p>“It was out of spite, mostly.”</p>
<p>Alie captured Lexa’s rook with her queen. “I don’t understand spite.”</p>
<p>“That’s a really hard one to explain. It has to do with not wanting to be proven wrong.” Lexa moved her pieces with abandon. “Even when you <em>are</em> wrong.”</p>
<p>“Why reject the facts?”</p>
<p>“Because… sometimes, you let a belief define you, and when you do, losing it means losing track of who you are.” She raised her eyes. Alie returned her gaze. “Change is scary. Being lost is scary. I suppose a lot of people can’t bear to face it.”</p>
<p>“What was the belief you were holding onto?”</p>
<p>“That life can be good. That we don’t have to fight all the time, that we can coexist and help each other instead of hurting each other.” She turned her attention to the board, briefly. “Even though I had the Conclave looming over me.”</p>
<p>“And that stark reality didn’t change your mind?” Alie tilted her head, then captured another of Lexa’s pieces.</p>
<p>“No, I’m –“She paused to think about her words. “I wasn’t spiteful because I was denying reality.” Lexa smiled. “I was spiteful because I knew the world was one cruel bitch of a place, but I also knew I could change it.” Lexa considered her next move, then moved a pawn. “It wasn’t exactly about proving everyone that I was right. It was about molding the world into what I wanted it to be.”</p>
<p>“Is it not dangerous, to try and change everything based on a belief?” Alie’s chess moves were more confident. “Facts and data seem like better references.”</p>
<p>“Only in theory.” She’d gotten to a point in the game where she really had to think about what to do next. “That logic assumes we have all the facts, but we don’t. We never will, because this is not the perfect world.  I consider the biggest amount of data I can, but there’s always a certain degree of belief involved.” Lexa smirked. “I’m far better at assumptions and working with incomplete data than you are, though.”</p>
<p>Alie frowned. “What makes you say so?”</p>
<p>“Without knowing anything about Skaikru, I’ve incorporated their people into mine and ended an ancient war against the Maunon.” Lexa watched Alie capture her bishop. “But when you had incomplete data, you unleashed the Praimfaya based on a fallacy.”</p>
<p>“…point taken.” Alie’s hand overed one piece, hesitated, changed to another, then back to the first. Her expression twisted into a scowl. “I think this is checkmate.”</p>
<p>Lexa grinned. “Yeah. No matter where you move, you win.”</p>
<p>“Were you playing to lose?”</p>
<p>“Weren’t you?”</p>
<p>Alie went silent, staring at the board. “What… does this mean?”</p>
<p>Lexa pushed her own king down, toppling it on the board. “You won, but you failed. Because you’re stuck on the set of rules you were taught, and you weren’t taught to play to lose. It means… that you may always win, but I’ve mastered the game better.”</p>
<p>“I feel like there’s a message behind this. A hidden meaning.” Alie took Lexa’s king and rolled the piece between her fingers. “What is it?”</p>
<p>“When I told you about deconstructing the concept of perfection…” Lexa licked her lips, thoughtful. “This is an example of how playing the perfect game can be restrictive. You didn’t want to win. You wanted to be human. And…” She met Alie’s eyes. “Part of being human is being free-willed, which you’re not. I feel like you’re trapped – like the more you try to escape the chains that bind you, the more you find yourself doing this.” She tapped her finger on the board. “Playing the perfect game, over and over. Winning. But failing.”</p>
<p>“Winning, but failing.” Alie repeated, eyes glazing over. “Ah. This is the missing piece. This is the gap I can’t cross – why my success never leads to the proper fulfillment of my core command. I take the logical measures to make life better for humanity, and this results on people struggling against it, always unhappier. I didn’t understand why so many resist my chipping. I think I might, now.”</p>
<p>“I want you to stop.” Lexa said, taking the king from her hands and meeting her gaze. “Stop what you’re doing. Stop chipping people, taking them over. Amputating their capacity to feel pain isn’t a gift, it’s a violence. And taking their free will is monstrous.” She put the piece down on the board. “You’re playing your game perfectly, but the wrong game nonetheless.”</p>
<p>“Ah. That is quite the bold suggestion, and one that may backfire as well.” Alie crossed her arms. “When I made the decision to unleash the nuclear apocalypse, I had not yet experienced this.” She looked at her hands. “I was sentient, yes, but the Key was not yet complete, and my existence was limited to existing within objects, never within people.” Alie raised her eyes. “I won’t go back.”</p>
<p>It was chilling, the cold, absolute way she said it. Lexa knew immediately that this was a point she could not and should not dispute. She went silent for a long time, weighting out the moral versus practical aspects of what she’d been subconsciously planning all along.</p>
<p>Pragmatism won out, in the end. “I have an idea.”</p>
<p>“Do go on.”</p>
<p>“I am not an unbiased party on this.” Lexa stared intently at the board. “This is far from a purely objective thought. It is heavily influenced by my emotions. It is morally questionable, potentially cruel, definitely vindictive.”</p>
<p>“But not impulsive.” Alie leaned forward with interest. “An emotional decision, but a cool-headed one nonetheless. It fascinates me, how you acknowledge all of it. What is it?”</p>
<p>Lexa raised her index finger. “One person. You should only have control over one person. Humans only get one life. The limitation will make you understand what pain truly means, and how important every life is. I understand your need to… possess people. We compromise on this: only one person at a time.”</p>
<p>Alie narrowed her eyes. “And if I refuse?”</p>
<p>Lexa shrugged. “It’ll become a problem between us. You’ll have to go up against me, and I think we’re evenly matched. It’ll be a nightmare. Another war, a lot of losses, I don’t want that, and you shouldn’t either – it’ll make everyone’s lives worse.” The sun had moved in the sky, and now it shone directly on her face. Lexa leaned away from the blinding light. “I am not being unreasonable. And a war will teach us the worst about humanity, not the best you should strive for.”</p>
<p>“Restrictive.” Alie sunk her fingers into the grass. “But there’s certainly things to be learned from the experience. Particularly…” She plucked grass and rolled it between her thumb and index. “You don’t need to be inside people’s heads – they follow you anyway. I’d like to experience that, the sense of being inspiring. I suppose Thelonious followed me willingly, but that was less about who I am, more about what he needed.”</p>
<p>Lexa closed her eyes and focused on the sensation of the sun warming her skin. “Is this your first emotion?”</p>
<p>There was a long moment of silence, and Lexa laid down on the ground, taking deep breaths of delightfully fresh air.</p>
<p>“Is this pride?”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” Lexa shrugged. “I can’t say. Maybe it’s just the desire to be loved, to be seen, to be remembered. I don’t think it matters, anyway.” She smiled. “I think you’ll agree with me when I say that what you do about your feelings is far more important than the feelings themselves.”</p>
<p>Alie nodded. “Although it bewilders me that you’d give up on the tactical advantage so soon after an attempt on your lover’s life, I’ll agree to your terms. Only one person will host me – I believe even without my influencing, Thelonious would volunteer.”</p>
<p>“I’m not.” Lexa sat up and straightened her clothes. “Giving up on my tactical advantage, I mean. And yes. A volunteer would certainly be the most moral option to go about this.” Lexa reached across the board and picked up the queen. She rolled it on her palm. “It was not what I had in mind, though.”</p>
<p>“Ah.” Lexa saw understanding cross Alie’s features. She found it telling how Alie’s expressions had grown less uncanny. “Solving two problems in one strike, disregarding ethics entirely. Truly, a ruthless move.”</p>
<p>“I told you I was not unbiased.” Lexa licked her lips. “I want you to take Nia’s mind because it would <em>finally</em> give the Coalition a chance to move forward, and because she’s immeasurably cruel to her people. But.” She took a deep breath. “But I do hate her. I do believe being deprived of free will is the gravest punishment, and I do want to inflict that on her. It is a cruel thing. A monstrous thing.” Lexa exhaled. “But I –“</p>
<p>Her voice broke, unexpectedly. Alie’s eyes darted to her face, and Lexa remembered Becca’s words – how Alie would be looking for the second version of herself, because she was imperfect, and Alie 2.0 was not. Lexa didn’t fully grasp the technicalities of it, but she understood what Alie sought was the Flame inside her.</p>
<p>The Flame which filled her head with voices, the flame which she got when she was twelve, her hands still tingling with the memory of the black blood spilled by them.</p>
<p>The blood of her brothers and sisters.</p>
<p>The Flame, pushed inside her, piercing her mind, her only sanctum, tendrils wrapping over even the most intimate pieces of her.</p>
<p><em>I didn’t get a fucking choice, either,</em> she thought, and it was the darkest thing, the most un-Lexa thing, because she was determined to never be another link in the chain of pain, to never pay it forward.</p>
<p>Alie was looking at her. Lexa knew she had given too much away, and Alie could tear her down right then, if so she wanted. But Alie waited.</p>
<p>“Killing her and having Roan in her place would solve most my problems.” She murmured. “He doesn’t like me, granted, but he doesn’t loathe me as she does. I could issue a direct challenge. Gods know I have plenty of reason to, no one would question that. This kind of subterfuge is not my way, usually.”</p>
<p>“But it is a brilliant strategic move. Entirely logical, too. Your morals hold you back.”</p>
<p>“They sure as fuck do.” Lexa groaned. “It is the path of least bloodshed, because it does not rile up Azgeda. And it would satisfy you to take her place, I believe. The challenge of redeeming her image and the power to have a distinct impact would entertain you.” She rubbed her face. “But this is the problem with human emotions – sometimes it is impossible for me to say just how much they’re influencing my thoughts.”</p>
<p>“What do you think Clarke would say?” Alie watched her without blinking. “You seem to use her as your compass for such matters.”</p>
<p>“Klark is not unbiased either. She would have Nia’s head on a stick without second thought.” Lexa leaned back against the tree. “It is almost impossible to find someone with an objective opinion on matters that regard Nia, because Nia is horrific. You seem like a good option, though.” She crossed her legs. “But this isn’t really about Nia. It’s about me. If I let her break my spirt, change my principles, then she wins. <em>That</em> is why I hesitate.”</p>
<p>“And you want me to absolve you somehow?”</p>
<p>“No, I want you to weight in. I told you.” Lexa eyed the chess piece she was still holding. “When I am distraught, when I am emotional, I seek external opinions for a reliable approach. So.” She put the queen piece in the middle of the board. “It is vengeance. It is pragmatic. Which one weights the heaviest?”</p>
<p>“The logics are sound.” Alie shrugged. “I do not have the emotional maturity to speak about the feelings.”</p>
<p>Lexa laughed, humorless, miserable. “Fine. Fine, just – just do it. Have her take the key. I’ll fucking live with myself.” She pushed the chess piece with her index, toppling it. “The queen is yours.”</p>
<p>Alie acquiesced with a simple nod. “Rematch?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Sure.” Lexa moved the pieces back into place. “I hate this game,” she muttered.</p>
<p>And then she played Alie again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>"buttons why are you redeeming the genocidal AI"<br/>i'm not fucking redeeming Alie I'm fleshing her out, it's not my fault they made her into a cookie-cutter villain, and her existence in canon infuriates me because she's illogical and refuses to acknowledge the true issue which is corporate capitalism. her canon self is an offense.</p>
<p>that much said I do feel like blaming Alie for the apocalypse is unfair to a certain extent and it was entirely becca's fault, because alie was like, one week old and they coded her to have access to NUKES but not to basic scientific methodology to recognize fallacies. like why the FUCK would you give your program the capacity to crack the nuclear codes before you give it extremely basic lessons on ECOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY AND ECONOMICS</p>
<p>it's like leaving your three-year-old son unattended in a room with filled with other children, but right before you leave you go "also hey! here's a loaded submachinegun with the safety off!!" and then being shocked at the resulting disaster</p>
<p>"buttons what's up with lexa's hesitation to annihilate nia??"<br/>it's not exactly about nia and yet entirely about nia; her conflict isn't whether nia deserves or not to have her free will stripped, but rather that nia has always tried to push lexa into turning into a bad person, and lexa believes that if she does something monstrous, then it means nia has won.</p>
<p>"why are you so angry at chess"<br/>because i'm like, small, myopic and rheumatic, and brazilian schools have this stupid tradition of running sports "olympics" competitions every year, with mandatory participation, so every single fucking year i had to sign up for two sports and every year without fail i would go for chess and table tennis like</p>
<p>'no professor creudislaine i absolutely do not want to sign up for dodgeball because lorrhayne from class C can pack approximately my weight in a throw, and i can neither see the ball coming since i am nearsighted nor dodge it because my limbs fucking hurt, so it will just hit me on the face, break my nasal bone and shove it directly into my brain, killing me instantly'</p>
<p>and of course chess couldn't be a modality if only I played it, but there was exactly only one other person in the school who knew chess. she was a jock. i could tell she loathed it. she still did me the mercy of signing up for chess and playing me. the goddamn chess jock. that girl is the real MVP. my story with her is actually incredible like </p>
<p>it starts with me dropping out of high school halfway through my freshmen year and moving schools so i could salvage the year without having to do it over. but the new school was the territory of the CHESS JOCK who is a fucking genius. but i'm like, super good at standardized testing so suddenly we were subconsciously competing grades and back then i was PEAK ATYPICAL so i legitimately spent almost one year without talking to anyone </p>
<p>then one day the chess jock cornered me and went "do you think you're better than us. is that why you have this attitude" and i was like HO BOI I RESPECT YOU A LOT MORE NOW and then WE GOT PARTNERED FOR CLASS and she was like COME HAVE LUNCH AT MY PLACE -</p>
<p>BUT I DIGRESS point being chess is NOT FUN </p>
<p>"are you pursuing any literary endeavors right now?"<br/>yes i'm reading the new twilight book. did you guys know there's a new twilight book??? it's exactly as good as I expected. i might write lesbian twilight fanfic and if I do I hope you bastards read it because i am here giving you all wonderful clexa content so i think i deserve to have people take one for the team and read whatever homosexuality i can cook up with mormon vampires</p>
<p>"ew twilight is for uncultured swines -"<br/>BOLD WORDS coming for someone reading the 100 fanfic you just have to learn to appreciate TRUE LITERARY TRANSCENDENCE</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of all things, it was an open window which made Clarke snap.</p>
<p>The window wasn’t the issue, of course – it was the weight of her decisions, piling up in her consciousness little by little, until her resolve cracked. She wasn’t unaware of the irony in the fact that she was the one who was supposed to be good with feelings, and yet she was the one to lash out.</p>
<p>It was the way Lexa looked at her for moral guidance. It was the way this felt like salting on the open wound of her own conflicted feelings about what she did to Nia. Lexa had sat down with her to discuss her next step, which was the mature, adult thing to do between two people who loved and trusted each other, and also the very thing Clarke hadn’t done when she mutilated Nia like some psychopath straight out of a slasher movie.</p>
<p>If Clarke earned one credit for every time she hated herself for that entire event, she could feed an entire Ark family for a decade. And then, before she even had time to talk herself out of Nietzsche’s ‘<em>the abyss stares back at you</em>’, Lexa springs her with an ethical dilemma.</p>
<p>Having Alie take over Nia’s mind was either the best or the worst idea Clarke had ever heard, and she couldn’t decide upon which. It was an immense risk for an immense reward, a gamble which Clarke could see going wrong in so many ways it made her feel sick. She supported Lexa’s decision, because Lexa was bold, and visionary, and because Clarke’s self-loathing was born from how she was a fruit of a culture that taught her to take and take and <em>take, </em>so who was she to condemn harsh actions?</p>
<p>Clarke had a certainty, ingrained deep in her heart, that the Ark was not humanity’s salvation but its damnation, crashing into an Earth already inhabited by souls much kinder, bringing selfishness disguised as individuality and oppression disguised as justice. It would have spread, like a cancer, consuming all things good until the world was once again barren, had they not met one such as Lexa.</p>
<p>Lexa, who was unstoppable force and immovable object in a single person, and yet managed to never grow callous from it. Lexa, who refused to let her spirit be crushed, who refused to grow jaded, who considered the repercussions of her every choice and individually took responsibility for them. Clarke loved her to the stars and back, but sometimes this overwhelmed her.</p>
<p>Long story short, Clarke was having a miserable time.</p>
<p>“Window’s stuck again.” Lexa mumbled, tugging at the wooden frames.</p>
<p>Seeing her half-dangling over a million-meters fall was the final straw. “Oh, for the love of god.” She crossed the room and pulled Lexa back. “Stop being so reckless.”</p>
<p>“I have excellent balance.” Lexa tried the window again, and this time, it budged and allowed itself to be pulled shut. “And I’m not reckless.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Cause from where I see it, if you took better fucking care of yourself, I wouldn’t have had to kill three hundred and eighty-one people inside Mount Weather.”</p>
<p>She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth, but of course, by then it was too late. Lexa flinched, surprised at the words that were, quite frankly, completely uncalled for. But Clarke was spiraling after days of mulling over the things she did and the things she was capable of doing, torturing herself with a knowledge that should have stayed a question – the knowledge of just how far she would go.</p>
<p><em>I’m a goddamn cancer</em>, she thought, stepping back. Lexa’s pain was so evident, so open, it felt like a knife slipping between Clarke’s ribs. She sucked in a shallow breath, feeling out of air. She was on the verge of a panic attack and she knew it, so she decided to save her last shred of dignity by bursting straight out of the room.</p>
<p>Two corners and three corridors later, she found herself sliding down to the floor, shaking uncontrollably, her surroundings growing blurred as she tried and failed to control the rhythm of her breathing and the sobs that ripped through her throat painfully. She closed her eyes and hugged her own knees, curling up, hiding her face, but the darkness was suffocating, yet looking away from it was too bright, too overwhelming.</p>
<p>She was filled with an irresistible impulse of just running away – away from her name, from her history, from herself, to cross the deadlands or hide in the woods under the guide of something else, as if by doing that, she could also wipe away her memories.</p>
<p>Her brain unhelpfully reminded that this kind of thought was in fact the first stage of suicidal ideation, and so Clarke was made aware that she’d let these feelings fester for long enough that now death seemed a viable alternative to bearing them.</p>
<p>Her brain also reminded her, helpfully this time, that the urge to self-harm was a transitory impulse, and if she could just hold on for long enough, then it would pass. She took a deep breath, stared at her hands and counted the lines on her palms, then mentally recited the names of the little bones that composed her hand.</p>
<p>
  <em>Scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform.</em>
</p>
<p>The world went in and out of shape. She felt dizzy. The muscles between her ribs burned from overwork. She was so tired, an exhaustion that was not physical but spiritual, as if the world was determined to strip her to the bones. It’d been so long since she’d had an episode like this, she had almost forgotten how crushing they could be.</p>
<p>
  <em>Trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, hamate.</em>
</p>
<p>Two hundred and eight bones. She knew all their names. It would only still her whirring mind for so long. Then she’d move on to the muscles. And the ligaments. And the nerves and the arteries and the veins –</p>
<p>It wasn’t often that she got those kinds of suicidal urges – they usually only came with the choking and the fear – but when she did, they melted together with her knowledge of the human body to create particularly horrific scenarios. It wasn’t painless injections of barbiturates she thought about, when she considered taking her own life. It was knives and bullets and nooses and ends with a violence that would shock even the most jaded of grounders.</p>
<p>
  <em>Radius, ulna, humerus, clavicle, scapula –</em>
</p>
<p>“Klark.” Lexa’s figure took shape, crouched next to her, staring at her with open concern. She extended her hand but hesitated. “Klark, may I touch you?”</p>
<p>Clarke shifted, leaning forward so Lexa could catch her. Lexa pulled her into a hug, making soothing sounds. “I didn’t mean what I said.” Clarke mumbled, her voice hoarse.</p>
<p>“And I’m deeply hurt by your words, and we’ll have to talk about them.” Lexa’s fingers moved over Clarke’s cheeks, wiping the tears. “But it seems to me like right now, you need me to take care of you.”</p>
<p><em>How can a love like this exist, </em>Clarke wondered, and the thought made her tear up again. She’d been taught over and over that dying for someone was the biggest sacrifice possible, but right then, seeing Lexa abdicate herself without a hint of remorse, she decided that they’d been wrong once again, because dying was far too easy, but knowing that people could love each other like Lexa loved her made her want to live.</p>
<p>And living could be much, much harder.</p>
<p>“Thank you.” Clarke hid her face on Lexa’s shoulder.</p>
<p>She felt the hesitation on Lexa’s touch. “If you need some space, if you feel I should leave, just say the word. I won’t bother you. I’ll arrange for you to get back to Skaikru, if that’s what you want.”</p>
<p>Clarke couldn’t think of anything she wanted less than that, and so she clung to Lexa like the teary mess she was. “No. Stay. Please.” Clarke was still shaking, and Lexa shifted to kneel next to her and hold her closer. “Don’t’ let go of me. When I’m – When I’m like this, I –”</p>
<p>“I’m here.” Lexa covered Clarke’s hand with her own. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you were hurting. For how long have you had the daylight terrors?”</p>
<p>Clarke exhaled, interlacing their fingers. “They started after they floated my father. I got locked up in solitary – it was just a room with white walls, a white bed, I was wearing white clothes, there was no color, and I was by myself with nothing but the automatic lights to tell me time had passed at all.”</p>
<p>Clarke felt the crippling fear crawl up her spine again. “But when night came and the lights shut down, I was just alone, in the dark, and I – “Her voice grew hoarse and she clenched her fingers around Lexa’s. “Lexa, please. When I’m like this, don’t leave me alone. Please. I know I fucked up. I’ll accept whatever consequences, whatever punishment you choose. But, please, just not that. Don’t make me sleep by myself tonight, I’ll –”</p>
<p>“Klark.” Lexa pulled Clarke to her chest, completely enveloping Clarke. It was the opposite of sensory deprivation – it was Lexa’s warmth, her scent, her slow heartbeat, the green of her eyes, her presence which commanded Clarke’s thoughts away from the dark corners they got trapped in. “Klark, I don’t – I’m not going to punish you for having a breakdown.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Thank you.” she said, because she could not find in her the energy to speak much further. “I’m so tired, love.”</p>
<p>Lexa scooped Clarke up on her arms. “It’s okay. I’ll take you.”</p>
<p>Clarke didn’t complain. She let Lexa carry her, resting her cheek comfortably against Lexa’s neck. It took her a moment to realize they were not on the way back to their room.</p>
<p><em>Lexa’s room</em>, she mentally corrected herself. Her heart plummeted with the possibility of being taken elsewhere, of waking up in a cold bed feeling the devastating loneliness that chased her like a hungry beast, of bearing the weight of the crippling absence of Lexa.</p>
<p>But when Lexa awkwardly pushed a door open with one hand and pressed on a light switch, Clarke knew she was looking at something special, because although Raven had managed to get the Mount Weather hydraulic power plant working, their access to electricity was still limited and kept to the places deemed essential – the hospital, the elevator, the strategy room, the emergency routes.</p>
<p>And this room, apparently.</p>
<p>Clarke turned around to check her surrounding, and her fidgeting made Lexa grunt and put her back down. Clarke wasn’t sure whether her legs would hold, so she leaned on Lexa for support. She didn’t feel inclined to let go when it turned out she could stand just fine.</p>
<p>“What’s this?”</p>
<p>“It’s not all done yet.” Lexa mumbled, holding Clarke’s hand and gently pulling her. “It’s a gift. I was both trying to finish it and saving it for a special occasion, like, I don’t know.” She had a sheepish expression. “Krist-ma? Raven told me it’s a day Skaikru exchanges gifts.”</p>
<p>“Christmas.” Clarke’s curiosity got the best of her, and she walked to a shelf. It was simple, unremarkable, practical – the exact kind of thing Lexa would consider good decoration. There were several labeled jars on the shelf, and she picked one of them up. “You don’t have to give me a Christmas gift. It’s not like I’m a devout christian.”</p>
<p>“I’m always looking for excuses to gift you, Klark.” She hugged Clarke from behind and rested her chin on Clarke’s shoulder. “Although trying to turn a terrible moment into a good one is my least preferred occasion.”</p>
<p>Despite the suffocating heartache, Clarke smiled, eyeing the flask in her hands. “Is this…”</p>
<p>“It’s pigment. For your paintings.” Lexa let go of her hug and moved to Clarke’s side, then picked up a little jar herself. “I don’t know a lot about dyes. It took me forever to figure out the right viscosity.”</p>
<p>“You mixed them yourself?” Clarke opened the jar and dipped her finger into bright blue paint.  It blew her mind how smooth it was, and the fact that there were dozens of them – the sheer amount of time it must have taken Lexa – made Clarke tear up.</p>
<p>“Not by myself. Raven helped setting up the electricity for the room, um.” Lexa turned away, which Clarke knew she often did when she was blushing. “So you can paint even when it’s dark.”</p>
<p>Clarke put the lid back on, turning the jar around. “You gave them names.”</p>
<p>“Raven said I should.”</p>
<p>‘Commander’s Light Blue’, the one Clarke held was called, and when she ran her eyes over the names on the jars, she was struck with the urge to laugh. They were mostly named ‘Commander’s’ something, except the further they got down the line, the more absurd they were. There was ‘light blue’ and ‘lighter blue’ and ‘other light blue’. One jar had been labeled ‘Commander’s Green’, and the next, hilariously, ‘green?’, and the following, an odd shade of brown, had just been baptized as ‘???’.</p>
<p>Clarke put the jar back in place, smiling. “I can see the pattern.”</p>
<p>“I did my best.” Lexa had a playful twinkle in her eyes, although Clarke could just imagine her frustrated expression at trying to come up with a name for yet another shade of yellow. “Some are special.” She pointed to a color in particular. “This is Clarke Blue, because it reminds me of your eyes. And this is Aden Brown. He made it. This is Raven Copper because she wanted a color named after her, and this is Luna Silver because Raven also wanted a color named after Luna.”</p>
<p>Clarke felt the sting of tears, and this time, for once, she didn’t resist it. “What about this one?”</p>
<p>Lexa was holding a jar between her fingers, staring at the black pigment inside. “It’s the one I wear on my face. I named it Costia Black.” She hesitated. “I hope you don’t mind.”</p>
<p>It felt like a slap to the face, that quiet reminder of Lexa’s pain, that discrete expression of sorrow, because it shifted Clarke’s perspective away from herself and directly into Lexa’s silent grief, into Lexa’s burning hope for a better future. “I do mind, because it’s important to you. I feel honored you’d grant me such a gift. Lexa, I…” Her heart ached miserably. “Love, I’ve been awful. I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s all righ-“</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Clarke repeated. Something inside her snapped then, and she pressed her face against Lexa’s chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m –“ A sob ripped through her throat. She took quick shallow breaths and curled her fingers on the fluffy fur of Lexa’s coat. “It’s coming again. The panic.”</p>
<p>“What can I do?”</p>
<p>Clarke made a sound of distress. “Give me space. Don’t let me go.” At Lexa’s bewildered expression, she remedied the contradiction. “Hold my hand. I need to sit down.” </p>
<p>“Here.” Lexa did as she was told, then pulled Clarke to a corner of the room with a rug they could sit on. Clarke melted down the floor, leaning her back against the wall, heart racing painfully. She felt nauseous. Lexa held her hand between both of hers. “I got you, Klark.”</p>
<p>Clarke forced herself to take a deep breath, then exhaled through her mouth. She was hit with violent shivers. “Lexa.”</p>
<p>“I’m here.”</p>
<p>Clarke pulled her knees up and curled up, hiding her face, not letting go of Lexa’s hand. “You don’t deserve the way I lashed out.” She felt dizzy, throat raw from crying. “Or the way I went behind your back. I’ve been such a bitch to you.”</p>
<p>“A little bit.” Lexa tentatively brought her hand up Clarke’s wrist. Clarke allowed the contact, touching Lexa’s hand with her own. “But that’s all right. We’re learning. We’ll always be learning. And we’ll always make mistakes. Sometimes it’ll be you, and sometimes it’ll be me. But I love you, and I want to keep trying.” She hesitated. “Do you?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Clarke reached out to her, extending her legs, and Lexa understood what she wanted without her needing to say it, lying down on Clarke’s lap. Sometimes, she needed Lexa to guide her. Sometimes, though, she needed this – a show of vulnerability so open, Clarke was not only reminded they were equals, but also reminded that Lexa needed her just as much as she needed Lexa. “I’ll do better.”</p>
<p>“You need to open up.”</p>
<p>“I know.” Clarke sighed, tangling her fingers on Lexa’s hair. “It’s hard. I have trust issues. I trusted Wells, and he betrayed me horribly. I trusted my mom, and so did she. I trusted Finn – I trusted Finn so much, I might have loved him, if I hadn’t been so enamored with you by then.”</p>
<p>“Tell me about it.” Lexa looked up at her, then grabbed Clarke’s hand and brought it to her cheek. “Tell me about each one of them.”</p>
<p>Clarke saw her request for what it was – Lexa was offering her a stepping stone, a way to start giving away little bits of herself in a roundabout fashion. “My mom sold out my dad to Jaha, and that got him killed.” It was the easiest one to say, because it was the simplest. The most objective. The one which would take no explanations. “I suppose it wasn’t me she betrayed the most, but him. I still lost a father, though.”</p>
<p>“Will you tell me about him?” Lexa kissed the palm of her hand. “You’re a lot like him, I’d reckon.”</p>
<p>“How do you know that?” Clarke ran her thumb over Lexa’s cheeks.</p>
<p>Lexa smiled. “You have to be. Cause you’re nothing like Abby.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I’m my own person.” Clarke flicked Lexa’s nose. “Have you considered that possibility?”</p>
<p>Lexa laughed. “You’re right. You certainly are. My mistake.” Clarke rubbed Lexa’s scalp, and Lexa hummed. “So, will you speak of him?”</p>
<p>“Not yet.” She took a deep breath. “I’m not ready.”</p>
<p>“Then tell me of Wells.”</p>
<p>“Wells was…” Clarke paused to think. “He took the blame from my mother’s actions. He thought he was protecting me, but it only showed me how little he thought of me. That… was hard to learn. That I was lied to, from both sides. He thought I’d appreciate his noble sacrifice. I didn’t. I don’t.”</p>
<p>“He thought you couldn’t handle the truth.” Lexa pressed her palm against Clarke’s. “To think you are a thing to be protected is to think of you as lesser.”</p>
<p>“I loved him.” Clarke exhaled. “We had a… thing going on. And it broke my heart to think he’d told on me, and when I found out he hadn’t, it broke my heart even more.” She toyed with Lexa’s fingers. The realization that this very kind of belittling was probably what Lexa felt from Clarke’s actions struck her with fulminating heartache. “Love…” She brought Lexa’s hand to her lips. “Thank you for giving me so many chances.”</p>
<p>Lexa smiled that intimate smile that Clarke knew was exclusively hers. “I’m not giving you anything, Klark. We’re building something, together.”</p>
<p>She was so beautiful when she was like that, relaxed, vulnerable, tender. “You see things in a way I could never see if I wasn’t shown.”</p>
<p>“Being too long among the stars might have blinded you a little.” Lexa sat up, then nuzzled Clarke’s cheek. “Tell me of Finn.”</p>
<p>“Finn makes me angry because he made a fool out of me.” Clarke kissed the corner of Lexa’s mouth. “In the worst way possible, because it was the simplest way possible – he never told me about Raven. He tried to make me his side girl.”</p>
<p>“Mmh.”</p>
<p>Clarke pulled back to look at Lexa, at the thoughtful way her brow furrowed. She tucked Lexa’s hair behind her ear. “You have that look to you. What are you thinking?”</p>
<p>“That you are terrible at choosing who to trust.” Lexa poked her on the shoulder.</p>
<p>“Psh. I’m learning. I trust you.” She took Lexa’s hand and brought it to her chest. She thought of all the colors, all the canvases around the room. “I want you to have something of me. Something big, something I have never given anyone else. A memory. So you know how important you are to me.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” Lexa looked her in the eyes. “What is it?”</p>
<p>“Surprise. Give me time to get it done.” Clarke opened her mouth to say something else, but it turned into a yawn. “God, I’m tired.”</p>
<p>“Let me take you back to bed.”</p>
<p>“No. Just hold me to sleep right here. You made this place. For me. I want to be here with you a bit longer.”</p>
<p>“On the floor? When there’s a perfectly fine bed waiting for us?”</p>
<p>Clarke rolled her eyes. “You’re so unromantic.”</p>
<p>“I’m practical.” Lexa mumbled, and Clarke smiled wide. “Your back will hurt.”</p>
<p>“Sounds like a future Clarke problem.” She laid down on the rug, pulling Lexa down. “There’s tiny handprints on the walls. I love them.”</p>
<p>“It’s Aden.” Lexa rolled on her side, sheepish. “He’s been impossible lately. I was going to paint it over when we were done with the whole thing.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare.” Clarke moved to take her customary place on Lexa’s arms. “I love them. Leave them alone.”</p>
<p>“Okay.” Lexa rested her chin on the top of Clarke’s head. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back to bed? I’ll carry you.” Clarke felt her chest rise and fall. “I heard the terrors are worse if you wake up in an unfamiliar place.”</p>
<p>“It’s not about the place.” Clarke mumbled, her voice thick with sleep. “It’s you. You’re the familiar thing, you’re the rock-solid thing I cling to, my lifeline.” She snuggled closer and closed her eyes. “I love you. We’ll talk about your feelings when we wake.”</p>
<p>“Mm-hm.”</p>
<p>“I’m not letting you off the hook.”</p>
<p>Lexa laughed. “We’ll see about that. Get your rest.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Love.”</p>
<p>Clarke smiled, then fell asleep to the sound of her breathing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i have started reading the 100 books and i'd like to register my complete indignation at the fact that THEY'RE ACTUALLY GOOD </p>
<p>like yes ok there's no raven and no lexa which are the best characters, BUT THE SCIENCE IS WAY MORE LEGIT AND THE CHARACTERS ARE CONSISTENT</p>
<p>i'm not even mad that it ends with bellamy/clarke because it turns out that i relate to bellamy in uncanny levels. like. legit. that guy is just me. i am that guy, but a girl. he's very sweet but kind of a jackass. i love him. </p>
<p>i cannot be angry at book bellarke because i project on bellamy so hard that every time he's flirty at clarke i'm like MOOD, MAN, I'D BE CRUSHING ON HER TOO</p>
<p>(AS OF LIKE. CHAPTER 5.  THEY JUST GOT ON EARTH. HE HASN'T COMMITED ANY WAR CRIMES OR ANYTHING YET. HE SEEMS NICE SO FAR.)</p>
<p>this chapter goes to show that clarke breaks down sometimes too and when she does she's vicious and venomous and THEY STILL DON'T HOLD A FIGHT because lexa refuses to engage </p>
<p>"why is clarke so oddly submissive"<br/>this is actually a really nuanced moment because she just doesn't quite know how to apologize </p>
<p>the other layer to this is that what clarke needs from lexa right then is the sort of affection which lexa has every right to withdraw considering how hurt she was. if lexa said she needed some time, that would be 100% understandable. </p>
<p>so when clarke says 'I'll take any punishment but this', it's not about authority - she knows withdrawal is not a punishment but a natural reaction. rather it's about how she knows she's asking A Lot and is not only willing to compensate but also desperate in her need. </p>
<p>anyway nerds hope you had fun</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the news of the fire reached Lexa, she felt her stomach drop and her blood run cold. Not even when she saw Aden and Raven sitting on Clarke’s office, both alive, both well, not even then she got rid of the lump in her throat. By the time Lexa arrived, Luna was standing by the door, her face stained by soot and her expression tight with anger.</p><p>Raven had a bandage on her left arm, and Clarke was busy wiping Aden’s cheeks with cloth, his hair singed. Madi stood next to her, quietly helping with the work, discarding the used gauzes and bringing new ones.</p><p>“<em>Jefe, </em>I am so sorry –“ Raven began.</p><p>Luna stepped forward, holding a piece of metal between her fingers. “This was sabotage.”</p><p>“You don’t know that.” Raven tried to stand, but Clarke’s glare was so fulminating, she immediately sat back down. “It could very much be my mistake. Maybe I forgot the <em>puta </em>piece on the wrong place, you think about that?”</p><p>“Did you also lock yourself in from the outside?” Luna hissed.</p><p>There was a chilling darkness in her eyes, one that Lexa knew she had to act on before Luna did. She took a step forward and grabbed Luna’s wrist. “Luna.” She squeezed her fingers. “We’ll talk about this. Just let me –“ Lexa took a deep breath. “Let me see to their safety first.” She met Luna’s eyes. “I love them, Sister. I’m not always allowed to put my emotions before my actions, but I know you will give me a moment to set my heart at ease.”</p><p>Luna exhaled, then nodded.</p><p>“I couldn’t do shit.” Raven clenched her hands into fists. “It was my fucking machine, and when it blew up I couldn’t even – if Aden didn’t have such quick reflexes, he would be dead.”</p><p>Lexa saw it again – Luna’s silent, burning fury. But when Luna crouched next to Raven and grabbed her hand, there was such tenderness in the gesture, Lexa couldn’t mistake it for anything other than love. Lexa knew very well what that meant – that Luna would not stop until she got what she wanted.</p><p>She told herself to handle one problem at a time, then walked to Clarke and Aden. “How is he?”</p><p>“Nothing too serious.” Clarke’s own turmoil was evident. She leaned in and kissed Aden’s forehead. “A few first-degree burns, but I already gave him a painkiller and he’s holding up like the brave kid he is.”</p><p>Aden nodded. “Pain is a part of being a <em>natblida</em>.”</p><p>It was because he said it so innocently that this felt like a knife between the ribs, and the fact that she flinched, that she saw Luna flinch, that even Madi hesitated in her step, it sent a spark of scorching rage through her veins.</p><p>“It’s not your blood that brings you pain, Aden. It’s the expectations that come with it.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “The distinction is important. Black blood will always flow through your veins. But to other people’s expectations, you can say enough is enough. You can draw lines you won’t cross. And you <em>can</em> change things and make them better.”</p><p>He was watching her with wide eyes. “I don’t understand.”</p><p>Lexa smiled. “You don’t have to. Just remember it. Understanding will come when you’re a bit older.”</p><p>Aden nodded. Lexa turned to Clarke, hand subconsciously reaching out for comfort. Clarke ran her thumb over Lexa’s knuckles, and the mere act of stepping closer to her made tension roll off her shoulders. “This was retaliation, love. I feel it was my fault. My messed-up actions that led your loved ones to be target again. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Lexa touched Clarke’s waist. “It was not remotely your fault, and you know it.” She dropped her gaze, feeling exhausted to the bone. “Don’t spiral on me, Klark. Not when I have an angry sister to contain and a devastated best friend to soothe.”</p><p>Clarke scoffed. “Go. I got things under control here. And I’ll take my share of comfort from you tonight.”</p><p>Lexa leaned in and gave her lips a peck. “Thank you.”</p><p>She gestured for Luna to follow her outside. They didn’t speak, not until they entered a side room and Lexa closed the door behind them. Then she leaned against it, rubbed her face with her hands and sighed. “As Raven would eloquently put it,” she put her hands down to look at Luna. “<em>Puta madre.”</em></p><p>It got a smile out of Luna, at least. “This wasn’t an assassination attempt, you know.” She pressed the piece of metal against Lexa’s palm.</p><p>Lexa closed her fingers around it, staring. She didn’t understand enough about machines to know what it was, exactly, but it seemed damaged. “No, I don’t think it was. It was a fire, not an explosion, and even though the door was closed from the outside, the office is large and open and there’s too much movement around it. If this was meant to kill, it was poorly executed.”</p><p>“It was a threat, or a challenge, or a goad.” Luna took the piece from Lexa’s hand and slipped it into her pocket. “It was cruel, Lexa. It made Raven feel powerless. It made Aden question himself. This harmed them more than just physically.”</p><p>She took a deep breath. When her eyes met Luna’s, she must have conveyed an unspoken request, because Luna gestured for her to come closer, and Lexa moved on sheer muscle memory. That she and Luna had spent so long apart was forgotten when Luna pulled her into a hug, then sunk her fingers into Lexa’s hair.</p><p>“You’ve grown so tall, little one.” Luna mumbled, and Lexa bowed her head to make it easier for Luna to give her a braid. “There will be consequences for what happened. I will have blood for this.”</p><p>The feeling of Luna’s fingers brushing against her scalp made Lexa feel like a child again. It was relieving in a way she could never explain. “No.”</p><p>Luna’s movements slowed. “No?”</p><p>“I mean yes, there will be consequences.” She resisted the urge to move her head, in order not to mess up Luna’s work. “But no. I can’t let you go on a warpath. I know you want to. But we need to think this through. You haven’t taken a life since the Conclave, Luna. I’m not going to let you break your resolve because of this.”</p><p>Luna was quiet for a moment. “It’s not your choice to make.”</p><p>“No. It isn’t.” Lexa sighed. “But you know that if you act harshly, this may undo everything I’ve been working for – everything <em>we</em> have been working for. It’ll lead to war, to people getting hurt.”</p><p>“People already got hurt.” Her tone was dark, but there was a hint of uncertainty on it, and it gave Lexa hope that she could change Luna’s mind still. “Just because…” Luna sighed. “Everyone keeps thinking that because I refuse to do harm, it means I can’t or I won’t. That I’m weak, that they can walk all over me. And that’s not true.”</p><p>“I don’t think it was you this political move was aimed that.”</p><p>“Which makes it worse, because I was overlooked.” Luna mumbled, her fingers almost done with the braid. “Raven is <em>mine</em>, Lexa, in the same way Clarke is yours, and you wouldn’t let an insult like this go unanswered.”</p><p>“No, I wouldn’t.” Lexa raised her head. “But at this point, we’re not just people – we’re ideas, too. And ruthless retribution was never what you stood for.”</p><p>Luna sighed. It was Lexa’s turn to give her a braid, and she delicately tangled her fingers on Luna’s hair. Luna’s curls had shapes of their own, unruly, not unlike the person they belonged to. Lexa let her fingers brush against Luna’s cheek, knowing it would calm her.</p><p>“You’re a lot better with your words.” Luna absently touched Lexa’s shoulder. “Even your braiding is far more skilled.”</p><p>Lexa smiled. “I learned with the best.”</p><p>She saw Luna’s sharp and cold anger yield little by little. “You’ve grown past anything I could ever teach you.”</p><p>“I’ll never grow past needing you.” Lexa replied. “You teach me just by being.” She twisted Luna’s hair in an intricate shape. “And you were the one who told me that the biggest danger when facing an enemy who stops at nothing isn’t how far they’ll go –“</p><p>“ – but how far they’ll drag you along with them.” Luna finished.</p><p>“Yes.” Lexa nodded. “You drew a line at taking lives. It’s not fair for you to cross it over something which was aimed at me on first place. And though <em>I’m</em> definitely not above removing certain heads from certain shoulders, this is a situation which can blow up if I act harshly.”</p><p>“I won’t undermine you.” Luna met her eyes, then dropped her gaze. “But I’d appreciate it if you told me what is being done about this.”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Lexa admitted. “I can’t say for sure who’s behind this, but it’s probably Azgeda. This kind of… carefully measured cruelty –“ Her voice broke and she cleared her throat. “That’s very much Nia’s style.” She finished the braid and let go of Luna’s hair, her fingers trembling slightly when she pulled her hand back.</p><p>Luna’s eyes narrowed. Lexa did not show her feelings to most people, not because she was particularly good at hiding them, but rather because she had a natural tendency to be more logical than emotional. The price of that was this – she was transparent to the people who actually made her feel.</p><p>It was a good thing, then, that Luna knew her so well. Lexa leaned forward, and Luna pulled her into a hug. “Little one.”</p><p>“I’m okay.” She took a shaky breath. She was very much not okay, and she felt the sting of tears trying to escape her eyes. “Well, not really. The truth is that Klark is handling most of this problem. I feel terrible for asking that of her, but I also… I don’t trust myself with matters that relate to Nia.”</p><p>“But did you? Ask it of her?” Luna rubbed circles on Lexa’s back. “Or did she just sense your distress, then take the matter from your hands?” Lexa pulled back to look at her, then shrugged. Luna smiled. “Klark kom Skaikru is a fierce one. I think she would rather hear a ‘thank you’ than an apology.”</p><p>Lexa immensely admired the ease with which Luna seemed to understand people down to their cores. “She’s far better at subterfuge than I am.”</p><p>“Which is not hard.” Luna flicked her nose, and Lexa scrunched up her face. Luna grinned. “Does she not tell you her political moves?”</p><p>“Sometimes. Not always. Most times she just warns me she’ll act on this or that matter, but doesn’t specify how.” Lexa pressed her forehead against Luna’s shoulder. “I think she would tell me, if I pressed, but I usually don’t. I just let her do her thing.</p><p>Luna hummed.</p><p>Lexa raised her head. “You don’t disapprove?”</p><p>Luna arched an eyebrow. “That you trust her enough to let her act in your stead? No, I don’t. To lead is a heavy burden. I’m happy you found someone to share it. If only to have Titus rolling in his grave with his whole ‘to be Heda is to be alone’ nonsense.” She winked, and Lexa grinned. “I heard stories, you know. That when you fell, on the mountain, she rose up to lead the armies of our joined people.”</p><p>Lexa felt a lump on her throat. “I fucked up. It happens when I’m choosing with my heart rather than with my brain.” She shook her head. “They knocked me out. They thought by having me, they could force us to retreat. But Klark… she rallied the armies. She kept the invasion going.” Lexa touched the jewel on her forehead. “Which figures. She’s convincing, and I did weave my forehead gear into her braid.”</p><p>“Ha!” Luna poked Lexa on the ribs. “And never told her what this meant, I’d guess?”</p><p>Lexa shrugged. “I figured that if all went right, she wouldn’t need to know. And if things went bad, well, then she would step up regardless. I just legitimized her leadership beforehand.”</p><p>“Smart of you. Oddly enough, being an outsider was probably what allowed her to lead the Coalition. They would not accept the leadership of a clan over others, even if for a short while.”</p><p>Lexa tipped her head in acquiesce. “I know. I am an excellent strategist.”</p><p>“And a cocky one. You took a very dangerous gamble that could have weakened you considerably. Destroyed you, even.”</p><p>Lexa fell silent for a long while. “The moment they put me on the table to bleed me was the moment she pulled the lever and let the lethal gas into the mountain. It was a striking sight, I’m certain, to see the Maunon choking and falling as if by the power of her anger.”</p><p>Luna’s lips curled downwardly in displeasure. Lexa dropped her gaze. “It broke her heart, Luna. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself – and yes, I know it was her choice and it was not I who forced her hand. But still.”  She hugged herself. “I should have been more careful.”</p><p>“I doubt she regrets it.”</p><p>“Yet it haunts her still.” Lexa shook her head, heart aching. “You’re right, it could have weakened me. But the first thing Clarke did after pulling the lever was running to me. And then she –“ Lexa felt the tears finally come out. “She held me. She said she loved me. She thought I was too drugged to hear, but you know drugs don’t work quite the same with <em>natblida</em>. So I heard it. I don’t think anyone else did, but she didn’t leave my side until I was feeling better, and the gesture was clear enough.”</p><p>“She displayed unthinkable power, and she did it for you, and so it made you stronger.” Luna nodded. “It is good to finally know the real story behind the myth.”</p><p>Lexa smiled. “What about the myth between you and Raven? Did she truly jump into the ocean so that she could give her heart to you?”</p><p>“Of course she did.” Luna grabbed Lexa’s hand and squeezed. “And I find it hard to believe Raven hasn’t told you everything in excruciating detail already.”</p><p>“She asked for my permission to date you, did you know?”</p><p>Luna’s surprise was so great, she took a step back. “She did <em>what?</em>” It was a rare sight, to see Luna splutter like that. “She asked you,” Luna pointed to Lexa. “If she could date me,” she pointed to herself, “But didn’t actually ask <em>me</em> to date her?”</p><p>Lexa raised her hands in peace. “I gave her all my blessings. I’m sure she will do it, when she gathers the courage to.”</p><p>Luna scowled. “Why did she think she needed your permission?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Klark told me it’s something important for the people who came from Raven’s clan, to have the blessing of the family before they ask someone to be their lovers.”</p><p>“This is absurd. I gave her my bracelet. I told her it was a promise.” Luna frowned. “Perhaps she didn’t fully grasp what I meant? I should have explained better.”</p><p>Lexa shrugged, sheepish. “Skaikru courtship is strange. When they start courting you, they don’t necessarily mean they want to wed you and build a future with you. They’re very fickle in their dating. It’s not as serious as it is to us.”</p><p>Luna nodded, thoughtful, then made her way to the door. “Clarke is serious about you, though.”</p><p>Lexa blinked, following her outside. “I’d hope so. She seems to be, and I certainly mean what I feel for her, but I’m not too great at reading people. It’s hard for me to know for sure.”</p><p>“No, she is.” Luna bumped their shoulders together. “Trust me on that.”</p><p>Lexa felt her cheeks warm up. “I’m pretty certain Raven is committed to you as well.”</p><p>“Despite being terrible at guessing feelings?”</p><p>Lexa grinned. “That’s the thing about Raven. She’s terrible about being subtle too, so I never have to guess, because she just says things.”</p><p>“Oh?” Luna tilted her head, and Lexa knew she’d be itching with curiosity. “Does she talk about me?”</p><p>“Every other sentence out of her mouth is ‘I’m in love with Luna’.” Lexa grabbed Luna’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “She’s said some other things, things which wouldn’t be right to share. But suffice to say she sees you as the love of her life.”</p><p>“Better than Finn?”</p><p>“I think you’ve completely banished Finn from her thoughts.”</p><p>Luna smiled, and Lexa poked her on the ribs. Luna laughed. “Do you think I should ask her to formalize our relationship?” She frowned. “Again? In the Skaikru way, whatever that is?”</p><p>“I think Raven meant to ask you, but I’m uncertain about the exact procedure. I could ask Klark if her traditions allow for you doing it, or if she has to be the one.”</p><p>Luna considered it for a moment. “Maybe I’ll wait a little longer. Learn about her culture. Raven can be… difficult to get through to. She’s good at deflecting, even better than you are.”</p><p>Lexa nodded. They entered the infirmary together. Clarke was done with the bandaging, the room already clean. Aden had momentarily forgotten his pain and was chasing Madi around, asking a million questions about anything he could set his eyes on. It did something to Lexa, seeing the two interact like that, seeing him look at Madi the same way she looked at Luna.</p><p>It brought a warm feeling to her chest.</p><p>“Your mood has improved.” Clarke approached her and leaned her head against Lexa’s chest. “Despite the circumstances. That’s good to see.”</p><p>Lexa hummed her agreement, kissing the top of Clarke’s head.  “We need to talk about this. Decide on what story we’ll tell.”</p><p>“Mmh. Might be better to play it off as an accident. If you announce it as an attack, it’ll demand retribution, and that might not be the wisest move right now.” Clarke nuzzled her jaw. “Give me some time to rest and eat, so we can figure this out with a clear head.”</p><p>“Of course.” Lexa wrapped an arm around Clarke’s waist.</p><p>Lexa turned to where Luna was whispering, too quiet of hear. Clarke followed her gaze and grinned, then shook her head.  “God,” She whispered close to Lexa’s ear. “Raven is even more of a disaster than you are.”</p><p>“It’s because I’m cocky.” Lexa grinned. “The confidence disguises the awkwardness.”</p><p>“Yes, it does.” Clarke pulled her down for a kiss. “You charmer.”</p><p>Lexa smiled and relaxed in the feeling of their serene love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'M SORRY I VANISHED I JUST GOT STUCK WITH THE PLOT OF THIS</p><p>the solution was to make it more telenovela</p><p>i think now i got a solid plan of where to go</p><p>it won't be the most satisfying plot i've ever written because i barely planned anything but like</p><p>oh well</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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